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SubZero61992
September 26th, 2004, 11:18 PM
Alright, I have heard of first writing the end or middle of a story and then expanding it, and so I am giving it a try.
This is what I have written for the middle or close to midde part of my story.

Genjo was led by stone cold hands into the ice sculpted castle of Seymour.
He could barely keep his pace on the slick ice floor but Seymour's Royal Guards acted like they were walking on rock.
The ice walls surrounding him were so thick it was like looking into a mirror, a very uncomfortable feeling for Genjo.
He noticed how spheres of ice hung on the walls and lit the long hall to the throne room.
His wrist burned as the rope rubbed his skin raw.
As he was dragged through the hall he couldn't help not to think about what had happened to his friends. But his main focus was the bite Naomi had received from the vampires in the Dead Town. That would alone be a good reason to execute her.
He had heard of this castle before, but most people described it as being owned by a dark Lord. But not one thing he had seen so far, reminded Genjo of anything dark.
He lifted his head slightly and saw an end to the hall.
The Guards sat Genjo down on the ground and walked to the wall that seemed to have shut the hall off from going any further.
They both pulled a trumpet from their belt and sounded a royal tune.
Slowly and ground shakingly, the wall rolled inside the halls walls and revealed Seymour's throne room.
The guards lifted Genjo up and walked him inside. Seymour's face was hidden under a red face mask, often used for hiding in shadows, but strangely it was bright red.
His armor was brigth red too and partly hidden under his purple cloak and cape. On his belt was a silver sword in a diamond sheath. His hair was as silver as the ice walls surrounding him and his eyes the same.
Genjo felt an uneasy feeling as Seymour's eyes pierced his own.

Drew
September 26th, 2004, 11:28 PM
Not too bad...

The only thing that I can nitpick is the usage of ice. Even if you had the resources, why make handcuffs of ice?

Expendable
September 27th, 2004, 12:33 AM
He could barely keep his pace on the slick ice floor but Seymour's Royal Guards acted like they were walking on carpet.

Has Genjo ever seen carpet?


The ice walls surrounding him were so thick it was like looking into a mirror, a very uncomfortable feeling for Genjo.
He noticed how strange glowing balls of ice hung on the walls and lit the long hall to the throne room.

This is so very passive. He noticed how strange glowing balls of ice...?

The thick walls of the ice hall glittered with the light from the brilliantly burning spheres hanging on them....


His wrist burned as the ice hand-cuffs rubbed his skin freezing cold.

Unless this is Cops filmed in Antartica, forget the ice cuffs. His hands will be tied in ropes or he'll be in chains. Or even portable stocks. Handcuffs are from the 1800's. Before then they used ropes, chains, and stocks.


As he was technically dragged through the hall he couldn't help not to think about what had happened to his friends. He doubted they had been killed, for the Royal Guard still dragged Genjo by holding their hands firmly in his underarms, instead of dragging him by the wrist, which meant they were gentle and kind people.

TECHNICALLY? This isn't a court of law. Rework this to describe it better. Don't go passive. This is so passive right now! And how is the royal guard being nice if their ice-cuffs are freezing his hands off?


If Genjo was a villager, he would have called him a God.
SO TRAGICALLY PASSIVE! This is the most powerful man Genjo's ever met. Don't wimp out on us! You were doing great describing Seymore, only to cheat us by saying this guy's godlike. HOW IS THIS GUY GODLIKE? WHAT MAKES HIM DIFFERENT FROM GENJO?

SubZero61992
September 27th, 2004, 01:04 PM
Okay, I am takign your replies seriously, but strangely I have never thought about what it means to be 'passive'.
Can you advise me?

SubZero61992
September 27th, 2004, 01:17 PM
Not too bad...

The only thing that I can nitpick is the usage of ice. Even if you had the resources, why make handcuffs of ice?


Ice is my favorite element and in almost every single one of my stories someone is going to have the Ice culture.

Holbrook
September 27th, 2004, 01:40 PM
Okay, I am takign your replies seriously, but strangely I have never thought about what it means to be 'passive'.
Can you advise me?

Have a look here subzero, it is a bit of an English lesson I am afraid...

http://www.asu.edu/duas/wcenter/passive.html

SubZero61992
September 27th, 2004, 01:43 PM
I read that.
I have a view for what it means but still that would be sometihng I would look for after I had completed a story.

nicba
September 27th, 2004, 07:00 PM
Great link, Holbrook. Thanks!

I, too, has often been advised that I write too much in passive voice. I tried, once, to find help in an online version of "The Elements of Style" but, unfortunately, my school days are too long gone and I can no longer remember most of my English gramar rules. So that proved to be much more confusing than helpful.

