PDA

View Full Version : This is My Story.


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


SubZero61992
September 7th, 2004, 07:59 PM
Review Please. I will be updating the story.
Update 1: Sep./7/04
Update 2: Sep./8/04= Whole new story.
Update 3: Sep./10/04= Story edit./ Not completed.
Genjo sat beside the warm fire.
During this time of the year it was freezing outside. Food was scarce and medicine took time to make.
Already during the first week of the ' Snow ' seven children had a terrible sickness called ' Cetain Death'.
And worst of all three hunters had eveloped a serious case of heat blindness, a sickness that heats your body to high tempatures and blinds you.
He looked outside of the sleeping hut he was in and all he could see was the furious blizzard that blinded your eyes.
To his right lay the seven sick children. They coughed and sneezed, all of which made Genjo look down. Usually children didn't live through the 'Certain Death' sickness.
The children knew what they had, what it would do, and they were speechless. Most of them had cried so much they looked dead.
After a clicking sound alerted Genjo he looked to where the sick children were. They were freezing.
Genjo stood and walked to a pile of blankets. He foun dhis own and covered the children with it.
He reached down beside the exit and heaved a heavy fur blanket. He gently covered the children and sat back down to work on the fire.
While he was rubbing he heard the crunching of someone walking on snow and he looked up.
It was his father.
With a look of respect in Genjo's blue eyes he asked, " Is there something I may help you with, Father?".
His father shook his head and Genjo resumed his rubbing.
" For the Heavens sake Genjo!" his father suddenly said. Genjo looked up. " You are only seventeen years old and you are doing work way to rough for your young hands!".
Genjo didn't say anything. It was true. Genjo had taken the firestarters job without permission, and where he was now was unknown.

Expendable
September 7th, 2004, 11:01 PM
As if time froze, all of his surroundings burned into an everlasting image that printed the back of his eyes.

Drop the "As if". Its too passive. The man's dying.


There was no sound, only the distant retreating Dark Army.

Retreating? They've been repulsed or have they advanced through your village leaving the dead and dying behind them?


They had ripped Genjo's village apart. Leaving no one gasping for air alive.

So someone who was breathing normally wasn't touched? Or did you mean everyone died? If everyone died, drop the 'gasping for air' and join these two sentences together.

'They had ripped Genjo's village apart, leaving no one alive.'

Quick and to the point.

SubZero61992
September 8th, 2004, 05:19 AM
Drop the "As if". Its too passive. The man's dying.



Retreating? They've been repulsed or have they advanced through your village leaving the dead and dying behind them?



So someone who was breathing normally wasn't touched? Or did you mean everyone died? If everyone died, drop the 'gasping for air' and join these two sentences together.

'They had ripped Genjo's village apart, leaving no one alive.'

Quick and to the point.

I edited the story with your help. Thanks.

Expendable
September 8th, 2004, 10:31 AM
You're welcome.

SubZero61992
September 8th, 2004, 07:42 PM
Story has been Updated!

Expendable
September 10th, 2004, 06:51 PM
SubZero?

Instead of updating the first post, just add a new reply or better yet, create a new thread. Right now anyone who looks at your first post will be lost when they read the first reply.

I'm confused by this bit you posted.

Genjo's trying to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together - what happen to the fire from last night? Did someone forget to feed the fire during the night? Was there no coals left in the embers to start a new fire? Why doesn't he just go to another lodge to get fresh coals?

Why doesn't he know how to make a fire himself? Didn't anyone teach him? Hasn't he watched the firestarter to see how to make a fire?


Genjo had taken the firestarters job without permission, and where he was now was unknown.
Is Genjo in trouble for trying to make a fire without permission, or is the firestarter missing?

Why isn't there any adults in the lodge with Genjo and the sick children? Does Genjo have a cold?

SubZero61992
September 10th, 2004, 08:40 PM
Thanks for the help.

I'll update soon.

Expendable
September 10th, 2004, 10:50 PM
Food is usually plentiful during the first month of winter, if the harvest was good. Its the end of winter before spring thaw and new crops grow that's food is scarce. Unless for some reason the harvest was bad or the blizzard's gone on for several days so hunters can't go out. Even then at the start of winter there should be food stored.

It sounds like Genjo's tribe lives a hard life in a northern region. Why would his father want his son to be crippled with soft hands? At 17 shouldn't he already be a man of the tribe, helping with the hunt and harvest?

You also do a lot of telling in your story.

The children knew what they had, what it would do, and they were speechless. Most of them had cried so much they looked dead.
After a clicking sound alerted Genjo he looked to where the sick children were. They were freezing. Genjo stood and walked to a pile of blankets. He foun dhis own and covered the children with it.
He reached down beside the exit and heaved a heavy fur blanket. He gently covered the children and sat back down to work on the fire.


Work on your description more. Show us the lodge and the people in it. Use colors, smell, texture. Call one child by name. Have him tell Genjo's he's freezing. You could have Genjo's father come in and they can talk quietly about how sick the children are instead of you telling us about it. His father could even praise his son for his hard work in caring for the sick instead of saying something about his soft hands.

What are the children sick with? Pick a disease, like pneumonia and give the children more symptoms.