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Jamza1986
September 22nd, 2004, 01:53 PM
I don't like to be left out, so I thought I'd post my synopsis too. I imagine there's some fundemental flaws in it, but I don't know what they are....

Synopsis of Ardenís Call by James Watson


Arden Layn is a wealthy young man of importance living in Miranna, a vas, futuristic utopia. After foolishly heading into the run-down and criminal Undercity below this metropolis, Arden finds himself lost deep within ancient tunnels beneath Miranna. In a desperate attempt to escape, Arden unwittingly passes through a gateway to another world. The strange medieval world of Aasla has a heritage of both technological wonders and rich mythology. It is a place incomprehensible to Arden. Alone and terrified, Arden is attacked by a hellish creature called a Kragar, which wounds him. After encountering kind farmers who take him in, a healer discovers the wound has caused him to contract the dreaded and feared Burning Blood, an affliction that gives a man great powers of strength, while corrupting his mind to use this power for evil. He is henceforth known as a Bloodling.

The armies of the world hunt him mercilessly, and Arden must rely on inexplicable aid from a mysterious stranger, Raun, who is himself hunted as an outlaw. Arden travels to Shaudall, the city of the Shadowdancers, who are the secretive guardians of this world. Here Arden finds that being a Bloodling; he may be the only one who can defeat the ancient king Trennias Sornden, a tyrant who wields a power that could destroy all. Doing so may also be the only way of returning home to Miranna. Indebted to these people for his survival, Arden is forced to aid them in this perilous task.

Arden undertakes a journey to the Cradle of the Heavens in the far north with a select group of the Shadowdancers in order to face Trennias Sornden. He meets Virida, the newly crowned queen of an ancient and beautiful race, who is dedicated to proving herself, most of all to Raun, and to make him think her more than the foolish girl who once loved him. After becoming separated from his companions, Arden encounters the unsettling Davir, the brother of Raun, who proposes a dangerous scheme to defeat Trennias. Arden also finds love when he captures Jair, the only daughter of the man leading the force determined to kill him.

In the meantime, Ardenís mentor, Raun, struggles to piece together a mystery and uncover why any man should want to unleash the ancient kingís malice upon the world. When the culprit is revealed to be Davir, his half brother and the madman who murdered his family, Raunís personal vendetta returns to haunt him, and reawakens the nightmare of being a Bloodling himself.

Conflicts abound as the groups meet at the Cradle of the Heavens. In a whirlwind of tragedy, Davir releases Trennias Sornden from his eternal prison. Together, Raun and Arden must put aside their anguish to endeavour to end this evil forever. In a final showdown at the Vortex of Worlds, Arden throws away the chance of returning home by destroying the gateway to Miranna, thereby taking Doomguard, Trenniasí sword, and the key to his power. As the king flees, defeated, Raun lays down his life, ending his grief and pain allowing Arden to escape the hordes of Kragar monsters in pursuit.

Arden Layn becomes stranded in an Aasla that has been saved from the greatest danger, but still in turmoil. He must make a new life for himself in this world with Jair, a life with meaning and purpose; finally free all the constraints that once bound him.


Ok, that's it. I was also wondering about the query letter; specifically
a. What goes in it?
b. I'm writing three of these, do I mention its gonna be a trilogy?
c. Do details of my story come into it?
d. Anything else?

Thanks everyone ;) I value your help immensely :D

lego
September 23rd, 2004, 06:56 AM
Hi James,

sounds good to me. I only have a few questions that aren't quite clear from the synopsis. I don't know if all of them are important to the plot, but I thought I point them out, so you can see the reaction of a reader who comes totally "fresh" (i.e. ignorant :D ) to your novel.

1. I wonder why you chose a cross-over premise where both worlds are unfamiliar to the reader. In these kind of novels the protagonist usually originates from modern Earth and then goes to the fantasy world. Arden Layn, however, seems to come from a science fiction setting. Does this have any relevance to the plot, for example does he have superior technology knowledge he needs for his struggles in Aasla? Doesn't it feel overwhelming to the reader when you introduce not one but two worlds in quick succession?

