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Dee
March 2nd, 2004, 07:30 PM
There are three stories I would appreciate an opinion on

http://exorange.tripod.com/undertaker.html

and

http://exorange.tripod.com/flannery.html

and

http://soulmind3.tripod.com/grandmothersmirror.html


thank you for your help

JRMurdock
March 2nd, 2004, 11:03 PM
In undertaker, you tell a good, sound story. But you only tell us the story. I kept waiting for him to talk to the corpses, or for them to talk back. He does talk, but very little. I'd like to see more dialog personally.

Couple minor errors I saw.

before getting ready to cover the graves

and this

trying to make out the gate that had enclosed the graveyard

gates don't enclose anything, but they do close it off. Possible place for symbolism.

At the second of him straining to see a wet and clumpy grainy substance was hurled at his face

This sentence didn't make any sense to me what-so-ever. It almost seems that you're missing a critical part in the story here.

pounded in vein to escape

I think you meant vain.

At an instant both his fist broke

both his fists, one fist, two fists.

Not to spoil your story for anyone else, but you may want to research drowning. When a person drowns, they don't get anything into their lungs becuase the windpipe will close off. He would suffocate, but not take anything into his lungs. Dead bodies, ones that cannot close their windpipe by reflex, will have their lungs fill. Just a note; take it or leave it.

Good story, but I'd still like to see more dialog. One more minor note, if I recall, no one has ever been able to break open their casket once burried. Today, most caskets are made of metal making this feat doubly hard. This makes that portion of your story difficult to accept.

Great first run at it. I'll review the second story you posted soon.

Maus99

JRMurdock
March 2nd, 2004, 11:37 PM
Once again, good, strong story with a lot of telling. In fact, no dialog this time. Lovely descriptions, fair plot. I might have made the boy a bit older, but then it's not my story.

At times when he walks passed the mirror in the hall

past the mirror

I passed the potatoes
I walked past the mirror

Also at this point in the paragraph, you change from past to present tense. You may want to pick past tense as the rest of the story is past tense.

They walked around in a daze. As if he weren't there.

You may want to just separate those with a ,

a cracked slab in the fence

I'm guessing you meant slat or possibly board.


The only complaint I have with this story is the continuing tense changing and complete lack of dialog. It's well told and well described. Interesting enough ending. It wasn't a surprise ending, though it did end differently than I was expecting. I won't post what I thought was going to happen as I don't want to spoil the story for anyone else.

You could do with some trimming of excess words. For example:

The bed he lay on was his own in his room

As a reader I would gather that his bed was in his room.

The bed he lay on was his own. Gets the job done just as well. There were more spots like this, but I'll let you dig those gems out and polish them yourself.

Good reads. Keep up the good work.

Dee
March 3rd, 2004, 12:06 PM
thank you for your replies....what you said is helpful. I do appreciate your time.