[SubZero61992]

Note: This is not my work.
I do not intend on stealing this start or selling it.
This information come from the website MartialArtsGear.com



The night was cold and dark. A slow and steady wind pushed absent mindedly against the straw and mud hovel where he stopped for a meal. His eyes were alert, but he met no man's gaze as he quietly slurped his rice broth. It was salty and hot and the steam warmed his reddened nose. He sat there quietly thinking about what he would do next.

The serving girl brought him a bowl of plain riceand several side dishes: squid, pickled roots, spiced pork, several soy bean pods, anchovies, andsesame spinach.

The man almost lost his cool demeanor as he started to nimbly pick up morsels and shove them into his mouth.

As soon as he noticed that he was drawing attention from the serving girl, he stopped, nodded,and continued eating (more slowly this time). Aslight smile broke his seriousness and he continuedeating and thinking, without looking up.

[Expendable]

Is this from http://www.ninja-weapons.com/stories/never_ending_story.shtml?

Its a good start. You get an immediate feel for the guy - he's hungry. Nothing passive, its all action. It sets the scene and the mood very effectively.

[Rocket Sheep]

It's lousy. Did someone sit down and think, right I'll open my story by talking about the weather, attributing a human condition to it and then start talking about someone I can't even be bothered to name who doesn't know what he wants to do next but the reader will enjoy watching him sit around eating and thinking and smiling and almost losing a cool demeanour they didn't know he had for no apparent reason?

Big fat YAWN!

And I mean that in the most constructive way. :D

Oh yeah, I haven't said anything constructive. Bad sheepie! Well, I'm all for using the weather as a mood thing but attributing it a human condition before the reader has found a character to settle on is annoying. The character needs a name. He needs a problem, a conflict, some sort of threat, some sort of personality rather than that of the silent thinker so the reader is going to empathise with him. After I read that paragraph, I hope the next starts with a golem staggering in the door and stabbing him to death with a lamp post. I don't care for him. He smiles and loses his cool for no reason. He didn't thank the serving girl, he eats with his fingers, he has a red nose and may be an alcoholic. Nothing about him interests me.

[Expendable]

It's lousy. Did someone sit down and think, right I'll open my story by talking about the weather, attributing a human condition to it and then start talking about someone I can't even be bothered to name who doesn't know what he wants to do next but the reader will enjoy watching him sit around eating and thinking and smiling and almost losing a cool demeanour they didn't know he had for no apparent reason?

.....Nothing about him interests me.

You didn't follow the link, did you? ;) That would have explained everything.

[Rocket Sheep]

Oh good, the serving girl wants to kill him too! :D

I maintain it is a lousy opening paragraph even for a hobby writer.

It is fun to write collaborative stories like that tho.

[Expendable]

It is fun to write collaborative stories like that tho.

Yes. You almost never know what to expect, kinda fun. But the ones I do start with more.

[SubZero61992]

Is this from http://www.ninja-weapons.com/stories/never_ending_story.shtml?

Its a good start. You get an immediate feel for the guy - he's hungry. Nothing passive, its all action. It sets the scene and the mood very effectively.


Yes, MAG links to it.

[Expendable]

Its a start - but just barely. It really needs a bit more to help bring it to life. Like a name for the guy and what he's doing there, as Rocket Sheep said. It needs more to sustain interest.