Your article, by contrast, is short and to the point. It even contains a helpful excercise I can try out on one of my old stories! :)

...And about your story SubZero: It's a bit hard really to care about Genjo and his friends, given that we know next to nothing about them. But of course that is to be expected since the first half of the story isn't written yet. Then, too, Genjo himself doesn't seem too worried about being captured by these snowmen.


The ice walls surrounding him were so thick it was like looking into a mirror, a very uncomfortable feeling for Genjo.

Is Genjo very ugly?


he couldn't help not to think about what had happened to his friends

Huh? Did he think about his friends or not? Why not "...he couldn't help thinking about..." or "Genjo thought about..."


That would alone be a good reason to execute her.

I don't quite understand. Is he woried about the snowmen executing her, or does he want to execute her himself? Is she a friend or an enemy?


They both pulled a trumpet from their belt and sounded a royal tune.

A royal tune? How is a royal tune different from any ordinary tune?


Seymour's face was hidden under a red face mask, often used for hiding in shadows, but strangely it was bright red.

You mentioned that the mask was red twice. No need to repeat yourself, I think.


...Genjo felt an uneasy feeling...

That sounded a bit strange to me. Of course he felt the feeling, what else should he do with it? :) I think what you was trying to say was that "...Genjo got an uneasy feeling as..."

Overall, as I said, it's a little hard to really appreciate the bit of story. It is so much and so obviously out of context. I didn't see the original version but from the bits in Expendable's post, it seems as if the writing has has already improved quite a bit. And it is an interesting setting. So just polish it and push on with the story.

Expendable
September 27th, 2004, 11:02 PM
SubZero's very bad about leaving the original behind for contrasting.


He noticed how spheres of ice hung on the walls and lit the long hall to the throne room.

"He noticed" is passive. Drop the "He noticed how" from the line. What colors are they? How brilliant? You're in a hallway with polished ice creating reflections! It should be very bright, like noon on a glacier. So bright it burns your eyes.

SubZero, I want you to think for a moment. This castle belongs to a dark lord only that doesn't get mentioned until halfway down the page.

Imagine how you'd feel being dragged into a dark lord's presence. Show us colors! Show us smells and feelings! Show us fear!


As he was dragged through the hall he couldn't help not to think about what had happened to his friends. But his main focus was the bite Naomi had received from the vampires in the Dead Town. That would alone be a good reason to execute her.

The first line should be replaced. Name his friends! David! Charles! Were they alive or dead? And what of Naomi and her vampire bite?


They both pulled a trumpet from their belt and sounded a royal tune.

Does he only have the two guards? C'mon! If this is a grand hall with court in session, why aren't there guards every five-ten feet? Why aren't there men with trumpets ready to sound a fanfare at the wall? You want fanfare rather than 'a royal tune'.


Slowly and ground shakingly, the wall rolled inside the halls walls and revealed Seymour's throne room.
This is a wall sliding open magestically! Rework this description to catch how grand this is! How does it sound when the walls slide open?

Is Seymore alone in his hall? Why?



Genjo was led by stone cold hands into the ice sculpted castle of Seymour.
He could barely keep his pace on the slick ice floor but Seymour's Royal Guards acted like they were walking on rock.
The ice walls surrounding him were so thick it was like looking into a mirror, a very uncomfortable feeling for Genjo.
He noticed how spheres of ice hung on the walls and lit the long hall to the throne room.
His wrist burned as the rope rubbed his skin raw.
As he was dragged through the hall he couldn't help not to think about what had happened to his friends. But his main focus was the bite Naomi had received from the vampires in the Dead Town. That would alone be a good reason to execute her.
He had heard of this castle before, but most people described it as being owned by a dark Lord. But not one thing he had seen so far, reminded Genjo of anything dark.
He lifted his head slightly and saw an end to the hall.
The Guards sat Genjo down on the ground and walked to the wall that seemed to have shut the hall off from going any further.
They both pulled a trumpet from their belt and sounded a royal tune.
Slowly and ground shakingly, the wall rolled inside the halls walls and revealed Seymour's throne room.
The guards lifted Genjo up and walked him inside. Seymour's face was hidden under a red face mask, often used for hiding in shadows, but strangely it was bright red.
His armor was brigth red too and partly hidden under his purple cloak and cape. On his belt was a silver sword in a diamond sheath. His hair was as silver as the ice walls surrounding him and his eyes the same.
Genjo felt an uneasy feeling as Seymour's eyes pierced his own.

Expendable
September 28th, 2004, 06:03 PM
I had a thought - why are the guards announcing Genjo? Normally you don't hold a full court for talking to a prisoner, especially one of low rank. Save the fancy pomp for the nobles and royals.

It's not unusual for such interviews to take place with the prisoner bound to a table among instruments of torture. But if the guy's nice, he might only take him to a private room for conversation.