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Nefron
October 15th, 2004, 03:01 PM
OOC: if im posting this in the wrong place please PM me....



09/22/04

About A Crow
By: Christopher O’Keefe
As your walking along a muddy path, the fall rains and wind lightly brush against your long coat; the sun barely piercing through the clouds. As your walking you notice one of the only animals left in this world, surrounded by the little beauty in nature there once was<before the invasion>, a crow; feeding upon what seems to be a human corpse, you also see its pretty black glossy feathers shimmering in the sunlight, also you happen to see its large feet scratching and tearing away at the corpse……. It looks at you, “kaa-ka” it blurts out as it sees you, you are startled by this only for the reason that all you have heard for the last few years is the explosions and gun fire of battles and the dieing screams of you fellow soldiers at night. The bird disregards you and goes back to its meal, as it eats you see the way it feeds taking little bites at a time but also putting some meat in a near by shrub <thinking to yourself, This bird must be getting ready for the on coming winter> its making a cache of food,:! There’s an explosion!: “Come on sgt get you’re a** moving, were being attacked!” your C.O. screams at you.
As your running to the front lines you look back wanting to catch a glimpse of the crow one last time, you see it lying there upon the human corpse <dead>, a tear runs down your face, only thinking that that might be the last thing you’ll ever see that was beautiful and realizing what it symbolized why and what you were fighting for……….one thing pass’s through your head <For Earth>, you scream this as you run into the tattered battle field of what was once the city of Moscow. >>>>>To Be Continued

: THE END:


OOC: is this ok work, pluss the reader is suposed to be the character....

SubZero61992
October 15th, 2004, 03:21 PM
I suppose, if it were for a homeless play.
But most people wouldn't like it in my opinion.

TheEarCollector
October 15th, 2004, 05:14 PM
Alright the second-person is... different. I don't know if I love it or hate it yet, but I don't know how long I could put up with it.
You're... YOU ARE, not your. I can't stress that enough.
"sgt" means sergeant I am assuming, you should spell out the rank unless you are putting a name after it. C.O. technically means commanding officer, but that is usually at the head of a regiment or battalion (he is an infantryman from what I can tell) not the platoon commander, or PC.
I think you are trying to feed us too much information instead of just letting it come to pass later one (The "for earth" statement in particular).
If shells start dropping around you, the last thing you worry about (as a PC) is to tell your sergeants to start moving... he is at LEAST an E-5 so he knows what he is doing... maybe you need to make him a private and have his squad leader barking out orders.
I think you need to look into military protocol, I am not saying you should enlist but you should do research (not movies either)

Expendable
October 15th, 2004, 06:12 PM
You really need to talk to a soldier or a marine I think.