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lil_g11092005
October 12th, 2004, 03:12 PM
One Day
One Day I lost my heart my soul
...As percious as a pot of gold

One Day I lost my peace and soul
...Who one I once cherished as a childhood toy

One Day I lost my willl to live
...And you told me I had so much to give

One Day I lost my dazzling smile
...I'd look for it on the longest mile

One Day I lost my hope and dreams
...You help me relize what life really means

One Day I lost my priceless treasure
...One Day I love without measure

One Day I lost my sunshine for those cloudy days
...It shone upon me brightly, with it's sparkling rays

One Day I realized that angels
...That was the day I found you

By Lil G

SubZero61992
October 12th, 2004, 03:59 PM
One day I realized that angels
That was the day I found you?

You need to work on that, One Day I realized that angels doesn't sound complete.

Rest is good to me.

Expendable
October 12th, 2004, 03:59 PM
One Day
One Day I lost my heart my soul
...As percious as a pot of gold

One Day I lost my peace and soul
...Who one I once cherished as a childhood toy

One Day I lost my willl to live
...And you told me I had so much to give

One Day I lost my dazzling smile
...I'd look for it on the longest mile

One Day I lost my hope and dreams
...You help me relize what life really means

One Day I lost my priceless treasure
...One Day I love without measure

One Day I lost my sunshine for those cloudy days
...It shone upon me brightly, with it's sparkling rays

One Day I realized that angels
...That was the day I found you

By Lil G

A nice poem, but...
percious - precious

'Who one' or 'To one'?

relize - realize

'I realized that angels' - that angels what?

lil_g11092005
October 12th, 2004, 04:57 PM
so u like my one day peom.i just start writing peoms as a hobby.
would u help me out.in editing my peoms.i'm new to this.

SubZero61992
October 12th, 2004, 05:00 PM
I can give it a try.
I wrote one poem but it was kinda fast, it took three minutes.
I think you can correct your spelling with what Expendable gave you.

I will try to help with One Day I realized that Angels
That was the day I found you

You know by now that the first line is incomplete.
Here is some of my suggestions.
One Day I realized that Angels are true
That was the day I found you

That is my advice, but you're the author and it is your choice.
I hope that helps!

SubZero61992
October 12th, 2004, 05:02 PM
The second part ( cant remember what you call it, is it Stanze?) doesnt ryhme.

That is not a problem!
You may already know this but poems don't have to ryhme!

lil_g11092005
October 12th, 2004, 05:09 PM
ohh what the problem at the end of my one day peom i couldn't remember what the last word was.the last word was true.i got it on paper in my folder i had to go take a look at it.

Expendable
October 12th, 2004, 06:12 PM
One Day I lost my peace and soul
...Who one I once cherished as a childhood toy

'Who I once cherished' I think would work better, but its your poem.

Why not go to the Community (http://www.sffworld.com/community/) section and set yourself up there? You can enter your poems and just paste a link to them over here in the Writer's board and we can take a look at them. Plus you can see everybody else's poems and stories.

To make links in here, just click on the globe icon in the new message window, enter your poem's name, then in the next window where it says http: paste in the url for it.

Dawnstorm
October 13th, 2004, 12:38 PM
would u help me out.in editing my peoms.i'm new to this.

Why not? :D I like poems...


One Day I lost my heart my soul
...As percious as a pot of gold

Good beginning. This one sets the expectations:

Couplets (two line units). Rhymes (or near rhymes... gold - soul). iambic tetrameter. (Iamb: one DAY I LOST my HEART of GOLD - tetrameter: four stresses day, lost, heart, gold...).

The first to lines set the expectations for the rest of the poem.


One Day I lost my peace and soul
...Who one I once cherished as a childhood toy

The first line repeats the above pattern, but the second line's too long. Of course, it's okay to deviate (for example, it doesn't matter one bit that you haven't got a rhyme here). But does the excessive length of the line accomplish anything?

I'd prefer the second line to read:

Who once I cherished...

(Similar to Ex's suggestion, but putting the emphasis on "once" instead of "I".)

Formally, the line's still too long, but the rhythmic expectations you set with the first couplet will have me hurry through "-ished as a" as if it was one syllable. That should work.

In the couplets that follow, the form you've established dissolves more and more, but you know what, it works!

One thing, though: "realized" is a pretty difficult word to use effectively in a poem. You can read it as "re-a-lized" (taking up two stresses) or as "re-lized" (taking up one stress). The latter is sloppy pronunciation, but quite frequently required if you don't want to disturb the flow of the language.

You may want to go through your poem again, and look at stress. (But don't even out all oddities, this'd make a nursery rhyme out of your poem... ;) ). It's just that rhythm often helps you detect words that don't really add to the effect you achieve:


One Day I lost my hope and dreams
...You help me relize what life really means

For example, "really" here is out of rhythm, and you've already got "realize", so a reader (here: one who attempts to read out loud) might stumble over his tongue reading that. On the other hand, deleting the "really" totally messes up the flow, putting two stresses beside each other: "life" and "means"

The 17th/18th century solution would have been:

...Thou helpst me see what life doth mean

But that's probably not what you want. :cool:

As Ex says, it's your poem. You'll know what's good for it.

Hope I made any sense. Keep writing.

:)