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SubZero61992
October 6th, 2004, 06:21 PM
This is a prologue, and from what I have learned they don't need much description. But correct me if I am wrong.
Oh, and I don't think this breaks the 1,000 word limit thing.


Prologue


" Mobanohol! Your time has come! Throw down your weapons or you will die a most painful death!" shouted the evil King Devish along with his army of black armored warrior
His black armor covered every where but his ugly, scarred face.
The thirteen year old Genjo hid in a tree, praying that the caramel colored armor won this war.
He watched his Father standing in the first battalion, he along with two-hundred other swordsman certain they would die with honor.
Genjo couldn't understand that determination.
He certainly wouldn't want to die purposely. He didn't even want to die at all.
While thinking his thoughts were interupted by a sudden loud ' twang ' and a gust of wind rippled Genjo's brown hair.
He looked up and saw what looked like a million thin insects flying through the air. Then with lightning speed they shot straight down with a ' sip ' sound.
Now he knew what they were. A rain of arrows.
Warriors raised their shields and deflected them while others screamed as the arrows pierced them. Genjo turned his head as an arrow penetrated an eye of a warrior.
Then the army Genjo supported raised their bows and shot an mirrior image.
King Devish's face didn't change a bit as an arrow pierced his exposed hand.
Without looking he pulled it out. Genjo stared in amazement. Not even a flinch!
Genjo's King, King Mobanohol, pointed his sword forward, and immediately Genjo's Father's battalion charged forward, as did King Devish's.
Not following war rules, King Devish sent the rest of his army to attack.
Knowing it would be crazy to not send more warriors, King Mobanohol sent the rest of his army too.
For hours the battle raged on.
Genjo had lost count of his Father's near deaths. But like he had always told Genjo, " If you go in a battle determined to come back home, you will die. If you go to battle and are determined to die by honor, you will come home.".
Genjo would always remember them words.
Genjo had begun to doze off when his eye caught a sword slash his Father across the chest.
Grasping his chest, his Father decapitated the warrior.
Genjo knew it had begun. His Father's life was ticking off every second, then he fell.
Soon, their was only one color standing, very few at that.
Sadly, it wasn't caramel.
He nearly fell out of the tree he was in as astonishment took over his head.
Grasping a limb he remained standing.
King Devish still stood. His red eyes seemed to burst with evil.
" VICTORY!" he roared, and his remaining army along with him.
Slowly they moved over the hills and were gone.
Genjo jumped out of the tree, twisting his ankle in the process.
He limped to where he remembered his Father falling and swam through countless dead warriors.
It was a gruesome sight that Genjo would never forget.
At the bottom lay his Father.
Genjo managed to pull him above all other dead and he cradled the not yet dead person.
As a tear fell on his Fathers forheard, he heard a gasp.
Genjo fell backwards in surpise. He looked at his Father who was looking at him with his head raised.
" S- Son, when I pass over, releive me of my possessions. You have become, become, become me." his Father said the words and then blood poured out of his mouth and he fell dead.
Genjo shook his head. Then he shook his Father. Nothing.
Pounding on his Father's chest he sobbed. After hours he stood up and turned to walk away when the words 'become me' floated though his mind.
Turning around he looked at the armor his Father possesed.
Slowly he kneeled before it. With a swift motion of his arms, Genjo prayed.
Then he rolled his Father on his stomach, and untied the thick laces that held his armor together.
After removing the armor, Genjo removed his Father's robes, and placed his arms firmly through their sleeves.
They were just right. One foot from the ground.
Only one thing was wrong. A slash mark through the chest area. Ignoring it, he tied together the robes. Then the armor.
He really had become his Father.
Feeling the armor was too light, Genjo looked as his belt. The sword was missing. Digging to wear he had found his Father, he found the sword beside the sheath. He picked both of them up and wiped the blood off the sword with some warrior's hair.
Then sheathing the razor sharp blade, he fastened it to his belt.
Genjo dragged his fingers across the scratched bown armor and his swords hilt.
He seemed to have forgotten the pain in his ankle. It must not have been that bad.
Slowly he walked away from the battlefield and followed the dirt road that led to the ruins of his old town.
Upon entering the wooden gates, a brown dog limped towards him. Genjo wasted no time in kneeling to observe it.
It had apparently fractued its leg, or had it fractured by an iron club. He lifted the dog and walked towards the blacksmiths shop.
It had been scortched. But the forging materials had remained the same.
He laid the dog on the ground outside and over where a hump remained as a door, stepped inside the blacksmith's shop.
His skeleton lay smoking on the floor. Even the forging materials smoked.
He spent three days repairing his armor, sharpening his sword, and sewing his robes to perfect quality.
He took several trips to the river to get water for the dog and himself. The dog plainly called Genjo his new master and Genjo called it one of his own.
A week later they walked out of the town and Genjo started a new life, a life of revenge, sorrow, obstacles, and living a life searching for King Devish.

