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juzzza
March 18th, 2004, 05:17 AM
Dear Ms Sylvia,

Thank you for your recent application.

Unfortunately you do not seem to have the required skills and competencies to fill our vacancy.

Perhaps you should get some more beauty sleep.

I have taken the liberty of forwarding the address of your tower to a number of new acquaintances.

Expect a visit from a couple of gentlemen known as Willie and Gog. If your hair is not strong enough to hold these gentlemen, I am sure they will find a way into your tower... They are very good at smashing things.

All the best

Juzzza
Loveable Rogue Inc.

P.S. Should you feel the need for Vengeance, I have another contact who may be willing to help.

Richardb
March 18th, 2004, 01:47 PM
Originally posted by juzzza
Dear Nasim,

Thank you for responding to our recent advert. I regret to inform you that at this time, we will not be inviting you along for an interview.

I once read a book on birds and yet I doubt I could fly if I tried. We need experience, not optimism.

I must admit that it took some time to consider your application, your orange trout sounds fantastic and some of the men would certainly benefit from your advice on bathing and cleanliness.

I have taken the liberty of passing your information to a colleague who may be recruiting learned individuals for clerical and academic work in the near future.

I wish you good luck and you never know, our paths may cross again.

All the best

Kind regards

Juzzza
Loveable Rogue Inc.

Dear Juzza,
I can not begin to tell you how tired I am of being informed that my skills are somehow inferior to those of the average unwashed oaf. I, in outrage, herewith remove myself from consideration. I have recently been extended an invitation to travel to a distant land in search of a fantastical creature known as a 'snipe'. I will be accepting this position, and fully expect, when I return with the snipe and collect my bounty from the snipe hunt, that you will be sorry for not employing my considerable skills.

regards,
Nasim, the Snipe Hunter.

JRMurdock
March 18th, 2004, 02:35 PM
"Hey Nasim!" Willie yelled. "I know a great snipe hunting spot down by Swamp Castle. Gog told me it's close to his home, ain't that right, Gog?"

"Gog smash?"

"Not yet, later. What to you say, Nasim? It'll be a...smashing good time."

Willie held his newly refreshed mug--Thanks Juzzza--and downed the think, lumpy Dwarven ale it contained.

"Gog smash!"

Holbrook
March 18th, 2004, 02:41 PM
Chaos reigned in the yard of the Fluttering Bat Inn. Three of the wagons had somehow developed faults over night, four horses from different teams had mysteriously gone lame and, added to this, most of the human members of the convoy were suffering from various degrees of hangover.

The white, feathered, firedrake Daniel, sighed and tapped the middle talon of his left fore foot on the wooden table. "Why not?" he huffed, blowing a small plume of smoke in the direction of his companion. "Are you listening? Look we have been across the weeping lands time and again with convoy after convoy, it's boring..." The fire drake sat back on his haunches and peered down at his rounded belly. It growled "I am hungry....."

"No you are not...."

"So you are listening," Daniel rounded on the man sat at the table.

"No I wasn't"

"Yes you were"

"Can it..."

"Make me.."


The man's horse, tethered nearby, snorted in amusement, shaking its head. Its hide had been brushed to a burnished ebony and the silver on its tack gleamed against the highly polished leather. And spread neatly on the table next to where he was sitting, was the man's kit: one mirror surface breastplate, a bow case and a quiver of arrows with rather strange points, two long slender daggers and one very old-fashioned maile shirt.

The man himself sat on a narrow bench, his head bowed over his work. Carefully and with slow deliberation he was oiling his blade, the cloth hissing softly as it was drawn down the length of the finely crafted steel.

"Oh very well, what do you think I should put in the CV?"

"Welllllllllllllllllllll............" Daniel began to pace the length of the table. " Sir, may I introduce myself; I am Albert, sometimes known as Alastar. I am one totally off my rocker, former high mage, EEEKKKKKK!" The slamming down of the blade, a fraction of an inch from his right foot brought Daniel up short. "Let me rephrase that. A slightly mad, former high mage, who is handy with a sword, who can go mousy on a whim and wants to bring his pussy cat with him"

Albert chuckled under his hat, lifted the blade up again and returned to polishing it...

