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SubZero61992
August 2nd, 2004, 12:49 PM
Abandoned.

Please do not reply.

SubZero61992
August 2nd, 2004, 12:50 PM
Sorry if that went over 1,000 words limit.
I had to go to an 4 month old post on another website to copy it and paste it here.

JRMurdock
August 2nd, 2004, 01:51 PM
Ok, so this'll be more of the short than the long.

The Short:
Firstly, this is an ok piece. It's not great, but for a start, not too bad. It's jerky and jumpy in many parts and little is explained. It's also lacking in detail.

The Long:
Here I could go into a lengthy explanation of what's wrong with what you've written, but I won't do that. I'll point on some spots for improvement.

1) You're developing a religious system but give us sparing detail. You're telling us about it and the character for that point.
2) You're developing your own currecny and we're supposed to jump on board with how it works. I'd think ruby coins would be worth a lot more than a room and some food.
3) You character gets attacked. You describe the monster well, but he kills off the baddie so quickly that I don't feel his despair. I don't feel his pain. This scene really need to be expanded upon. The whole scene is lacking emotion. That entire portion could take up several paragraphs.
4) The towns have no background whatsoever. If this it to be a short story, you'll want to touch upon this. If a novel, you need major expansion between the towns. Perhaps the character doesn't settle down for sleep right away, but is drawn into conversation about where he's from. This could be a great way for reaction about his hometown and where he's headed to.
5) This rescue needs a LOT more expansion. People don't just jump from one religion to another just for a pretty girl. Wait, yes they do. But expand on the rescue more and his feelings about the girl. What happened, how'd he come to rescue here, where'd she go after that, what was she doing in his hometown in the first place, etc, etc.
6) What you have here is a fair start to a story, but needs massive expansion on the current thoughts. Take my advise from other posts and brainstorm this out. Work up the religion or at least insert text like <RELIGION BUILDING TEXT GOES HERE> and move on with the story. But this is something you need to develop because it's the reason for your character to go from point A to point B. It'll have major underpinnings for your story and needs development before you proceed.

This isn't a bad start. You've got a fair flaire for description, you just need to work out the details of the story. You really jumped ahead of yourself. You just need to slow down and with epic fantasy that's not always an easy thing to do. If you get anxious and want to write a fast-paced scene, there's nothing to stop you from doing just that. But with the intro of a character, you need to take your time and let us get to know the person, his/her situation, etc. With this rapid type start, it's hard to care about he character.

Keep going, writing is a recursive process. This is a start, just pick out the pieces and see what you can expand upon.

SubZero61992
August 2nd, 2004, 02:24 PM
I understand all of that.
I heard most of them words on the other website but time erased them from me.
The first problem I had with this story was detailing. But I fixed that.
I will though use your help.

I agree though I did jump into things quickly as I did with characters in earlier stories.

Expendable
August 4th, 2004, 09:55 PM
This feels like I've stepped into the middle of the story - you're doing more telling than showing and its not all making sense.

Why not have him see a rusted machine like maybe an old truck or tractor when he's out in the woods and automatically does this gesture to ward off evil, maybe catching himself halfway?

And that's when something moves out from behind the rusted machine. Describe the Kelocta and how it makes you feel, stuff like that. Show us, don't tell us.