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summergirl
January 25th, 2004, 11:35 PM
Hi!
My name is Shalini and my story is titled The Quay Ghost. It is in the other section of short stories. I really want someone to read it and tell me what they think about it. I would really appreciate your help. Thank You! ;)

Jacquin
January 26th, 2004, 01:15 PM
Can you either give us your full name or put up a link to the story? I can't find it.

J

JRMurdock
January 26th, 2004, 11:22 PM
Found it, haven't read it yet though...

Quay Ghost (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/p/paneerchelvam_shalini/fiction/quayghost1.html)

Dawnstorm
January 28th, 2004, 12:39 AM
You've got the framework of a good story here, but the scary/sinister bits generally don't come across very well. That's often due to the fact that you're not really conveying (1) what it's like to "be there" and (2) why some of the things happen.

Example (1): "Unknown to the girl, her boat had a leak in it. She was too busy rowing to realize that the boat had started filling with water." Did she row before? Was there any wind, were there waves to fight? (Seems plausible if her body gets washed ashore?) What was her emotional state?

Example (2): "When my stepfather found out that I'd drowned, he was afraid that the police would somehow trace my death to him. So, he stole my body from the morgue and buried it next to my mother's in the forest." For the life of me, I can't figure out that guys motivation. Surely, stealing the body from the morgue would increase the risk of being caught rather than decrease it. Especially, since all the evidence is in the boat, and not the body.

There are some such instances throughout the story, I'm sure you can find them if you look. You've certainly got the talent to write. Here's a perfect section:

"Andrea waited resentfully under the solitary light on the quay that night, muttering to herself. Just like David to force her to do something, and be late for it himself. Why she even bothered, she didn't know. She'd had to sneak out, and if her mum found out, there was no telling what would happen."

Keep writing. :)

Expendable
January 28th, 2004, 11:08 AM
Its a good story, but you're telling too much. Slow down. Really describe it, like when the girl goes out in the boat. Where is she going? Where does she think she can go in a boat? Tell us about how she struggled when the boat sank.

Your ghost definitely talks too much.

Imagine Andrea's waiting on the pier when the quay light goes out. She hears someone crying and goes to look. She finds the quay ghost crying over the spot where her boyfriend died, maybe looking through a window into the father's boathouse or something.

Then David shows up, she screams, he silents her, father comes out to investigate. They're quiet, the ghost has vanished and then they watch Dad and someone else load boxes or something suspicious before they creep away. Only to see the ghost rowing away in a leaky boat...

Build some suspense, throw in some mystery. Don't hand everything out to them on a silver platter, make Andrea and Dave work for everything.

summergirl
January 30th, 2004, 02:42 AM
Thanks heaps for the feedback and ideas you have given me; it has really helped. This story was originally an English writing assignment for school; I wrote in a couple of hours without really getting a chance to think about it. I thought it would be interesting to post it and see what people thought about it. Once again, thanks for your suggestions. Cheers! :cool: