ironchef texmex
August 25th, 2004, 02:44 PM
Not bad, a little syrupy though. Alot of writers have a heavy adj/adv content, it's just that they are intersperced throughout a narative is that is heavy enough on the basics to support the florish.
I like the poetic phrases, though, and I wouldn't take them out. For instance, I knew what bracken was and didn't feel 'talked down to' in the slightest.
(He's lying. He had to look it up.)
Shut up! I did not.
(Did too. I saw it. You had Webster's pulled up the whole time. I don't think you knew a single word until the halfling said 'sh*t'.)
That's a lie! Darknel, don't listen to this nonsense. All I'm saying is that the lyricism should be tempered by a greater amount of detail. Spend more time describing the terrain without using the flowery stuff like bracken.
(Which he didn't know.)
Shut up! Especially toward the end. The scene with the flying beasties and the magical sausage-grinder should have a higher narrative content. Shorten up some of the sentences and talk about the critters hitting the screen. Talk about the mage taking up a defensive posture. Basically, just have a little patience and fill in some details. That will sort of 'water down' the lyricism and allow it to create mood without it overwhelming the story.
(Also, scribble a couple of pictures so that morons like Tex can follow the story)
OH, THAT'S IT!!!
I like the poetic phrases, though, and I wouldn't take them out. For instance, I knew what bracken was and didn't feel 'talked down to' in the slightest.
(He's lying. He had to look it up.)
Shut up! I did not.
(Did too. I saw it. You had Webster's pulled up the whole time. I don't think you knew a single word until the halfling said 'sh*t'.)
That's a lie! Darknel, don't listen to this nonsense. All I'm saying is that the lyricism should be tempered by a greater amount of detail. Spend more time describing the terrain without using the flowery stuff like bracken.
(Which he didn't know.)
Shut up! Especially toward the end. The scene with the flying beasties and the magical sausage-grinder should have a higher narrative content. Shorten up some of the sentences and talk about the critters hitting the screen. Talk about the mage taking up a defensive posture. Basically, just have a little patience and fill in some details. That will sort of 'water down' the lyricism and allow it to create mood without it overwhelming the story.
(Also, scribble a couple of pictures so that morons like Tex can follow the story)
OH, THAT'S IT!!!