"Ok, the pussy cat is a 12 foot winged panther some of the time and aaa...."

"That's enough.." Albert remarked..

"Think so?"

choppy
March 18th, 2004, 05:24 PM
(Received in an envelope bearing the seal of the Ormadic Imperial Guard.)

Dear Mr. Juzzza, Manager of Loveable Rogue Inc.,

I believe your foundation was recently contacted by a sergeant of mine in regards to an advertised adventurer position. I understand that you must be vey busy at this time in preparing for your journey, so I apologise in advance for troubling you with this letter that I am writing on behalf of Sgt. Hornsmash. I understand that you have decided not to grant him an interview for the position, and upon your review of this letter, should your decision still stand he will accept that.

Sgt. Hornsmash has served with distinction under my command for the past four years and has an untarnished record of service going back eight years. For this reason I feel compelled to explain his particular situation, and beg your reconsideration.

The Loyal Magnalopithicus Regiment was formed nearly a decade ago under the assertion that the Magnalopithicus (commonly known as an ogre), with proper training, could be made into a soldier and contribute positively to our empire.

Since that time, I have witnessed first hand that the Magnalopithicuses are indeed sentient, intelligent beings with their own unique culture. Unfortunately they are still seen by many as behemoth monsters intent on destruction and anarchy. Such prejudices are encouraged by the difficulties they have in communication. For example, they tend to use common, simple language, but enhance that with facial expression and slight odours that most humans do not pick up on. The word "smash" for example, can be used to mean anything from "encourage" to "collide" to "destroy."

I am currently devoting a significant effort to eliminating the prejudices within human and other high order societies towards the Magnalopithicus. Your ad indicated that you believe in equal opportunities, which was why Sgt. Hornsmash approached you. I fear however he was unable to articulate his experience and skills properly. I would like to offer my own testimony as supporting documentation to his cirriculum vitae.

The Loyal M R is currently stationed in a homeland bog where our soldiers are currently training as well as initiating several civil construction projects. Sgt. Hornsmash and his platoon have spent the last three months building roads, bridges and doing some stonemason work for the local queen. While he is good at the work, and shows remarkable promise as a craftsman, I sense that he is bored with this work - hence his interest in your position. Our posting should reamain for the next six months to one year - during which I will agree to grant him leave into your service.

During his first years of service, then Pte. Hornsmash served overseas on an campaign to rescue an imperial outpost that had come under seige by a race of dark elves. His platoon stood alone for over a week against several waves of elven heavy cavalry, holding ground that proved pivotal to the campaign. It was in that battle that the platoon earned its nickname, "the Iron Guard."

Mounting the Magnalopithicine proved to be a troublesome, but necessary task. Hornsmash was selected for this experiment because of his gentle temperment towards the imperial warhorses. His skills as a leader on horseback were already well-developed when he came under my command four years ago. We took our battle with factions of the dark elves onto the great western plains, where horsemanship became the determining factor. Because he can smell when a horse is being overworked, or pick up on when the beast is hungry, he can maximise the output from the animal, pushing it further and faster than a human could ever hope to (despite his excessive mass).

Three years ago, a dwarf king by the name of Solace, mounted a campaign of terror against our empire - attacking from the mountains. Many good men lost their lives on search and destroy missions. Hornsmash had a role in seventeen successful sorties into unmapped mountain terrain, during which he rescued a total of one hundred and forty two humans (mostly children) enslaved in the dwarven mines.

For the past two years he has held the rank of Sergeant and served as platoon comander for the Iron Guard. As you may be aware, in order to properly lead a platoon (of roughly thirty footsoldiers), one must have a practical mastery of algebra and geometry. This is something Hornsmash stuggled with, but true to his character, he buckled down and learned mathematics to a level not known to many nobles. He has also studied considerably in the arts of interrogation and has an uncanny ability to determine when a subject is lying.

