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Will_Antilles
August 4th, 2004, 01:51 PM
Well I am back again after another long absence. Once again I have started on another story hopefully I will finish this. Below a small sample of what I wrote tell me what you think.



Heaven burned, there in smoke and haze stood a figure and in his hand he held a sword, the God slayer. At his feet lay countless bodies of gods great and small and on his knees before him was the mightiest of them all. The obscure figure raised the sword and smites the last god, heaven wailed.

A great cry echoed throughout heaven and even was heard in the depths of hell. The Oracle wept, tears of blood dropped on the golden floor and stained her white flowing gown. Her maiden came to her bedside and fell back startled she immediately tried to stop the bleeding. The maiden was distraught gods did not bleed. The Oracle sent out a mental summons for the council of Gods to meet at once and so the members came.

In the golden palace of the mightiest god whose name could not be spoken aloud for it was written as the first law of the gods. The council met as the Oracle was lead in for she was now blind; her maiden placed her before the council. As all the gods demand why such a summons was commanded not since the Eternal Realm was spilt into heaven and hell has one come to pass. When all finally looked upon the Oracle bleeding from the eyes and blind did they sense the urgency of the matter. Unbeknownst to the gods of heaven there was another in attendance at urging of his master the black hearted prince of the all below the earth.

The Oracle started “My fellows I bring you tidings of great sorrow for we are no more. It shall come to pass that heaven will burn and all of us even the mightiest of us all shall fall. There will come into being a sword that shall slay gods and set heaven ablaze… As the Oracle topples over and dies her body withers and shrinks upon herself and is no more. Before the Oracle is completely dust Fate the god of destiny sees the truth of it.

Fate wails as a deep sorrow as what must come to past and her hand in it. “He will be a son of two of us yet the son of mortals, the sword will be forged by the gods. He will slay us all… The mightiest of them all his voice boomed causing thunder and lightning to rain down upon the earth, mountains crumbled and the waters of the earth flooded the land. “It shall come to pass that no two gods will ever mate and the forges of heaven shall cease the creation of godly weapons, furthermore all god gifts shall be revoked. What say you all?” The gods turned and in unison said the scared oath that bonded them “rakca”! With that the gods returned to what gods do and Fate the god of destiny set in motion things to come past including the destruction of what she held most dear. * Gods being gods thought themselves beyond the laws that they set and went to the earth in mortal guise to appease themselves physically and that is where the story begins and ends…

Ok now blast away.... :)

ironchef texmex
August 4th, 2004, 03:35 PM
Well, I like the central idea. A fantasy world where gods are trying to hide among the mortal population creates a wealth of possibilities. I could see this being the basis for a pretty interesting prologue.

The problem is the language. I looked back over it a second time to see if I could find any connecting principle for the way in which you constructed your prose. I couldn't find one. The two biggest problems are the tendency to string together independant clauses (run on sentences) and the shifts between past and future verb tenses.

There's nothing wrong with rereading the kind of grammar books that we all learned and promptly forgot back in school. I have one and read from it all the time. Everytime I find things that I've been doing wrong, not intentionally, but just because I forgot the rule. Since I'm not in a profession where 'proper usage' is a component of the job it's only natural that some things would slip from the 'ol noggin. I think a quick refresher could help you get more out of your idea.

Will_Antilles
August 4th, 2004, 03:40 PM
Ok I will try that.

Will_Antilles
August 5th, 2004, 08:46 PM
ok so no other opinions awe come on.

SubZero61992
August 5th, 2004, 08:52 PM
Well, it is difficult and sometimes confusing.

There was no details. And maybe I just did not enjoy because of the Oracle.

I mean, is she a mythical God or are you trying to pretend the Matrix?
Or is she just a thing you made up.

So out of a 1-10 ranking, this gets a 2.


Sorry if that was a little harsh, but I had to blast away. ;)

World Builder
August 5th, 2004, 09:47 PM
I have to agree with Texmex. Its a good, intriguing concept, but the mechanics need some touching up and the piece can benefit from a healthy sprinkle of commas and semicolons. :)

Also, I didn't realize until the very end of the piece that the first paragraph was a prophetic vision. I thought it was occuring "now."

Once the proper mechanics turn this thing into a sleek, well oiled machine I'd be very interested in seeing how Fate has sealed a certain doom for herself and all of her kind. Sounds like this could shape itself into an interesting work of Mythic fantasy.

Expendable
August 5th, 2004, 10:38 PM
Its a good start but its so.... thick. Its starts off with you showing her vision, which is great, but when the oracle comes out of her vision bleeding, you start telling us what's happening instead of showing us.


The Oracle wept, tears of blood dropped on the golden floor and stained her white flowing gown. Her maiden came to her bedside and fell back startled she immediately tried to stop the bleeding. The maiden was distraught gods did not bleed. The Oracle sent out a mental summons for the council of Gods to meet at once and so the members came.

"Mistress, what disturbs you.... Mistress!"
"What is it?" the Oracle demanded. The maiden pointed to a mirror. Turning to face it, she stared at her reflection horrified. Crimson tears of blood - human blood - were coursing down her face.

"It is a sign," she said softly, turning away. "I must... summon the gods."

See?

SubZero61992
August 6th, 2004, 12:04 AM
See, it is a little more catchy the way Expendable put it.

Will_Antilles
August 6th, 2004, 01:08 PM
So ok I need more character inertaction instead of a narrative. So grammer issue. Ok it just avery rough draft getting insight thanks. Sub it has nothing to do with the matrix character with the name oracle has been around log before oracle is justa genrric anme to convey what she is about.

SubZero61992
August 6th, 2004, 01:20 PM
okay,

I am going to try and give a more informative review.

In my first post I said it had no detail and at first was very confusing.
That isnt much at all.

Yes, you need more time to describe your setting.
There really wasnt a great hook at the beginning so I pretty much strained my eyes to read the rest.

You really jumped ahead to forward when saying,
The maiden was distraught gods did not bleed. The Oracle sent out a mental summons for the council of Gods to meet at once and so the members came.

Slow that down. It is like we are watching a movie. We can see the emotions and hear the distress but the way your writing we cannot.

It might have been a tad better if you had said, The Oracle stared blanky with deep horror on her face. Though blind it was as if she was looking straight at something.

The third paragraph abouslutely had no detail except the word ' Blood'.
If I was a God and the Oracle came into a room blind with blood coming out of her eyes I would have imediately drew my breath, and cleared my head to listen.

So you are mostly lacking time and detail in the story.
I hope this helps.
It is my first 'big' critique.