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CharlieHorse
September 26th, 2004, 09:57 PM
I'm new to this website and I'm also new to writing fantasy. I usually steer clear of it but recently I decided to try so I wrote the beginning of what could be a pretty good story although I don't know yet. I was wondering if anyone could please read it and let me know what they think of it... it's under Charlie Mackenzie in the authors section and the title is The Beginning (only because I don't have a real title yet)... thanks.

Drew
September 26th, 2004, 10:31 PM
Rule of thumb here is to post a link to your writing.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/40p0.html

;)

Personally, I am not a fantasy fan... I enjoy suspense/scifi... so even if I were to read it, I would automatically be biased against it! Sorry, but good luck, there are plenty of helpful fantasy critquiers (sp?) around here!

Expendable
September 26th, 2004, 11:51 PM
First of all, Drow belongs to TSR & Wizards of the Coast. Call them dark elves or make up your own name, but don't use Drow if you don't want to get sued.

Then there's this massive infodump between when the assassins leave for the cottage and just before they arrive. I think this could have been handled better. Like in a meeting with the king and Eul’ori just before she leaves join the others waiting to ride on the cottage. It would answer questions like just how they knew the three they sought were in that cottage.

If you're going to have a child being carried off by a wolf just before the dark elves arrive, then describe it AT THE TIME IT HAPPENS. How did the people in the cottage know the dark elves were coming? Why not show us their side of the story, knowing the dark elves are on their way and preparnig for it? Nobody likes sudden surprises. You're cheating yourself and the reader.

How did the wolf howl with a bundle in its mouth?

It's a good start, you've got what looks like a good story here. But it's going to need some work.

CharlieHorse
September 27th, 2004, 03:16 AM
I didn't know about the drow name because most of the websites I've been to used that name and not dark elves... I'll fix that as soon as possible, thanks.
All in all, not a bad first critique... I expected worse. I'll work on what you suggested and, hopefully, the next draft will be better. Thanks a lot!

CharlieHorse
September 27th, 2004, 09:16 AM
Thanks for the tip on posting... this website is a little hard to navigate for me.

Expendable
September 27th, 2004, 10:20 PM
I didn't know about the drow name because most of the websites I've been to used that name and not dark elves... I'll fix that as soon as possible, thanks.
All in all, not a bad first critique... I expected worse. I'll work on what you suggested and, hopefully, the next draft will be better. Thanks a lot!

Its one thing to mention Drow on a website, another thing to use them in fanfics. But for original fiction, it's taboo to use a race that someone else named. Plus a violation of copyright. Merlin's ok to use because he's passed into public domain, but naming a wizard "Gandalf" will get you sued by the Tolken estate.

If it'll make you feel better, I'll go over your submission again. ;)

CharlieHorse
September 27th, 2004, 10:53 PM
That'd be great if you could go over it again... I took the story off for now to work on the things you suggested... but I'll let you know when I post it again.