2. ... while corrupting his mind to use this power for evil.
I found this a fascinating statement full of implied consequences for a personality change, but you don't follow up on the promise. I would like to see this temptation for evil explored in the next paragraphs. How does the Burning Blood influence Arden? Does he throw berserker-like rage fits in which he kills innocent bystanders? Does he suffer from delusions of grandeur, for example does he think himself a just hero while in fact he only brings bloodshed? Does he feel guilty for crimes he committed under the influence of the disease?

3. ...he may be the only one who can defeat the ancient king Trennias Sornden, a tyrant who wields a power that could destroy all.
This sounds a little too evil-overlordish for my taste. Granted, evil overlords are a pet peeve of mine, and many readers like the classic fight of good versus evil, but I wonder if you can reword the sentence so it sounds less cliched? It would help me if you mentioned what kind of power Trennias wields and why this power threatens Aarsla. Later you say Arden escapes from a horde of Kragers, so is Trennias the master of these monsters? On the other hand, you also say Trennias gets freed from a prison, so how powerful is he while he's still imprisoned? Why not just leave him there?

4. Arden also finds love when he captures Jair, the only daughter of the man leading the force determined to kill him.
At first reading I assumed Jair is Trennias' daughter but then I realized you probably meant her father is the leader of the armies of the world that hunt Arden. I would prefer it if you gave me the name of this war leader and introduced him earlier. I would also like to know if Jair accompanies Arden to the showdown and helps him. In case she doesn't, where is she during the final battle?

5. the Cradle of the Heavens: you mention this place twice and while I assume it's Trennias' stronghold, an idiot-proof identification would give me a picture to visualize. Is it a castle, a city, a mountain? The name sounds great, by the way.

I like the description of the showdown. Despite its shortness, I can imagine what every character does to defeat Trennias. The tragic sacrifice of Raun sounds very touching as well. Overall, the synopsis gives me an impression of an exciting, fast-paced, and action-stuffed adventure. Thanks for sharing it.

I wish you good luck for selling Arden's Call!

Jamza1986
September 23rd, 2004, 12:49 PM
Thanks for your opinions lego, as I said, I really appreciate it. I mite paste my revised synopsis after a few more replies. For now tho, I'll awnser the questions.

1. I don't honestly know where the crossover thing came in. I can see it sounds strange. I does work on paper I think, but it mite put agents off. Reasons were, a. he is a stranger to Aasla, the main world, as is the reader. Helps to introduce it. b. Mirannan society shares some of our key morals in some areas. So, Arden is able to voice moral questions in the story that the reader might be thinking. c. It makes my universe more rich for the subsequent books. I also love the image of a post-technological society. Its my way of introducing orignality into my world. d. There are specific and integral reasons for the crossover to do with the story. I believe Feist's 'Magician' does this too.

2. The awkwardness here is that Arden actually doesn't have the Burning Blood (tho Raun does) he merely gains bizarre powers, the reason for which will b revealed in the next book lol. Dunno how to address that in this synopsis.

3. Trennias is evil, but not an overlord. He is controlled, and is seperately being used by another. His release is engineered by the mad Davir Dannol. He is in turn being used by Issrith Tenorsan, the true villian of the story. In summary, it is not as clear cut as my synopsis would suggest, and needs changing.

4. Jair is the daughter of Tolurun Houther, commander of the company that hunts him. She is with Arden at the end, he in fact saves her father's life. By that time however, Raun and Arden are the only ones are the only ones who have a chance of besting Trennias.

5. The Cradle of the Heavens is a great fortress, the largest building in the world. It is the centre of learning, and the Order of the Ready Scribe. And yes, it contains the Prison of Time, where Trennias is incarcerated.

Thanks very much. The main challenge of this is getting it all on one page. Thats y it might sound short.

lego
September 23rd, 2004, 02:12 PM
Sorry, I really should watch my words better. With "shortness" I did not want to imply the showdown reads too short in the synopsis. I actually intended a compliment, namely that you managed to pack so many character interactions into one paragraph and still keep it coherent. Concise shortness is a good thing for any writing, especially for a synopsis!

