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Crow
October 1st, 2004, 05:36 PM
There once was a man named Ted, who had an excellent and most bodacious adventure, brah.

Crow
October 1st, 2004, 05:37 PM
And then there was a person named Bill, he ate cheese.

Crow
October 1st, 2004, 05:38 PM
Why did Bill eat cheese, you ask? He was a riploanthesuci, thus he needed it to survive and get gas out of his colon.

SubZero61992
October 1st, 2004, 05:56 PM
Welcome to the forums, Talan, I am the only 12- year- old on this site I think.

My advice for your first post is short-


It is really good.
It doesn't seem like a prologue but I think it will pass.

That is about all for the first post.

Crow
October 1st, 2004, 06:07 PM
Thanks. It is a prologue though, because it shows what happened to Jack, and how he became one of "The Forgotten". The first chapter is going to take place when he's thirteen, and it won't have too much to do with the prologue, besides that it includes Jack.

Oh, I'm 16 by the way, there's probably quite a few 16-year-olds here.

SubZero61992
October 1st, 2004, 06:08 PM
For Post 2


Still on the right track to me, Near the end though you said, he was nearly a man grown."

It is better I think to have it ' Grown Man '

And the part where the Father talks to Jack about eavesdropping, all he says is, " Son, you're right. The information is very valuable?"

Thats all? They're is no shock?

And the cursing is too much in just one section of the prologue.
Cut all of that crap out of the prologue.
Maybe a two or three but no reason for eight or nine.

Don't think I am telling you what to write though.
It is your story.

Crow
October 1st, 2004, 06:10 PM
Hehe, I think I do need to work on the interaction with he and his dad. Also, the cussing is generally by one character, and he's got a potty mouth I guess.

SubZero61992
October 1st, 2004, 06:18 PM
Post 3


Okay, still pretty good. You need to work with your writing language though, hehe, unless thats the way you want it.

But nothing much seemed wrong about this post.

Good luck on the book.

SubZero61992
October 6th, 2004, 06:26 PM
Why did you delete all of the prologues?