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Holbrook
September 4th, 2004, 08:12 AM
Just put up a short story on the new community, wondered what folks thought.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/9p0.html

Eldanuumea
September 4th, 2004, 08:23 AM
Just read it, enjoyed it, wanted it to go on......in my comments, I said these four were more ominous than the original four. :eek:

Jacquin
September 4th, 2004, 09:41 AM
I like that, it is very reminiscent of Good Omens, I think that had the four horsemen as bikers. That aside I can't help but think that that was a introduction, not a short story. I'd really like to read the rest of it!


before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind himalways makes me think of Kurt Russell in Tombstone...

Nice one!

J

Holbrook
September 4th, 2004, 09:51 AM
I like that, it is very reminiscent of Good Omens, I think that had the four horsemen as bikers. That aside I can't help but think that that was a introduction, not a short story. I'd really like to read the rest of it!

always makes me think of Kurt Russell in Tombstone...

Nice one!

J

That version is the best.....


Yes, I know it's an old idea having them on bikes, but I thought of having them on "classic" bikes which matched them and have them not your typical "bikers" lol might give it a bit more of a twist.

Elda, J, there isn't any more :eek: never even thought of it! *gulp*

Jacquin
September 4th, 2004, 10:04 AM
That version is the best.....


Yes, I know its an old idea having them on bikes, but I thought of having them on "classic" bikes which matched them and have them not you typical "bikers" lol might give it a bit more of a twist.


Yeah, I like the bikes, kinda disappointed not to see a Vincent Black Shadow there though, *sighs* what a bike...


Elda, J, there isn't any more :eek: never even thought of it! *gulp*

Then you'd best get writing hadn't you! :p

nicba
September 4th, 2004, 01:58 PM
I like it.

Still, there were a couple of minor details that bothered me a bit:


The horsemen came quietly into the world. [...] A throaty roar cut the night air and the long shadow of a classic Norton Commando 1969 “fastback” came to a stop under the flickering light hung over the dusty car park.

Hmmm. A quiet throaty roar, perhaps? :)


Then another bike appeared. Nothing then it was there, front wheel hard against the Norton’s.

The entry of the Norton Commando sounded to me as if it came driving quite mundanely, roar and all. But the manner of entry of the second bike wasn't entirely clear. Did it just materalize beside the first one, or what?

Beside these two passages, there were also a few places where I thought your senteces could have used an extra comma, or maybe a full stop. And a single place were I thought you might have made a slight spelling mistake ("...the most powerful of their kind..." instead of "...there kind.")

But that's really just nitpicking. I still liked the story. I, too, would very much like to know what those four not-quite-bikers are up to next.

Holbrook
September 4th, 2004, 02:23 PM
Thanks nicba; Another pair of eyes and the mind behind them is good. I just slapped my forehead when I realised that bit about quiet and throaty roar.

There are some run on sentences that need sorting out...

And there and their are the bane of my writing life *grin*

Eldanuumea
September 4th, 2004, 02:29 PM
Then you'd best get writing hadn't you!

What Sammie said....LOL!!

Jacquin
September 4th, 2004, 02:33 PM
Then you'd best get writing hadn't you!

What Sammie said....LOL!!

Errrrrm Elda... that was me!

Jac

Eldanuumea
September 4th, 2004, 02:40 PM
OOps!! LOL Sorry 'bout that, my brain is half-cocked today for some reason......so happy to have a little extra computer time I am trying to do too many things at once.