Hmm, concerning the Burning Blood dilemma: Maybe you could say something a la, "Arden develops a few of the typical symptoms (physical strength, magical talents, whatever), but he does not suffer the drawbacks of a mad mind, a fact which puzzles his companions." That would not give away he does not have the Burning Blood, but it would reveal a little more clarification.

KatG
September 24th, 2004, 01:21 PM
I promise to try and make comments in a few days. In the meantime:



Ok, that's it. I was also wondering about the query letter; specifically
a. What goes in it?
b. I'm writing three of these, do I mention its gonna be a trilogy?
c. Do details of my story come into it?
d. Anything else?

Thanks everyone ;) I value your help immensely :D

Traditionally, the query letter consists of 2-3 paragraphs briefly describing the story (if you attach a plot synopsis to the query, the description in the query letter can be pretty succinct;) 1-2 paragraphs about you, the author, chiefly any publishing credits you have, nf or fiction, your current occupation, and any other biographical info about you that is directly relevant to the work or to the media, i.e. you're a master fencer writing about a swordsman or you used to work for a national magazine; and a request or invitation to the agency or publisher to consider the manuscript. There's lots of debate about which of these elements is suppose to go first, but if you have them all in there, you're probably fine. You can mention that it is the first volume of a trilogy, especially if the book has a very open ending, and if details of the trilogy are important to understanding the plot of volume one, you can mention them in the query or the plot synopsis.

Perhaps ChrisG might mention where he read those plot synopses from famous authors and maybe it has query letter samples too. Couldn't hurt.

Jamza1986
September 24th, 2004, 01:24 PM
Thanks Kat, I'll get working on my letter. Thanks for the promise of later comments as well - I've said many times how much I value your infromed opinions :)

KatG
September 27th, 2004, 11:55 AM
Okay, you've actually got some plot in here, so I'm going to mainly ask questions.



Synopsis of Ardenís Call by James Watson

Arden Layn is a wealthy young man of importance living in Miranna, a vas, futuristic utopia.

Stop right there. What do you mean by a vas, er, vast futuristic utopia? Is it Earth's future? Is Miranna a city, a moon, a planet, an alternate realm where everyone is utopian? How is it a utopia? How is it futuristic? Do they have flying cars? Androids, what?


After foolishly heading into the run-down and criminal Undercity below this metropolis, Arden finds himself lost deep within ancient tunnels beneath Miranna.

Okay, Miranna is a city. We don't know where the city is, but it gives us a little better idea of the setting. And it apparently has an Undercity. Ruins? Shacks? The sewer system? Are the ancient tunnels for water, sewers, now unused subway trains? You're trying to be succinct about Arden's past, but since his leaving Miranna is a big point in the novel, our having very little idea of the world he lives in may make the transition uninteresting. (I believe Lego pointed this out too.)


In a desperate attempt to escape, Arden unwittingly passes through a gateway to another world.

I agree -- a desperate attempt to escape what? How does he unwittingly pass through what sort of gateway to another world? Does he knock over the wrong monkey statue or something?


The strange medieval world of Aasla has a heritage of both technological wonders and rich mythology. It is a place incomprehensible to Arden.

And it would be incomprehensible to him why exactly? If Miranna does not allow the study of history, then a medieval world would seem pretty strange to him, I guess. Or is Miranna completely separate from Earth and never had a medieval period?


Alone and terrified, Arden is attacked by a hellish creature called a Kragar, which wounds him. After encountering kind farmers who take him in, a healer discovers the wound has caused him to contract the dreaded and feared Burning Blood, an affliction that gives a man great powers of strength, while corrupting his mind to use this power for evil. He is henceforth known as a Bloodling.

And the healer mistakenly diagnoses this disease why? Because the Kragars are believed to spread the disease? How bad an epidemic is it? Is it contagious?


The armies of the world hunt him mercilessly, and Arden must rely on inexplicable aid from a mysterious stranger, Raun, who is himself hunted as an outlaw.

What sort of aid does he give Arden? What sort of an outlaw is Raun proportedly?


Arden travels to Shaudall, the city of the Shadowdancers, who are the secretive guardians of this world.

Why does he go there?


