PDA

View Full Version : A very short sample of my work, a little criticism would be greatly appreciated


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


LUKEDAWG
January 16th, 2004, 12:08 AM
Recently put this in a thread, but didn't get any response, I think because it's a bit of an old thread. But anyways any criticism would really be appreciated, thanks!




The flying cameras dart over us and project a spotlight like a thousand suns. I rip my gun from my holster and fire shots that plink off the machines armor like pennies off an iron board. I decide we better run after that. I grab her hand and we’re off—dust in the wind—hi ho silver away! She’s running alongside me and as I glance at her I see the scenery beside us blurring as if we were flying down the highway 100mph and I’m looking out the passenger window. I wing my arm around as we run, and fire and fire till the bullets drain out the clip. I watch the bullets spark like pitiful fireflies off the armor. Shooting it’s useless—I know, but it’s like those people who shoot zombies in a movie. They know it’s to no avail, but they shoot anyways because it seems like the right thing to do. Same thing here, I know it’s not going to do a thing but it’s not going to stop me from blasting this tin can with lead till his belly looks like a gumball machine of bullets.

He’s faster than I would have thought. He’s keeping an exact pace despite his awkward strides and those cameras are lighting us up as if we were actors on a Broadway show. The crowd parts for us making matters worse, not that we could lose those cameras in a crowd anyways. I look up and sure enough the cameras have no trouble following us as we make a sharp turn down a dark alleyway and trample through a small group of drunks sipping away on bottles in brown paper bags.

“Can we lose those things” I ask, pointing to the cameras.

“Right now I’m a little more concerned with the Peacekeeper.”

“Peacekeeper, I like that. The title fits him very well” I say through gasps.

I glance behind us and the machine, which she has labeled ‘Peacekeeper’, has just rounded the corner. Its shoulder crashes into the corner of a building as it turns and bricks and dust explode into the air as if hit by a wrecking ball.
My partner in flight pulls me through a bar window. Shards of glass bite into my skin like hungry piranhas, and the glass explodes inward like a jet had just flown inches from the building. We’re in a bar and the bartender doesn’t look too pleased. He hops over the bar and one great maw of a hand clasps over a customers face and rockets him backwards, as if he were just an appetizer before the main course... us.

choppy
January 16th, 2004, 12:35 AM
Hi Lukedawg,

Is there anything specific you're looking for feedback on? Here's a few general comments:

This is a good little blurb of action. It's a little small to really give a sense of the bigger picture - i.e. why is anyone after the narrator and his partner in the first place? why are there cameras following them? However, you develop a sense of urgency that is nicely balanced with first person voice that has the ability to keep things in context.

The flying cameras dart over us and project a spotlight like a thousand suns. I rip my gun from my holster and fire shots that plink off the machines armor like pennies off an iron board. A couple things here. First I think you need to identify which "machine" you are refering to - the cameras, or the peacekeeper. This was a little confusing. And do you mean "machine's" or "machines' "? I didn't get the reference to an iron board either. If it's a board, wouldn't it be made out of wood? Or do you mean ironing board?

Names help the reader develop an association with a character. As far as the narrator goes, you can get away with using "I" for a while, but refer to the partner's name.

I glance behind us and the machine, which she has labeled ‘Peacekeeper’, has just rounded the corner. I would cut out the "machine, which she has labelled" - we already know this.

I like your use of analogy.

Overall a good job.

Expendable
January 19th, 2004, 12:46 PM
I don't get a great impression of the machine that's chasing you - its a little vague. Everything seems a little... compressed. I need more details.

Forrest
January 19th, 2004, 05:32 PM
It's a fun scene, to be sure. But there are too many similies for my taste.

It seems like every single thing that happens, does so "like" something else.

The bullets ricocheted "like pennies off an iron board", and then you change and restate the similie with fireflies. And it happens like ten times. Sometimes, actions are more meaningful if they are allowed to speak for themselves. Similies are awesome, but two many strung together begins to grow tawdry.

I like the scene though. I really like machines and robots.:)

milamber_reborn
January 20th, 2004, 11:23 PM
I wouldn't be surprised if 'Peacekeeper' has been copyrighted by Farscape.