PDA

View Full Version : Devil Heart


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Pages : [1] 2

skinsfan
April 1st, 2004, 03:14 AM
I wrote this poem while watching a Sci Fi movie. I've yet to get an honest opinion on it. It's kinda creepy, but I just wrote what come to mind. Please let me know what you think. Thought this would be the perfect forum. Thanks skinsfan

Devil Heart

The demon heart is real. It's existence travels through bones and flesh searching for weak souls. It's rage is fueled by it's desire for death.
It's coming.
You can curl in a ball and cowar in your own self pity but,
it will find you.
Your will belongs to the creator of hate, destined to live by his side in a world of damnation.
He's getting closer.
He can smell your fear.
As you travel from room to room to hide from the son of Satin, he feeds.
Your sinful thoughts are welcomed into the belly of the beast.
There is no where to run now.
He studies your mind, as he scans your most intimate thoughts. Soon, he is looking in your eyes.
His own eyes glow red, while his breath wreaks of terror. You can feel him filling your mind with images of blood and lust.
Then it begins.
Deep inside, your own desire for evil is born.
Soon, your mouth is dry from the unquenchable thirst of your own rage. Your heart turns black and quickly paces for the hunt. Just when you think your heart will jump out of your chest...
you pass out.
You awaken in a river of sweat, and the demons are gone.

OR ARE THEY?

JRMurdock
April 2nd, 2004, 02:51 PM
It's possible this didn't move me because I found myself laughing half-way through and it was difficult to take the rest serious after one line

son of Satin

I kept envisioning a gay version of Satan dressed in red satin and talking in a lisp.

Sorry.

For the rest, it's good. Not great, but good. It's not poetry as I've seen it before, but I know there are other poets on this board who can possible give you more help than I'd be.

Keep at it. Good work.

tingmakpuk
April 2nd, 2004, 07:35 PM
Son of Satin. That's classic. (no offense skins)

We used to have paintball fights in an old abandoned warehouse covered with graffiti; most of it said Satin Rules!

I always pictured roving gangs of punks in pink satin jackets who would break into Michael Jackson style dance at the drop of a hat.

I always wondered if it could be worked into a story, but never quite found the right one. Even better would be to have your gay Satan as their leader, Maus.

Chade
April 2nd, 2004, 09:15 PM
Does the Son of Satin shimmy?

Holbrook
April 3rd, 2004, 03:25 AM
Yes typos are funny I have produced some beauties in first draft; second, third, on posts, in threads, you name it. I once transposed beasts and breasts caused quite a riot at the time.

But have you thought how your comments sound; a bit superior and maybe a bit snobbish?

Ok a mistake was made, funny yes, but I try to remember that it takes courage to post something up and I donít know the skills or age of the person posting. They could have trouble with words, even be dyslexic. English might not be their first language, this I have run across on so many forums, native English speakers poking fun at people, who then turn out to be writing in a language they are struggling to learn. Often those folks poking fun canít even say two words in another language.

Also a lot of people lack the necessary grammatical skills, through any number of reasons, bad teaching, illness, not bothering when they were at school and later regretting it. Some folks never got the chance to go further than high school, and in later life have to painstakingly bring their writing skills on a par with others, each word, full stop and comma a struggle to put down.

Thatís why I never do a grammatical critique I can trust my knowledge to be 100%. Maybe thatís the reason behind this small rant, for there goes me. I see the funny side, but I also see the courage to put the piece up and the pain your comments, even if you didn't mean them that way, might have caused the writer.

Dawnstorm
April 3rd, 2004, 09:11 AM
In On Writing Stephen King gives us one of his typos: He'd been talking about peasant shooting season... (meaning pheasants)

===

I can't say much about the content of Devil Heart, wether it grabs me or not, because that kind of content never grabs me, however good the poem.

What I can talk about is form.

1. The piece has a decent rhythm, although the flow of it could be improved. To get a better feel for the structure of the poem you could break some of the longer lines up into coherent units (both content and rhythm-wise). You've got some very long lines, and some short ones, which isn't all that rare in poetry, but you're going to extremes. This makes it harder to get into the rhythm of the piece, because the length of the line drives the reader towards prose mode. That may be what you want (a kind of poetry-porse hybrid), but I'll give an example, anyway:


"The demon heart is real. It's existence travels through bones and flesh searching for weak souls. It's rage is fueled by it's desire for death." -->

The demon heart is real.
Its existence travels through bones and flesh
Searching for weak souls.
Its rage is fueled by its desire for death.

The next thing to look at is accent. I'll capitalize accented syllables (please note that this depends on how you read the piece. Your reading may yield different accents):

The DEmon HEART is REAL.
Its exISTence TRAVels through BONES and FLESH
SEARCHing for WEAK SOULS.
Its RAGE is FUEled by its deSIre for DEATH.

(As I said, different readings may yield a different rhythm. For example, you can accentuate all the syllables in desire: "dee-sigh-uh" or you can almost contract the last two so you get something like "dee-sah". That makes a difference for poetry.)

Now, that I know where the accents are, I can look at it again, and see if something strikes me.