Here Arden finds that being a Bloodling; he may be the only one who can defeat the ancient king Trennias Sornden, a tyrant who wields a power that could destroy all. Doing so may also be the only way of returning home to Miranna. Indebted to these people for his survival, Arden is forced to aid them in this perilous task.

I agree, if a Bloodling turns evil, why is a Bloodling the only one who can take down another evil? Wouldn't a Bloodling join up with King Trennias? Why is taking up the quest the only way to get back to Miranna? Who is Arden indebted to? Are these people blackmailing him over his return ticket?


Arden undertakes a journey to the Cradle of the Heavens in the far north with a select group of the Shadowdancers in order to face Trennias Sornden. He meets Virida, the newly crowned queen of an ancient and beautiful race,

Race as in ethnicity or race as in different species like elves?


who is dedicated to proving herself, most of all to Raun, and to make him think her more than the foolish girl who once loved him. After becoming separated from his companions, Arden encounters the unsettling Davir, the brother of Raun, who proposes a dangerous scheme to defeat Trennias. Arden also finds love when he captures Jair, the only daughter of the man leading the force determined to kill him.

I agree, name Jair's dad. If the Shadowdancers are having Arden work for them, and the Shadowdancers are the guardians of the place, then why are there still men pursuing Arden for being a Bloodling? Wouldn't the Shadowdancers have called them off?


In the meantime, Ardenís mentor, Raun, struggles to piece together a mystery and uncover why any man should want to unleash the ancient kingís malice upon the world.

Have no clue what you're talking about here.


When the culprit is revealed to be Davir, his half brother and the madman who murdered his family, Raunís personal vendetta returns to haunt him, and reawakens the nightmare of being a Bloodling himself.

So Raun is really evil? But his half-brother killed his family? And Raun knows this how? We're missing Raun's whole back-story here and since it's relevant to the plot, you're probably going to have to provide more details.


Conflicts abound as the groups meet at the Cradle of the Heavens.

Cut this sentence. You don't have to announce conflict, just describe it.


In a whirlwind of tragedy, Davir releases Trennias Sornden from his eternal prison. Together, Raun and Arden must put aside their anguish to endeavour to end this evil forever.

I believe the word here is "Huh?" Trennias, the big threat, is in a prison? What particular anguish is Arden suffering from? Which evil are they trying to end? What exactly is the danger here?


In a final showdown at the Vortex of Worlds,

At the what?


Arden throws away the chance of returning home by destroying the gateway to Miranna, thereby taking Doomguard, Trenniasí sword, and the key to his power.

Why would destroying the gateway take away Trennias' sword (which you might have mentioned was the deadly earth-shattering weapon before this)? How does Arden destroy the gateway? Isn't there more than one gateway -- the one Arden entered through and this one at the Vortex? Why are there gateways anyway? And where did all Arden's allies go? Did they all die?


As the king flees, defeated, Raun lays down his life, ending his grief and pain allowing Arden to escape the hordes of Kragar monsters in pursuit.

The king flees and no one stops him? What happens to the evil half-brother? How does Raun lay down his life? How does this stop a horde of Kragar monsters? Why would Raun lay down his life if he's evil? Why does Arden fight the king if he's turning evil? (We know now that Arden was misdiagnosed, which makes the prophecy about only a Bloodling defeating the evil king sort of worthless, but you haven't mentioned that Arden isn't really a Bloodling in the synopsis.)


Arden Layn becomes stranded in an Aasla that has been saved from the greatest danger, but still in turmoil. He must make a new life for himself in this world with Jair, a life with meaning and purpose; finally free all the constraints that once bound him.

What constraints? What about his turning evil? (See above.)

So, we've got a lot of action here, and much emotional upheaval apparently, a good measure of magical politics certainly, but very little context for any of it. You're going to need to provide enough background info, I think, and some documentation of the emotional changes Arden goes through -- what he's like at the beginning and then at the end. You've got a good framework, but it could be clearer. Try to avoid vague statements that do not contain any concrete info. If you give a name, you have to explain who or what the name is.

Jamza1986
September 27th, 2004, 12:25 PM
Thanks for the comments, I'll try to answer the questions and think about them. Remember I've tried to get down a one page synopsis. Its really difficult to cover anything in any detail in the space.

