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SubZero61992
October 29th, 2004, 04:59 PM
I am getting kind of bored being the most posting person in this forum but I guess I am the one who is in need right now.

I made up a religious song for my Gargoyle race and I was wondering if it would be okay to keep.

Here is a little key to understand= Their= Gods
We'll= whoever sings the songs.
When- Often when someone is dying,

" Oh we'll wun through Their world, We'll run to our dreams.
Oh we'll wun through Their world, We'll run to our dreams."

Drakonslair
October 29th, 2004, 06:01 PM
Just a small thing but if you are giving them an accent i.e. Im assuming that wun is run then you should be consistent with it and use it through out their speech. So all 'r' should be pronounced as 'w' possibly to the level of changing dreams to dweams. This sort of speech os a good idea but I think needs consistancy.

Do you have a longer piece of the song? If that is all it needs more variation

SubZero61992
October 29th, 2004, 06:08 PM
Well I wrote as a Gargoyle cradled a dying gargoyle and together they sang the song until it died.

SubZero61992
October 29th, 2004, 06:10 PM
Heres a newer one that may sound better.

Oh we'll run through Their world, We'll run to our dreams.
Oh we'll run through Their world, We'll run to our dreams.
Nothing will bar our run
Oh we'll run to our dream

Drakonslair
October 29th, 2004, 06:15 PM
Just a suggestion. Im not a writer but when I read I have a tendancy to pick out inconsistancies even though I may not fully understand what they are

Apart from the first line I think maybe you should stick with a set number of syllables. Makes it run together better (pardon the pun)

Oh we'll run through Their world,
We'll run to our dreams.
None shall bar our run
we'll run to our dream

SubZero61992
October 29th, 2004, 06:21 PM
I like it.

Credits in your name.