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TheEarCollector
November 8th, 2004, 01:43 AM
Another post has the first bit of the story, tell me if you want me to send the whole thing it's around 8 pages (subject to minor adjustments up until you get it ;))

Long story short... Y2K happens and suburban neighborhoods turn into warring factions raiding each other for supplies. Enjoy.

Expendable
November 8th, 2004, 08:32 AM
TheEarCollector, I'm already in the middle of one story but I can read yours if its only 8 pages. Email me :)

The WHOLE 8 pages please!

-Ex.

TheEarCollector
November 8th, 2004, 09:57 AM
Hmmmm maybe I am being a newbie but I can't seem to get your e-mail address... blocked to the public. And it's too long for a PM.

Chris G.
November 8th, 2004, 06:55 PM
TheEarCollector, I'm already in the middle of one story but I can read yours if its only 8 pages. Email me :)

The WHOLE 8 pages please!

-Ex.


That wouldn't be my story, would it? :)

Drew
November 8th, 2004, 09:13 PM
I am interseted.

I'll PM you with my email address. ;)

Expendable
November 8th, 2004, 10:06 PM
Chris W., 800+ pages takes time to read. I just wish I could print them.

TheEarCollector, nice story, great twist. I feel sorry for Mr. Helpless.

Chris G.
November 9th, 2004, 03:43 PM
Put the whole thing into single space and that will knock down the pages for printing
:)

Drew
November 9th, 2004, 08:52 PM
Did you get my PM, EarCollector?

Drew
November 10th, 2004, 02:00 PM
Not bad at all...

I do notice a few things though...

1) You have left out a few articles (a, the, etc.) in some sentences. My mind filled in the blanks pretty well, but it caused me to break my pace which is something you don't want to do to the reader.

2) I know this is in first person, but you use the word "I" a lot. This seems hard to remedy with the story, but what I think would help is if you compounded some of your sentences. There were portios where it read like "I picked up a knife. I thrusted it into him. I walked down the hall. I..." and it just gets a bit nerve grinding. If you compound some of the sentences, I don't think it would be so direct and repetitive.

3) A good story though, and it makes me wonder what happens next. Now, I am not a short story fan in general as I want to see a cleary developed idea and a full story, but this leaves me wanting more, which I am sure was the goal.

Thumbs up!