Stop right there. What do you mean by a vas, er, vast futuristic utopia? Is it Earth's future? Is Miranna a city, a moon, a planet, an alternate realm where everyone is utopian? How is it a utopia? How is it futuristic? Do they have flying cars? Androids, what?

Its a city orbiting a Earth-like planet in an alternative realm. I mean 'futuristic' in terms of how we would regard its technology. Flying cars: Yes. Androids: No, not really.

Quote:
After foolishly heading into the run-down and criminal Undercity below this metropolis, Arden finds himself lost deep within ancient tunnels beneath Miranna.


Okay, Miranna is a city. We don't know where the city is, but it gives us a little better idea of the setting. And it apparently has an Undercity. Ruins? Shacks? The sewer system? Are the ancient tunnels for water, sewers, now unused subway trains? You're trying to be succinct about Arden's past, but since his leaving Miranna is a big point in the novel, our having very little idea of the world he lives in may make the transition uninteresting. (I believe Lego pointed this out too.)

The Undercity is a big network of maintainace tunnels illegally inhabited by criminals.

Quote:
In a desperate attempt to escape, Arden unwittingly passes through a gateway to another world.


I agree -- a desperate attempt to escape what? How does he unwittingly pass through what sort of gateway to another world? Does he knock over the wrong monkey statue or something?

He foolishly went to the Undercity and got lost escaping potential kidnappers.
Using the gate to Aasla was a last ditch attempt to find his way back up to the surface. He didn't know what kind of a portal he was entering.

And it would be incomprehensible to him why exactly? If Miranna does not allow the study of history, then a medieval world would seem pretty strange to him, I guess. Or is Miranna completely separate from Earth and never had a medieval period?

Quote:
Alone and terrified, Arden is attacked by a hellish creature called a Kragar, which wounds him. After encountering kind farmers who take him in, a healer discovers the wound has caused him to contract the dreaded and feared Burning Blood, an affliction that gives a man great powers of strength, while corrupting his mind to use this power for evil. He is henceforth known as a Bloodling.


And the healer mistakenly diagnoses this disease why? Because the Kragars are believed to spread the disease? How bad an epidemic is it? Is it contagious?

Quote:
The armies of the world hunt him mercilessly, and Arden must rely on inexplicable aid from a mysterious stranger, Raun, who is himself hunted as an outlaw.


What sort of aid does he give Arden? What sort of an outlaw is Raun proportedly?

Quote:
Arden travels to Shaudall, the city of the Shadowdancers, who are the secretive guardians of this world.


Why does he go there?

Miranna is an orbital city, its been there for a long time. Over the years they have forgotten what a planet is like. And Arden isnt interested in ancient history.

(Burning Blood question) Its very rare, many ppl think it doesnt exists, but it still terrifies ppl. I suppose u could compare it to Burning Blood = Werewolf or somthin in our mythology. The reason why its misdiagnosed is complicated. Someone wants them to believe he has it.

(Raun) Raun is a murderer and thief, allegedly. He helps Arden to escape and travels across the land with him.

(Shaudall) He goes there because Raun is going there. He is a Shadowdancer.

Got to go, :) I'll finish it later

Jamza1986
September 27th, 2004, 03:23 PM
I agree, if a Bloodling turns evil, why is a Bloodling the only one who can take down another evil? Wouldn't a Bloodling join up with King Trennias? Why is taking up the quest the only way to get back to Miranna? Who is Arden indebted to? Are these people blackmailing him over his return ticket?

Quote:
Arden undertakes a journey to the Cradle of the Heavens in the far north with a select group of the Shadowdancers in order to face Trennias Sornden. He meets Virida, the newly crowned queen of an ancient and beautiful race,


Race as in ethnicity or race as in different species like elves?

Quote:
who is dedicated to proving herself, most of all to Raun, and to make him think her more than the foolish girl who once loved him. After becoming separated from his companions, Arden encounters the unsettling Davir, the brother of Raun, who proposes a dangerous scheme to defeat Trennias. Arden also finds love when he captures Jair, the only daughter of the man leading the force determined to kill him.


