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Essus
February 22nd, 2004, 01:06 PM
Hi, I'm new to these forums, and was wandering if anyone would be interested in reading over my short fantasy stories and giving me their thoughts. It would be easier for me to give a link than post them here, so if you are interested, please go to http://www.geocities.com/essus632/home.html.

Thanks!

http://www.geocities.com/essus632/home.html

tingmakpuk
February 22nd, 2004, 01:55 PM
I read Death of Innocents

Critiques of my work often start with the words, "all action, no detail." So I'm immediately jealous of your ability to think in that level of detail.

On the downside, had I not been a wannabe writer, you probably would have lost me after the seven or so paragraphs of setting. As it was, the word "poisoning" caught my attention at the last moment, and kept me reading. If you could work that part into the first few paragraphs (or something else to add intrigue up front), it would help build a little suspense and pique interest.

I liked the story, but I did have one other issue. I don't really want to say it, because it could be the very personal bias that ends up limiting the detail too much in my own work. So others should comments on this before you give it much thought: I felt like the level of detail occasionally impeded the action. But again, I could just be wrong.

(One slip of the keyboard that I noticed: "The Durn evidently hadn?t always been a slum.")

Expendable
February 23rd, 2004, 12:07 PM
I read "Death of Innocents" too. You set a nice story but there's still alot of telling. Can't you come up with a better way for the former prince to reveal himself, maybe talking to the cat?

There's a lot about the story that doesn't make sense either.

We don't know what happened between the Elf and the Knight so how do we know the elf didn't attack the knight? Both were searching the place as was Gavdel.

If the knights were discredited at the same time he was, doesn't it make sense for him to make friends with them? They're not going to support him if they know he's killed one of theirs.

Why did the knight steal the statuette? Wasn't there something else he could do? Like getting hired as a guard by someone?

Why is the prince begging? I also don't understand why Gavdel's not been caught, spending gold coins and wearing a flashy sword. Imagine that gold coin is like a $50 or a $100 bill. Wouldn't you think that was strange if a begger gave you a $100? A silver coin would have been a grand reward, like a $10 bill. Gavdel stands out too much, like a rose bush among buttercups. If I took the palace in a coup, I'd make sure there wasn't someone around who could threaten my rule.