In fairness, I cannot in good conscious recommend him without explaining some of his faults. Before signing on to the Loyal M R's he was convicted of theft (~ 9 years ago). He received a penalty of thirteen lashes without incident. These are scares that he bares to this day. He has not committed a crime since.

He is also highly alergic to Frumpleweed, which is not common in this land, but if any member of your party should acquire any, it would be best to bury it as soon as possible. The scent of it causes him to faint.

Finally I can give you my word as an imperial officer that you will not find a more loyal servant. I urge you to see past his size and physical disposition, and slow speach and reconsider him. I must say that he was greatly upset to hear that he would not be considered for this position, although he would never admit this personally.

Sincerely,
Captain Atticus Arkell
First Company Commander
Loyal Magnalopithicus Regiment

Dawnstorm
March 18th, 2004, 09:29 PM
Somewhere in the back of the crowded Fluttering Bat Inn Barnabas Reed sits by himself, a smirk on his face in case somebody relevant is watching. So the High Mage thinks of joining, too? He's heard stories in the one year he wasted at the Academy, before he realised that he didn't get along all that well with mages...

He pulls a neatly folded piece of paper out of an inner pocket of his dark red suade jacket and unfolds it. Then he takes the pen from his breast pocket to it.

Is it time to forget the piece of paper, already. Will it be found? Oh what the heck, there are other things he can do, if this doesn't make any impact.

So: Fold the paper, and, atishoo, reach for a hanky, dab at your nose, and then off to your room. Hopefully, someone relevant has watched.

===

If you should unfold the document to be found at a certain table at the Fluttering Bat Inn, you'd read the following:

"Hornsmash - declined (?reference letter - Arkell)
Kahn the Berserker - candidate
Myairyae & company - candidate (favourite?)
Tblue & Beorn - candidate (*Beorn - exactly how reluctant?)
Nasim Harsworth III - declined (snipe?)
Willie & Gog - declined (?dislike of Ogres)
Brugh Mirshevik - candidate (but may decline; *look up Order of Iphazaku and definition of Vengeance)
Sylvia - declined (--pity--)
Albert/Alastar + Daniel the 'Cat' -








Loyalty? Gamble your life? How paladinesque...
Didn't get turned down right away. Interesting."

juzzza
March 19th, 2004, 04:32 AM
Dear Mr Hornsmash,

Further to my recent correspondence, I would like to take this opportunity to humbly apologize to you for an error, which seems to have occured.

It seems our applications got mixed up and the wrong letter was inadvertantly sent to you. Luckily my clerk writes all correspondence on a curious brand of paper, which imprints a copy for our files.

I would very much like to meet with you to discuss our vacancy and a message will arrive shortly with a time and place.

Once again may I apologize for any inconvenience and I look forward to meeting you.

Kind regards

Yours sincerely

Juzzza
Loveable Rogue Inc.

juzzza
March 19th, 2004, 04:44 AM
Dear Captain Arkell,

Thank you very much for your fascinating letter.

I will invite Mr Hornsmash along for an interview but of course I will not mention that said invite is due to our correspondence, Magnalopithicuses are clearly very proud creatures.

Receiving the 'word' of an Imperial Commander is indeed rare and I thank you for it in addition to helping me challenge my own perceptions of the Magnalopithicus.

I am in your debt, good luck to you in the future.

Kind regards

Juzzza
Loveable Rogue Inc.

juzzza
March 19th, 2004, 06:36 AM
"I can't believe you are considering the Ogre," said Hume as he carefully pressed the wooden seal into the blob of wax. He smiled to himself, happy that every letter of the Loveable Rogue Inc. seal could be read, assuming the recipient could read of course.
"Magnalopithicus," replied Juzzza.
"Sorry?"
"Magnalopithicus," he repeated. "You learn something new every day Hume, you of all people should know that."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"That you are the smartest man I have ever met, which means you are always willing to keep and open mind and are always ready to learn something new... As have I this very day." Juzzza walked over to the simple bureau and looked at the sealed envelope over his colleague's shoulder. "Very neat," he added.
"But an Ogr... Magnalopithicus?" Hume turned and handed him the envelope.
"It isn't every day you get a letter from an Imperial Commander, and certainly a letter so compelling. I like people who are passionate about what they do, it makes me interested. A whole regiment of Ogres... Huh!" Juzzza shook his head and walked towards the door of the wooden office.
"Magnalopithicus," said Hume smiling. Juzzza turned back to face his friend and laughed.
"You see, the smartest man I have ever met."