I agree, name Jair's dad. If the Shadowdancers are having Arden work for them, and the Shadowdancers are the guardians of the place, then why are there still men pursuing Arden for being a Bloodling? Wouldn't the Shadowdancers have called them off?

Quote:
In the meantime, Ardenís mentor, Raun, struggles to piece together a mystery and uncover why any man should want to unleash the ancient kingís malice upon the world.


Have no clue what you're talking about here.


(Bloodling question) Bloodlings are usually evil by nature, though it depends on their willpower to resist corruption. They are however very powerful. They are really the only creatures that physically have a chance of killing Trennias.

(Virida question) Different species. Winged, in fact.

(Jair Question) I will name her Dad. The Shadowdancers cannot effectively call them off. There is no clear hierarchy, and the Shadowdancers would not be obeyed if they tried to end the crusade against this Bloodling.

(Raun question) Raun is trying to get to the bottom of why a particular faction in Aasla would want ot release Trennias Sornden

Quote:
When the culprit is revealed to be Davir, his half brother and the madman who murdered his family, Raunís personal vendetta returns to haunt him, and reawakens the nightmare of being a Bloodling himself.


So Raun is really evil? But his half-brother killed his family? And Raun knows this how? We're missing Raun's whole back-story here and since it's relevant to the plot, you're probably going to have to provide more details.

Quote:
Conflicts abound as the groups meet at the Cradle of the Heavens.


Cut this sentence. You don't have to announce conflict, just describe it.

Quote:
In a whirlwind of tragedy, Davir releases Trennias Sornden from his eternal prison. Together, Raun and Arden must put aside their anguish to endeavour to end this evil forever.


I believe the word here is "Huh?" Trennias, the big threat, is in a prison? What particular anguish is Arden suffering from? Which evil are they trying to end? What exactly is the danger here?

Quote:
In a final showdown at the Vortex of Worlds,


At the what?

Quote:
Arden throws away the chance of returning home by destroying the gateway to Miranna, thereby taking Doomguard, Trenniasí sword, and the key to his power.


Why would destroying the gateway take away Trennias' sword (which you might have mentioned was the deadly earth-shattering weapon before this)? How does Arden destroy the gateway? Isn't there more than one gateway -- the one Arden entered through and this one at the Vortex? Why are there gateways anyway? And where did all Arden's allies go? Did they all die?

Quote:
As the king flees, defeated, Raun lays down his life, ending his grief and pain allowing Arden to escape the hordes of Kragar monsters in pursuit.


The king flees and no one stops him? What happens to the evil half-brother? How does Raun lay down his life? How does this stop a horde of Kragar monsters? Why would Raun lay down his life if he's evil? Why does Arden fight the king if he's turning evil? (We know now that Arden was misdiagnosed, which makes the prophecy about only a Bloodling defeating the evil king sort of worthless, but you haven't mentioned that Arden isn't really a Bloodling in the synopsis.)

Quote:
Arden Layn becomes stranded in an Aasla that has been saved from the greatest danger, but still in turmoil. He must make a new life for himself in this world with Jair, a life with meaning and purpose; finally free all the constraints that once bound him.


What constraints? What about his turning evil? (See above.)

(Raun question) He's not evil. He resists corruption by the disease. He has been left cold and unfeeling by it, but he wouldn't commit evil acts.

(Davir and Trennias question) Davir is the madman who is trying to release Trennias, and the danger is that Sorndon may be freed to oppress the nations once again. Arden is suffering from the anguish of the death of one of his companions at the hands of Trennias, Raun is anguished after he kills his half brother.

(gates question) Right, the gates are part of the Vortex of worlds, the central hub of fast transport in the mythical times. There are seven of them. They didn't work until they were recently reactivated by Davir.

The sequence of events is; Arden smashes the gate to Miranna to prevent Trennias from travelling there to destroy it, preventing Arden from going home. He then battles Trennias, slicing Doomgaurd from his hands. In the process, Trennias, now harmless, escapes through a different gateway. They cannot persue, because they have bigger problems.

Arden's allies arn't dead, but only Raun and Arden can be involved in the fight with Trennias.