Expendable
October 6th, 2004, 10:25 PM
Its not bad. It needs tightening and gone over for spelling mistakes, of which there are several.

Warriors raised their shields and deflected them while others were killed upon impact. Hundreds of warriors fell to their death.
This needs work. Is there a clift these guys fell over while being shot at? What does it sound like to hear a flight of arrows? Did anyone scream or did they all just fall over silently? Was there any blood?


Then the army Genjo supported raised their bows and shot an mirrior image of the rain of arrows.
You've already called it a rain of arrows once, don't repeat it. How does Genjo support his father's army? Were there holes in the ranks of the bowmen?


Genjo had begun to doze off when his eye caught a sword slash his Father across the chest.
Grasping his chest, his Father killed the warrior.
Genjo knew it had begun. His Father's life was ticking off every second, then he fell.
Soon, their was only one color standing, very few at that.
Sadly, it wasn't Genjo's color.
How did his father kill the man who just slashed him? Stab? Overarm stab? This is your main character's father, a mighty warrior! Only another mighty warrior could possibly stand against much less kill his father.

BTW, what are the colors of the two armies?

SubZero61992
October 7th, 2004, 07:49 AM
This goes with the expanding thing I had.

Expendable
October 7th, 2004, 11:35 AM
You're working fast. Do me a favor and check your spelling. Or I'm going to post a huge list. ;)


Genjo had lost count of his Father's near deaths. But like he had always told Genjo, " If you go in a battle determined to come back home, you will die. If you go to battle and are determined to die by honor, you will come home.".
Genjo would always remember them words.
You're telling us here and you were sooo good at showing the battle. Here you could have had shown us Genjo acting as his father's squire, holding his father's sword and sheild perhaps. Then with the battle about to start, have his father deliver the words to his son, son saying he'd remember, then off to climb up in a tree to watch. Oh - btw, its 'always remember these words' not 'them words'. And about that....


It was a gruesome sight that Genjo would never forget.
Personally I think this is better for flashbacks later in your story, rather than saying he'd never forget. But think about it - he's remembering his father lying dead under a pile of bodies. And everyone he's going to fight, he's going to remember they have familes too. Isn't this going to cause him massive amounts of guilt knowing that when he kills them, he's depriving some family of a father or of a son? But this is really something you can decide.


Not following war rules, King Devish sent the rest of his army to attack.
Knowing it would be crazy to not send more warriors, King Mobanohol sent the rest of his army too. What rules are he breaking? What does it look like when the rest of the army attacks? What does King Mobanohol say and do when he sees all of Devish's army attacking?


Genjo managed to pull him above all other dead and he cradled the not yet dead person.
As a tear fell on his Fathers forheard, he heard a gasp.
Genjo fell backwards in surpise. He looked at his Father who was looking at him with his head raised.
I'm guessing Genjo doesn't know his father's not yet dead. Why not simply say Genjo pulled his father's body out and cradled the head in his lap or whatever? Bigger response for the reader.

And its not necessary to capitalize Father all the time.

It sounds like after the battle, Genjo loots his father's corpse and leaves it lying there among the other dead bodies. If his father's so important to him, why doesn't he bury or cremate or otherwise do something with his father's body?


Then sheathing the razor sharp blade, he fastened it to his belt. How sharp is it going to be after battle? Wasn't the blade nicked at all? Its more important that its his father's sword he's sheathing. He can sharpen it later in the smithy.


He seemed to have forgotten the pain in his ankle. Very passive. The pain can become less important, or he can ignore it. Don't give us "he seemed to have forgotten". And he can still limp.


His skeleton lay smoking on the floor. It it was hot enough to reduce the blacksmith to a skeleton, it was hot enough to hurt the tools in the smithy. More likely he's left his charred remains on the floor.


Genjo started a new life, a life of revenge, sorrow, obstacles, and living a life searching for King Devish.
You're telling us again - and spoiling the story. You should show us Genjo putting on his father's patched and repaired armor, then as he's leaving the village, look back and swear revenge on King Devish.

It is better to SHOW us what Genjo's doing than to TELL us. Actions speak louder than words.

This prologue isn't suppose to tell us what he's going to do and face, its suppose to show us a pivital moment in Genjo's life. The rest of the story is suppose to show us his life of obsession searching for King Devish (although how hard can he be to find?), the sorrows, trials and obstacles he encounters while he's trying to satisify his need for revenge.

