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Fran
June 11th, 2004, 11:06 AM
Its "To Be A Wizard" by Francis Bull its on this site, all of a sudden, and if anyone would mind telling me if they find it at all funny, that would be supercool. Thanks.

JRMurdock
June 11th, 2004, 11:51 AM
Link to the story To Be A Wizard (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/b/bull_francis/fiction/tobeawizard1.html).

I'm reading now.

JRMurdock
June 11th, 2004, 12:07 PM
Cute and clever (a man named Spike and woman named Apricot).

The biggest issue I saw was the HUGE paragraphs of explanatory text. This killed the flow of the story and made it drag. Some of the larger paragraphs need to be vanquished and redone to make this flow smoother and show the reader what's going on -vs- explaining it to them. This, I've found, is easier said than done.

You can get away with a paragraph or two of explanitory text in a novel, but not in a short story. I can assure you, despite the wit, this story would get rejected. I've got a couple similar to it that've been shot down for this exact reason. A short story really needs to flow smoothly and effortlessly for the reader without the long explanations. More dialog, less explaining, and you'll be on your way with a neat little story.

ironchef texmex
June 12th, 2004, 03:00 PM
I agree with Maus on the lengthly explanations. It seemed to me that this was probably due to a lack of patience since I didn't notice it as much after the first two pages. I definately think that you're capable of making the story coherent without them since your word choice throughout was very, very good. Probably my favorite part of the story were the way that the vocabulary gave everything a light and cheeky feel. That's not easy to do.

Also, some of the sentences should probably be broken up. Not too many. Sometimes I thought that the repetetive 'and's and longish sentences actually helped to give the story its foppish quality. But a few times it was just too much. I'd consider looking through it for independant clauses that clearly don't have any connection to anything else in the sentence. Break them into seperate sentences. And again, this was almost exclusive to the first two pages.

I liked the overall content. It was really funny, and since I've never been able to write humerous stories I got a kick out reading someone else who clearly can.

Fran
June 14th, 2004, 04:43 AM
Thank you guys for reading my story, and being so generous with your criticism. The words "light and cheeky feel" in particular made me very happy. :-)

Thanks again.

Fran

Expendable
June 16th, 2004, 08:13 PM
I liked it, it was a very good story. And I loved the irony of a wizard's spell to remove the desire to be a wizard.

But I did catch one thing -

Indeed hed read the first chapter of this erudite tome so often now that should he ever be faced with archers protected by earthworks he wouldnt be even a millimetre out of his depth.

I'm not sure about the word 'millimetre' - its something everyone should know but at the same time I was thinking, "Wow - they had metrics back then?"