Arden has to take the gateway back to the Cradle of the Heavens, so Doomguard can be resecured. Raun stays behind to fight the hundreds of Kragar. He destroys the gate after Arden has gone through. He wants to lay down his life to end his constant struggle to keep his mind.

(at the end) Arden is free of the constraints his noble upbringing put upon him.


Thanks very much for these comments. As I said, I was just trying to get as much plot info onto one page, thanks :)

nicba
September 27th, 2004, 06:02 PM
Arden Layn is a wealthy young man of importance living in Miranna, a vas, futuristic utopia. After foolishly heading into the run-down and criminal Undercity below this metropolis...

Hey, wait a moment! If Miranna is an utopian city why does it have a run-down Undercity? Not to mention criminals? Doesn't sound very much like an utopia I would like living in.

(From Merriam-Webster: Utopia: a place of ideal perfection especially in laws, government, and social conditions)


In a desperate attempt to escape, Arden unwittingly passes through a gateway to another world.

A gateway to another world? And no-one knew it was there? Miranna authorities must get a lot of strange "missing person" reports if people are running around accidently dropping into gateways to other worlds.


The strange medieval world of Aasla has a heritage of both technological wonders and rich mythology. It is a place incomprehensible to Arden. Alone and terrified,

Well, the first thing I would do, if I should ever happend to stumble through a portal into another world and be stranded alone and terrified in a strange place, would be to turn right back an jump through the portal in reverse. Or is this portal one-way only? That would explain why Arden has never heard of tourists dropping by from medieval Aasla to gawk at the futuristic wonders of Miranna.


Here Arden finds that being a Bloodling; he may be the only one who can defeat the ancient king Trennias Sornden

But Arden wasn't really a Bloodling, was he? So he'll not have any super-powers to fight this ancient king with. We can therefore expect Arden to lose this battle and be slaugthered. Or what?


Indebted to these people for his survival, Arden is forced to aid them in this perilous task.

Forced? I thought these people were his friends? Don't he like them? Wouldn't he want to help them? Really, has he anything better to do? It seems to me as if he better help them in order to help himself against whatever forces are hunting him.


In the meantime, Ardenís mentor, Raun, struggles to piece together a mystery and uncover why any man should want to unleash the ancient kingís malice upon the world.

Didn't Arden & Co. specifically set out to vanquish this ancient king and his doomsday weapon? Why, if the poor king is already imprisoned?


Conflicts abound as the groups meet at the Cradle of the Heavens.

What conflict? Er, except from the obvious one between the young Arden and the poor old imprioned king and his doomsday weapon. The king wasn't allowed to keep that thing in prison, was he?


In a final showdown at the Vortex of Worlds, Arden throws away the chance of returning home by destroying the gateway to Miranna

Another gateway to Miranna? How many are there? Is this one a two-way gate then? This 'vortex of worlds' sounds a bit like some big cosmic transit hall. So, if this is the place that houses all the gateways between worlds, what business did the very first gateway in the story have of depositing Arden smack in the middle of a fantasy world? (as opposed to here, at the vortex, where the other gateways are).

How did they end up in this vortex, after all? Couldn't Arden have gone directly here, thereby avoiding the rather messy family row between Raun and Davir?


thereby taking Doomguard, Trenniasí sword, and the key to his power. As the king flees, defeated, Raun lays down his life, ending his grief and pain allowing Arden to escape the hordes of Kragar monsters in pursuit.

Those monsters are persistent, you have to give them that. How did they get to the vortex? Isn't it guarded at all? And what do they have against Arden anyhow? Is it Jair's father comming down hard on the prospective son-in-law? Or was that yet another force pursuing Arden?


finally free all the constraints that once bound him.

So, he's finally dropped these restricting moral scriptures fostered on him by his parents, given in to the power of the Bloodling and released his inner Łber-mensch? Or what?


Ok, that's it.

Yeah. That's it. Well, actually I kind of liked it :) It was fun ripping through your synopsis with a chainsaw ;) - I hope you don't mind. Still, I agree with KatG. You got a solid framework for a very entertaining story here. And the synopsis in itself is very readable. There're just some things that needs a little more clarification...