BTW - I wasn't kidding about the spelling mistakes. I will list them all! bwhahahahahaha ;)

SubZero61992
October 7th, 2004, 06:19 PM
Hahaha,

I know where the mistakes are.
I just don't want to take time to fix them right now.
Mistakes come after finishing a chosen point.
I will be atleast to chapter 6 when I go back and read for mistakes, and if this is published, which it probably not be, the editors will fix any errors I overlooked.


And I agree with everything you have said.

Oh, and the leaving his Fathers body behind, that just might be in the religion of the warriors of his kind.

Expendable
October 7th, 2004, 07:40 PM
If he was a Buddist, I can see how your father would be cut up and fed to vultures, then have his bones ground to make sand for sand drawings. But I don't know of any religion that just leaves a body lying there.

Merancapeman
October 8th, 2004, 06:21 AM
Expendable, I think you're a very good editor. He's right, you know. What really confused me at one point was the section in the beggining where you talk about the armies. Where are these armies standing? To start out, it is more simpler to build a standing ground. I look at writing almost like 3D production, as in the Lord of the Rings. You can start out with making the character if you really have a need to, but otherwise it is best to start ground up, I find. Maybe even have an empty land and then have the warriors marching across. If not, then describe what Genjo can see, and I mean every aspect. Maybe not every grain of sand, but enough to say that this is a gruesome scene. I learned a lot about writing, not by just reading, but watching movies! Yes, watching movies DOES help. Ligthing can totally change a mood, as well as sound.
Are there war drums?
Spice up the scene with elaborate imagination, maybe even add thunder if you have to. Rain makes a scene dreary and it is a sign of death and destruction, that is, in several peoples point of view. Sub, I think you have just as much potential as I do, and I recommend you continue to write. The best thing to find in a writer is the juice to continue on, the endurance to write no matter how bad you think it is or what other people say. John Morressy, a writer I know, told me, "Work with what you know about, don't jump headlong into a subject that you haven't even studied", so, the more you learn, the better writer you are! I'm dead serious, and I know that, whatever it takes, you can do it!

P.S. Correct mistakes wherever you find them, no matter what time it is. Chances are that serious editing will take place, and if you go too far without editing, you might find yourself in a sticky situation when you turn around and say, "Wait! That shouldn't happen!". Trust me, I wrote 100 pages of a book. When I looked back it was so horrible and dotted with grammar mistakes as well as plain old subject mistakes (E.g. in one sentance it wrote "It was nice and sunny" the next paragraph would say, "It is dark and dreary") I had to throw the whole book away. It will save you a lot of trouble if you start editing as soon as you get about 20-30 pages. I am writing a book now, and it is at 50 pages. I originally ended at 45, but when I turned back and edited I came up with a lot of extra pages. It saves time and helps your writing. Believe me, please, when you get far and more experienced, you'll be spending more time editing than writing the story itself. If you send it in to an editor they will send it back to you a million times before they call it publishable. Might as well make it easier on yourself and edit, edit, edit. :p

By the way, do NOT throw away good ideas. Keep them for future reference. :o

Expendable
October 8th, 2004, 11:22 AM
Thank you Merancapeman. :)

SubZero, its very important to be descriptive. The more detail you add to your story, the more it will grab your reader's attention. But you don't want to do too much and overwealm them.

Your stories have been very thin on details. That's what I've been trying to coax out of you.

I've said this in another post, but I'll say it again here. Your prologue is actually a very short story and its job is to introduce the reader to Genjo by showing the reader an important event in Genjo's life -the death of Genjo's father and the start of his quest.

But now that I think about it, your prologue has a serious flaw - why is Genjo going after King Dervish?

To avenge his father? Why? As a warrior, Genjo's father probably expected to die in battle. If that is part of some religious cult of warriors, then there was no higher honor than for his father to die in battle.

King Dervish led the winning army, sure. But it wasn't Dervish who personally killed Genjo's father. Genjo's father decapitated the man who killed him. And we've no idea what happened to the village except for a fire at the blacksmith's and a dog with a broken paw.

So why does Genjo devote his life for revenge against King Dervish?

SubZero61992
October 8th, 2004, 09:40 PM
Nice point, I dont think i am going to use a prologue now, I think I will just start with chapter one from now on to put more detail into what i do.

Expendable
October 9th, 2004, 12:13 AM
>.<;

You can still use it! Just take out the whole swearing of revenge part or come up with a good reason for Genjo to swear vengence against this king.

*sigh*
-Ex.