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Dawnstorm
January 23rd, 2004, 08:01 PM
Here (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/v/vitasek_edward/fiction/glauph1.html)

Sffworld.com is so kind to host it for me. :)

Curious what you think.

It's a whimsical little SF piece; and it doesn't involve any battles.

===

Apologies for a few things:

1. ? at the beginning of a sentence should be ". This is because I forgot to convert German type sets before submitting.

2. There are sudden scene changes, with no formal indication. This is due to the site formatting, which I failed to account for before submitting. I should have put "***" in between sections.

===

While all kinds of feedback are welcome, I'm especially interested in how the world comes over. Does everything make sense? Did I miss inconsistencies?

tingmakpuk
January 25th, 2004, 04:03 PM
The concept is great. But I have to admit that some of the grammar and punctuation problems kept me from reading it in entirety.

Some readers (like me) get very distracted by that part of it. I know there are schools of thought out there that say don't bother with the mechanics until the content is final. I can agree with that idea to a point, but an edited copy will allow readers to offer a more focused critique of your plot, theme, consistency, etc.

Dawnstorm
January 25th, 2004, 10:49 PM
Originally posted by tingmakpuk
Some readers (like me) get very distracted by that part of it. I know there are schools of thought out there that say don't bother with the mechanics until the content is final. I can agree with that idea to a point, but an edited copy will allow readers to offer a more focused critique of your plot, theme, consistency, etc.

I see your problem. Thanks for looking. :)

Many grammar problems? :(

tingmakpuk
January 26th, 2004, 10:26 AM
A number of them, but mostly minor things that would become more apparent by reading it out loud. Be careful to read only the words on the paper. All writers have a tendency to read what they intended to write instead of what is written.

First sentence, for example:


My roommate dripping from the ceiling and I trying to sleep on an unfamiliar mattress shaped by various anatomies all of them diffrent from mine.

If you read it aloud, you'll see that it's actually a sentence fragment -- albeit a long one. I'm guess the intent was to say:

My roommate is dripping from the ceiling and I am trying to sleep on an unfamiliar mattress shaped by various anatomies, all of them different from mine.

Even then, there's still room for editing. Let's try more active verbs:

My roommate drips from the ceiling and I try to sleep...

And finally, we have to ask how to get the most vivid image. One idea:

My roommate drips loudly from the ceiling -- each drop like a rap on my skull -- while I try to sleep on an unfamiliar matress, shaped and distorted by the various alien anatomies that have used it before me.

That could still use some work, but you get the idea.

One important thing: Grammar and mechanics can be learned. Content, originality and creativity are the parts that really need to be inherent. You have the creativity. So don't let the mechanics discourage you.

Jacquin
January 26th, 2004, 12:31 PM
I really liked it.

I think that a little tidying wouldn't go amiss, and like T mentioned there are a few odd gramatical episodes but imho not enough to put me off reading it.

Check your PMs

J

Dawnstorm
January 26th, 2004, 06:06 PM
Originally posted by tingmakpuk
If you read it aloud, you'll see that it's actually a sentence fragment -- albeit a long one. I'm guess the intent was to say:

My roommate is dripping from the ceiling and I am trying to sleep on an unfamiliar mattress shaped by various anatomies, all of them different from mine.

Ah, I see. Actually, that's an intentional sentence fragment, and part of my way to characterize him. He's not a vivid storyteller, but a cross of a dreamer and intellectual smart ass. There are other sentence fragments in the text. Most of them (perhaps even all of them) are intentional.

That doesn't mean, it works, though...

If it doesn't, there are two paths I could take: (1) eliminate them altogether, or (2) add further sentence fragments of that kind, to make it more obvious. (My guess is the first one...)


Even then, there's still room for editing. Let's try more active verbs:

My roommate drips from the ceiling and I try to sleep...

[Quote]And finally, we have to ask how to get the most vivid image. One idea:

My roommate drips loudly from the ceiling -- each drop like a rap on my skull -- while I try to sleep on an unfamiliar matress, shaped and distorted by the various alien anatomies that have used it before me.

That could still use some work, but you get the idea.

Interesting dilemma, here. I'm going for an intellectual, not a sensual feel in this story. The narrator isn't a story-teller, really. He's just trying to convey (mis)information...

Now, that premise needs to be moderated, or it wouldn't make for a very good reading, I agree.

Have to think on this one.


One important thing: Grammar and mechanics can be learned. Content, originality and creativity are the parts that really need to be inherent. You have the creativity. So don't let the mechanics discourage you.

Thanks. :) I won't let that discourage me. It's just that I'm not a native speaker, and I thought I overestimated my proficiency.

You're comments have been helpful, thanks.

===

Glad you liked my story, Jacquin. Expect a reply to your PM as soon as I find time to make up my mind. :D

tingmakpuk
January 26th, 2004, 08:22 PM
(2) add further sentence fragments of that kind, to make it more obvious.

Suppose so. Could work. ;)

Actually, that knowledge makes a considerable difference while reading the rest of the story. You might want to make it very obvious by using some very short fragments at first, so the reader knows your intent.