We have an exciting and challenging vacancy within our winning team for an adventurer. The successful candidate will be competent with a sword, hold a clean riding licence (horse preferred) and have at least five year's experience in questing.
If you believe you are the right person for the job (loveable rogue inc. believes in equal opportunities), send a letter along with your CV, which highlights your experience and explains why you should be considered for the post.
March 15th, 2004, 06:45 PM
Dear Sir or Madam,
I like to apply for avetiz... addertiiz... um, posted position of adventure. I is good worker. Work for cheep. Will fight evil for food. Not need horse. Not need sword. I write resume and attach.
Come to miserable bog if you want me work for you. If come, ignore giant spiders in garden and zombies stuck in bog. They may look like they want to eat humans, but they just kidding.
Resume for Cromwell J. Hornsmash
3 yrs: Smashing elves with mace and shield as footman in ogre queen's Iron Guard
2 yrs: Moved up to mounted patrolman. Smashed elves with mace and sometimes spear or lance. Mostly mace smashing though. Sometimes have to smash horse if too slow.
1 yr: Tracking and smashing dwarfs in Caves of Chaos.
2 yrs: Promoted to sergeant. Smashed other ogres when they not line up right. Learned how to make good lines for smashing elves. Some village burning.
Smashing things and people.
Pulling arms and legs off of elves who won't talk.
Speak lots of languages - most people understand mace in face.
Can carry lots.
In spare time enjoy theatre and lying on belly in sun.
I not steal much and don't like smoke.
March 16th, 2004, 03:58 AM
Dear Mr. Hornsmash,
Thank you for your short but sweet letter, which enclosed your... 'colorful' CV for our perusal.
I was not aware that the 'Adventurer Gazette' had reached the Ogre Bogs and whilst delighted to receive your application, at this time, I regret to inform you that we will not be inviting you along for an interview... Mostly because we like our arms and legs where they belong.
If you would like to discuss this matter further, please feel free to contact me in about two weeks (when I am away on the quest).
March 16th, 2004, 07:21 AM
To whom it may concern,
In response to the advertised vacancy for adventurers for a "quest", I have enclosed my current CV for your attention.
Thank you for your time,
Name: Kahn the Berserker (or just plain Kahn to my mates)
Current occupation: Freelance Hacker.
D.O.B: Too many to mention as my soul has been reincarnated in many forms since around 50 BC
Age; Current incarnation: 33
Most pertinent experience. In no particular order.
Heavy cavalryman alongside Attila (nice bloke btw throws a good party) 3 years.
Champion gladiator in Rome. Signed up voluntarily after Attila’s death, not enslaved. 2 years.
Gladiator instructor. Learned good “man-management” skills. 7 years.
Corsair for a Greek shipping company; 5 years.
Bounty Hunter for Turkish Shipping company; 3 Years
Ranger and scout for Mongol Horde 6 months (just stayed long enough to refine archery and riding skills)
3 years in Far east, mostly security work for a Lord Takeda as personal Yojimbo. Picked up useful staelth and assassination techniques and was given a custom made “No-Dachi” longsword for my valued service in helping to reclaim the Shogunate.
7 years as Tribal Leader of Celtic Clan (got a bit homesick and needed to sow some wild oats.)
Skills and Strengths
Archery . Class two marksman with Longbow.
Specialist with two handed weapons i.e. long-swords and Battle axes (personal fave)
Expert Horsemen due to Hun and Mongol training.
Equally good as a team leader or team player.
Have certificates in “advanced battlefield tactics” and “Ley-line power manipulation.”
Berserker Rage, in built ability to transform into a veritable Hulk and slaughter hundreds of men in battle (comes in handy sometimes)
Hobbies and Interests.
Acquiring new weapons and magical items, drinking, wenching, camping outdoors, travelling, pagan and wicca magic, learning new skills (mostly to do with slaying)
March 16th, 2004, 07:33 AM
Dear Mr. the Berserker,
Thank you for your recent correspondence relating to our vacancy for an adventurer.
