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Morton Clifford
November 16th, 2004, 12:00 PM
Greetings to everyone,

I have submitted a short story titled Dawn of the War King for review. I would very much appreciate something to feed upon so I can rewrite this work for finalization. I thank you for letting me on the site and your time. Thanks again.

Clifford Morton

Rob B
November 16th, 2004, 12:45 PM
Clifford's story can be found HERE (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/85p0.html)

ironchef texmex
November 16th, 2004, 07:38 PM
Hello Mort, welcome to the site. Not a bad story. Let's break it down a touch.

The best and worst: The good news is that you have the makings of a really nice little fantasy world. Everything from the description of magic and magicks to the names of the plants adds up to form an interesting backdrop for the story. The overall level of detail is good. My biggest complaint is the pacing. If I were you I would consider making a conscious effort in my next story to blur the pieces of my story into one another. Everything is compartmentalized. Each scene begins with a complete description of the characters and surrounding area, then some background info, then the physical events. Mix it up. You've got about three pages of infodump on the nature of the world before anything actually happens. Short stories have to cut to the chase. A lot of the description and history could be given in pieces while the action is getting under way. On the bright side, when the physical action is rolling it seems fairly effective. The last scene pulled me in emotionally.

Some minor points: A couple of times you mix past and present tenses in the same sentence. You have a few clunky infinitives -- "Solor began stepping across a small stream and laughed." "Solor stepped" would be fine. Also, there's a fairly high number of typos.

And as long as we're here: Some of your paragraphs are oddly constructed, places like the point where we're talking about the seasoning on the fish in one sentence, then bracing for a possible battle in the next should probably be split up. Also, a really picky editor would point out that roses are a spring bloom while your story takes place in the summer.

And finally, the I wish I wrote fantasy world building comment Of course you can fire back at the editor that A) this is a work of fantasy, so the roses in these parts could be in full bloom year round if you feel like making them so and B) if we were obeying all of the natural laws of the real world the roses wouldn't be on the vines anyway because the story is set in a binary solar system (twin stars) meaning that the combination of gravitational pulls would give the planet a highly elliptical orbit and the pretty petals would either be frozen solid or deep fried and every living thing would................. Okay..... sorry, that was just the jealousy talking. :o

Morton Clifford
November 17th, 2004, 09:04 AM
Thank you for the viewing,

I get clouded when reading my own material and I can't cover some items.

I will say that the roses were actually written in to see what would happen and because they are my wifes favorite flower. Your the first person to catch that part. I did chose to got the 'this is a fantasy world' route and break some enviromental laws.

Thank you again for the reading.

Cliff

SubZero61992
November 17th, 2004, 06:07 PM
I read little but from what I read I enjoyed it.

I couldn't finish it because I felt I should be reading my school books instead.

Morton Clifford
November 18th, 2004, 08:57 AM
Thank you for your time and showing the interest.

r,
Clifford Morton