The door to the office opened and Juzzza took a step back to avoid being clipped by the door. A mountain of a man had to duck under the door frame and turn sidewise to get his bulk through the opening.
"Gods Mik, are you losing weight?" chuckled Juzzza.
"Very funny shorty," replied the mountain, his deep booming voice unsettled sawdust in the rafters and it fell like snow to the varnished floor.
"If I am losing weight," he contined "It's because of the fools you have sent me to train for this quest of yours."
"Our quest," interjected Juzzza "We are a team Mik."
"Indeed," replied the mountain.

Hume pushed back his chair and stepped away from the bureau, scratched his head, clicked his fingers then paced towards a cabinet at the back of the room.
"Who's the mark?" asked Mik.
"Barnabas Reed," replied Hume as he pulled a document from the cabinet drawer.
"He's not a mark Mik, you aren't being sent to kill him," interrupted Juzzza. "Just take a look, find out what he's all about."
"Gambling, that's what he's all about," said Hume.
"Hmmm. Somehow I think there is a lot more to this Mr Reed."
"I heard two other bits of interesting gossip this last week," said Mik, as he accepted the document passed to him by Hume.
"Really?" said Juzzza, raising his eyebrows. "You and your gossip, you're like a seven-foot fisherman's wife Mik."
"My gossip has got you out of more scrapes than I can count Juz."
"Yea but you can only count to four," said Hume. The three men laughed and more sawdust fell from the beams.

"I hear the Hat Man has taken an interest in our vacancy," said Mik at the tail-end of the laughter. The news ceased the laughter to a momentary silence. Juzzza pointed at the cabin door, which was still open and Mik back handed it shut... More sawdust flittered to rest at the men's feet.
"Is that so? Very intriguing," said Juzzza.
"Albert eh, not sure he'd work well in a team, but his abilities would certainly come in handy," added Hume.
"Trouble is," continued Juzzza. "Albert has a habit of turning up when big things go down."
"We know this 'thing' is big already," replied Hume.
"Yes we do... But how does Albert know?"
"The other bit of gossip is far more disturbing," began Mik. "There is talk of an Ogre joining the team."
"Magnalopithicus!" both Juzzza and Hume said in unison. The men looked at each other and laughed.
"Is it true?" asked Mik ignoring the in-joke.
"Yes it is," replied Juzzza. "You should be happy Mik, at last you will have someone to chat to using your strange facial expressions and body odours."

The laughter from the cabin startled birds in the nearby trees and they took flight, chirping their disgruntlement. Men who were gathering at the cook's pot turned and stared at the source of the noise.
"They seem happy," said a lean warrior to the cook.
"Trust me," replied the cook as he ladled the rich Venison, Mushroom and baby onion stew into the man's bowl. "When those three start laughing, there's trouble ahead... Big trouble."

Richardb
March 19th, 2004, 04:52 PM
Originally posted by maus99
"Hey Nasim!" Willie yelled. "I know a great snipe hunting spot down by Swamp Castle. Gog told me it's close to his home, ain't that right, Gog?"

"Gog smash?"

"Not yet, later. What to you say, Nasim? It'll be a...smashing good time."

Willie held his newly refreshed mug--Thanks Juzzza--and downed the think, lumpy Dwarven ale it contained.

"Gog smash!"
"Nasim is pleased to be so respected as to be invited on another planned conquest of the dreaded snipe, Mr Willie."
Nasim wipes his slightly running nose on the tattered sleave of his second best robe.
"I have time before my next engagement, and Swamp Castle is most conveniently placed. Nasim will be leaving right now to start on his road to fame."
Nasim exits, leafing through a large tome muttering, "snipe, snipe, where is the listing on snipe?"