Your application certainly made interesting reading and you undoubtedly have all the skills and abilities required to join our winning team.
Before I schedule an interview I wonder if you could respond to the following queries.
Your berserker rage whilst undeniably handy in a fix, is it indiscriminate or are you able to direct your rage... Just hate to have to post more vacancies to fill the roles of our team members your hulk-form pulps into man jam.
Also, whilst your reincarnation cycle is fascinating, it doesn't seem to leave too many living references... Much like an Ogre who recently applied... Are you able to supply references?
Thanks in advance
Loveable Rogue Inc.
March 16th, 2004, 07:50 AM
Dear Mr Rogue,
Thank you for your prompt response.
The Berserker Rage is of course equipped with the latest "Friend or foe" software allowing it to discriminate between the two.
As for references I have a special belt I keep with the shrunken heads of all my fallen enemies. Amongst them you will find Japanese Lords, Roman generals and a host of highly dignified people from throughout the ages and lands.
If you would like a reference you can come along to the village and hear the lamented cries of their trapped souls, which have preserved by our Shaman for all eternity (it prevents them from also reincarnating and trying to get some beyond the grave payback).
They can tell of my past deeds and battles whilst we sit around the fire and enjoy some Celtic home brew and pipe smoke and watch the ritual naked dance of the village's young virgin girls in their "Ascension to Womanhood" ceremony.
Please let me know if you find this a suitable arrangement
Kahn the Berserker.
March 16th, 2004, 12:40 PM
"Hmmm," Gina said thoughtfully, tapping the ad. "This could be interesting... Mya!"
She put down the paper and stared at her raven-haired companion, lying face down in her folded arms and snoring softly.
"Mya, wake up!" she scowled, shaking her arm. "I think I found us a job!"
"I don't care," Mya moaned. "I've got a hang over."
"If you didn't drink so much you wouldn't have days like this," Gina smirked, holding out the paper for Mya to see. "C'mon, I think I found us a job. Look!"
Mya lifted her head, raised her right eyebrow then took the paper.
"Urgent need for sacrificial virgins..." she read dryly.
"Not that one! Three down."
"Vacancy ~ Adventurer. We have an exciting and challenging vacancy within our winning team...."
Gina waved at the bar maid, calling her over and whispering in her ear as Mya read the ad. Nodding, the barmaid left for the kitchen.
"What does this mean, 'clean driving record, horse prefered'?" Mya demanded, grumpily. "Am I suppose to hire some kid off the street to sweep after my horse?"
The barmaid returned, plopping down two bowls of gruel. Mya stared at it then at Gina.
"That's not my breakfast I hope."
"Yes it is. It'll help with your head."
"Not if my stomach has anything to say about it."
"Oh come on, it won't hurt you and its better for you than that greasy food you eat all the time," Gina stated firmly, picking up her spoon and taking a bite. "Besides, if you think its bad now, wait until it gets cold."
"Yes mother," Mya grumbled, making a face as she tried a spoonful.
"So what do you think?"
"About gruel?" Mya mumbled, frowning.
"No, the job!"
"Looks better than the gruel."
"So you want to apply for it?"
"Its that or try to get hired as guards for another caravan."
"Great! We'll go hire a scribe after breakfast. I think you should send them that woodcut of you wearing that split chainmail that shows off your chest."
"Don't know why you made me get that thing," Mya sighed, stirring her gruel, "but its better than that woodcut of me fighting the dragon."
"Oh! That one where you're naked with a knife?" Gina demanded. "What were you thinking, fighting a dragon like that?"
"I wasn't naked! I just stripped off my armor. Ever wonder why dragons like virgins? They don't flame them like the knights, they bring them back to their lair. Once it smelled me, it let me get close enough where I could stab it with my poisoned dagger."
"But why would it think..." Gina paused, then stared at Mya. "You're a VIRGIN?"