For example, I might notice that in "...travels through bones..." two unstressed syllables meet in the middle of the line. There's nothing wrong with that, but I might want a different effect. For example, I could make a line break. This would be consistent with the predominantly iambic rhythm ("daDam, daDam") of the piece. You could also think of substituting the word "travels" with a one-syllable word, thereby eliminating one of the unstressed syllables.

"Its existence travels through blood and bone" could then read:

Its existence travels
through blood and bone

or

Its existence seeps through bone and flesh.

or

Its existence seeps
through bone and flesh

Similarly, I feel there could be another break in the last line: "Its rage is fueled/By its desire for death."

(Btw, rhythimically I really like "searching for weak flesh". The two unstressed syllables build up speed and slow down into two stressed syllables to linger on; which supplements the content-wise importance of "weak souls", nicely.)

So now I'd have (personal preference):

The demon heart is real.
Its exsistence seeps
through bones and flesh
searching for weak souls.
Its rage is fueled
by its desire for death.

All I've done is exchange one word and add a few line-breaks. It's almost the same text, but it's easier to see how it's supposed to be read.

===

I didn't mean to re-write you, just show you what you've done, what you can still do with the poem.

The way I've read it it's a good base for a poem, but it's a bit disguised. I feel you could still coax more of the poem out of the text you've presented here.

:)

JRMurdock
April 3rd, 2004, 09:18 AM
But have you thought how your comments sound; a bit superior and maybe a bit snobbish

Yes, I have thought about this and as the posting went on, I do feel bad for my initial response. It was not my intent for this to digress.

As I'd said, it was good. It's not poetry as I know it. It didn't work for me and possibly due to the Satin point, I'm not sure.

Yes it takes extreme courage to post your work here as we are a critical bunch. I hope my comments (or the comments of any of the others) will not prevent you [skinsfan] from posting future works for the rest of us to review. You've got the writing bug, keep at it. With practice you work can go from good, to moving, to great. You've got to start somewhere.

Speaking of typos, a friend of mine read my work on Exercise 6. When I mentioned God's bread and I'd meant God's beard. Typos happen to us all and they're usually quite funny.

tingmakpuk
April 3rd, 2004, 05:20 PM
But have you thought how your comments sound; a bit superior and maybe a bit snobbish?

I know what you are saying, Holbrook, and I will give it some thought so that I'm not purely reactionary in my response. But can I play devil's advocate for a moment?

I'll never tell someone to stop writing. I will reiterate that they must keep writing, in fact.

That being said, the first thing a wannabee writer better develop is not sentence structure or perfect punctuation -- it's a thick skin. We ALL make mistakes, we all need improvement, and we all better be able to handle it when someone brings those things to our attentions.

Better yet, we should be able to laugh at ourselves. The objective of a writer is to be read. We choose to put ourselves on the line every time we post, submit, or ask for critique. We are in for a lot of heart ache if we can't find humor in the simple mistakes, and learn from (or shrug off) the major ones.

God knows I wish people would be more open about my writing. I'd much rather know up front that I have issues to work through than to find out later that I have problems so serious that people carefully avoided shedding light on them. Now that is the ultimate embarrassment.

Anyway, you also have some legitimate points, and I'll have to give them some thought.

MindsEye
April 5th, 2004, 02:52 PM
I had to reply to this post because it brought to mind a poem I wrote back in high school (almost 20 years ago!). I have to thank you for posting it as it made me open a notebook that hasnít seen the light of day in quite a while. Anyway, hereís my poem.


The Coming Of the End

The coming of The End
is near, nothing you can do,
but fear.
Try to stop it, it's to late.
No one wins the battle with fate.
You can kick, punch, scream
and yell, but nothing
stops The Gates of Hell.
They're opening now,
can you feel the fire?
Warming you over with
deathly desire.
Quickly and powerfully
it pulls you in.
The force that knows
you lived in sin.
You pray you could right
all your wrongs,
but no one is there
to hear your song.
It's almost over now,
give in to the fear.
The coming of The End is here.

As you can see there are some similarities, but I think yours is much more descriptive than mine. I enjoyed it.


ME

JRMurdock
April 5th, 2004, 03:06 PM
WOW! A high school poem. This reminded me that I also had a notebook (photo album actually) with one poem that survied over the years. It's along the same vein, so I thought I'd post as well.

BTW ME, interesting poem.

Walk with Me
Let me rise from the destitude of my soul
to love again and make us whole.
Let's not fight, argue, fuss,
but do what we can, we must.
All the words we never said
without you, I'd rather be dead.
I love you so, I'll make you see
Take my hand, come, walk with me.

It seems that High School is a spawning ground for dark poetry. I never had a desire to go back to my 'dark poetry' days. I think I wrote this around 1985 or 86. I read it now and think... huh, what was I thinking?

I agree, mine isn't nearly as good as skinsfan's. Now that I've read it, I may have to rewrite this as a short story. Walk with me... cool.

Even neater, I found another poem I wrote after a near death experience. I'll post it if I find the right discussion here...:)