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SubZero61992
November 14th, 2004, 07:38 PM
Foreword


After the defeat of King Monoabol's kingdom, anyone still alive were forced to be slaves.
They were moved to a mountain where demons and humans were being bred for war and weapons were constantly being forged.
The slaves were forced to cut down trees for fire, slaughter animals for meat, and sometimes they had to hand wash demons or humans.
Slaves who proved to do alot of work, were to be servants of King Fangolar. The only difference was they got to be in warm fortress walls.
Anyone who didn't do their part of work was executed or tortured to death.
If someone survived torture they were taken to a faraway place and left as food for the wild.
This was King Fangolar's kingdom.


I know it is short but it is just to tell where and how the slaves arrived where they are.

Expendable
November 14th, 2004, 07:56 PM
It's brief.

Tell you what. Write the rest of the story first, then come back and do the foreword.

--Ex.

Drakonslair
November 14th, 2004, 07:56 PM
Needs work there are some syntactical problems with it such as the start "anyone still alive were forced to be slaves", Id maybe change it to "those still living were . . ." or something. Id read the entire foreword out loud a couple of times. There are some places where it doesnt work.
You should avoid the use of "alot" as well. Never sounds right.

I think that you might be best to rewrite it completely though. The part describing the work the slaves do and those who survived torture being taken to a faraway place just doesnt work for me.

Sir Stephen
November 14th, 2004, 08:00 PM
Sounds good, but you could try, I dont know beefing up the language a little. Kind of make it sound a bit grander cut out some of the "ifs"


Slaves who proved to do alot of work, were to be servants of King Fangolar

maybe try something like....

Those King Fangola looked favourably upon became his personal servants.

Im guessing you mainly want to get across how bad these human slaves have it at the moment, so you dont have to go into specifics such as hand washing duties. Just using the words like slave, servitude (sp?), cruel etc implys a lot.

Also Fortresses are not normaly "warm", mostly just cold stone.

SubZero61992
November 14th, 2004, 08:05 PM
Thanks for the feed back.
I will write the stroy then come back like Expendable said.

By the way, to inform on my last writing, I burned it, I felt it had too many gaps.
( the burning was because I didnt want it to get to anyone.)

Drakonslair
November 14th, 2004, 08:17 PM
Thats a shame. You should have kept it. There is always time in the future to return and finish it. There were some good ideas in there.

SubZero61992
November 14th, 2004, 08:18 PM
Thats a shame. You should have kept it. There is always time in the future to return and finish it. There were some good ideas in there.

Trust me, them were new ideas mixed with the oldest.
they are still in my head, every night I would read over my chapters to find any holes.
I guess I found too many!