"Not so loud, I don't think everyone heard you," Mya winced, her face burning. She glanced around the almost empty taven room in embarrassment.
"But I've heard stories...."
"So have I," Mya shrugged. "Damn liars.
"Haven't you um, ever been curious?"
"Sure, but I was always bigger than the boys in my village, and there was my father. He'd give every boy who came to our farm a crazy look then just sit at the table, sharpening his sword. And if that didn't scare them, the goblin raid on my village did. Slaying twenty-three goblins by myself made even my father nervous. Why did you think I started adventuring, anyway?"
"I uh, wasn't sure," Gina faltered, her face burning slightly. She stared down into her bowl of gruel and sighed heavily. "I might as well be a virgin now. Lately any guy who shows any interest in me suddenly cools off and leaves. Nobody's making any offers. When was the last time you got an offer?"
"Three days ago, when we had that dinner at the palace."
"At the palace?" Gina demanded, surprised.
"I uh, turned him down," Mya shrugged, her face burning.
"Why? He was cute!"
"He wanted both of us," Mya scowled, "together.He heard some stories too."
having read your advertisement in the Adventurer's Guild Weekly, I would like to apply for the position of 'Adventurer'.
I learned to swordfight from my father, the noted adventurer and berserker Erik the Half-Hand of the West Wilderness and slayed 23 goblins during a raid on my village when I was a maid of 15 years.
I have taken part in many quests, which many bards of good reputation can recite to you for a small fee, most notably my last quest where I slayed a dragon with my dagger.
Besides myself, I have my good companion Gina, two horses and my wolf Oddida.
Enclosed please find a woodcut of me and my resume. I can be reached at the Sword and Barrel Tavern of Hull City.
Myairyae of the West Wilderness
Six months Caravan Guard.
One year of gladiator fighting in Celestial City.
One year of bodyguard for Lord Sumas of Celestial City.
Two years five months of privateering aboard the Vigilance with Captain Hyerr.
Two years eight months with the chartered adventuring crew 'Scarlet Vengence'.
Extensive experience in use of sword, mace, battle axe, longbow and spear.
Skilled rider and climber.
Can sail boats and ships.
Speak seven languages.
Captain Hyerr, Vigilance
Lemer Smithson, Dwarf warrior, surviving member of Scarlet Vengence. Mt. Delmar Mines.
Jimmy the Hand, Human rogue, surviving member of Scarlet Vengence, imprisoned Hull City.
Elrohir Vardamir, Elven warrior, suviving member of Scarlet Vengence, Forests of Celma.
March 16th, 2004, 07:37 PM
Barnabas Reed at your service.
My profession: Gambler.
If you'r clever, you won't believe a thing I tell you. If you're not, I'm not going to travel with you. So I spare you self-praise, made up cv complete with references, not dead but notoriously hard to track down. All I've ever really done is help vanquish the Aimless One, who may or may not have existed in the first place, depending on your philosophy.
So invite me or don't. If you turn me down, could you please include the phrase "as you're pretty useless" (I have my reasons).
I hope you have a lovely adventure with or without me.
P.S.: Please note that the meaning of the word "service" (as used above) is open to interpretations deviating from yours.
March 17th, 2004, 07:53 AM
*hands over a business card on which the following is printed*
Kung Fu cultured, Axes wielded, Meads quaffed, Learned in Ancient Languages.
Photographs Taken, Art Endeavoured, Collector of Swords and other things that go "cut".
Bane of Traffic Cones, Illuminator of Letters, Washer of Dishes (Once a week, and only on Sundays.)
Piano Playing, Puppeteering, Pea Shelling and Foot Masseuse.
Midnight Skater, Loud Contralto (Control variable), Girl Next Door.
Kind to Cats.
Reader of Books, Booker of Tickets.
Additional Rhyming free of charge.
Illustrator, Animator, Multi-multimediator,
March 17th, 2004, 07:56 AM
And on behalf of Beorn the Reluctant.
He pauses for further thought.
"I think you should take the Berserker. They are handy."