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November 17th, 2004, 07:50 PM
Here is my first new chapter.....please tell me if it goes.

Chapter 1

It was a simple mistake anyone could have made.
" I baylave I well mack one mo' challenge!" he said swaying from side to side. The men all laughed out loud and some pointed and called him wasted. In his mind a voice was saying, " I challenge you!".
" Aight then!" Genjo drunkenly called. He took a cup of rum and counted to three, then he swung the cup to his lips and its contents splattered on gamblers who had been playing silently in a corner of the bar. The men were dressed in weather stained black robes, and slipped through their belts were short thug like swords. Most of them had a scowl on their face and when the rum ruined their cards they growled.
" Aye, sorry uglys of no where!" Genjo said. His eye lids were almost shut and he had a rather lost look on his face. In his brown hair was some sprinkled of rum.
Rum was even down the front of his cloak. His sword lay forgotten on his belt in its sheath.
All of the man stood and hung their heads looking at Genjo.
" Cut his tongue off!" they scowled at him. Each of them took out their swords and walked towards Genjo.
" No offense was intended!" Genjo shuddered. Everyone in the bar began to chant the word fight.
Genjo's drunk mind did what they said, and he drew his razor sharp, two handed sword.
He swung it around violently and by mistake struck the bar owners daughter.
Her shoulder gushed blood and she screamed as she fell on the floor in agony.
" You wasted bastard!" everyone shouted. Genjo shook his head and chuckled thinking this was a joke or a dream.
" Beat him!" shouted someone in the crowd. Genjo suddenly realized the seriousness.
He sheathed his sword and fought off the rums effect.
He bent down to aid the young girl he had slashed but dozens of hands grabbed him.
Feeling shamed he let them beat him all the way behind the bar where they got clubs and tried to kill him.
After a pattern of clubbings his right arm and leg was broken. When he coughed vomit made of blood poured from him and his many cuts pumped blood.
" He'll die soon, take him out to the forest and leave him for the wild." someone called. They dragged him by his broken arm into the forest that stood behind the bar and left him to be eaten.

November 17th, 2004, 07:51 PM
Any grammar errors may be many because this is freshly typed.

November 17th, 2004, 07:59 PM
Needs some more work. Read over it a couple of times I think.

As to the grammer there are a few places with problems. I am not sure if wasted is too modern or not. Also when you say someone hung their head then it usually is a mark of submission. Not sure if thug-like works either.

Also "Beat his bum" is just wrong.

Mainly Id just read it outloud to yourself a couple of times.

November 17th, 2004, 08:01 PM
Well, my mistake if I missed bum for the buttocks?
Or did I get the body part wrong?

November 17th, 2004, 08:05 PM
Here is something I am thinking about, what if I made this part the Prologue, because this chapter is just to explain how he got to where he is.

November 17th, 2004, 08:19 PM
The problem with say beat his bum/buttocks is that it wounds like he's is going to get spanked. :) Try a different expression.

Probably as Its pretty short it would work well as a prologue

November 17th, 2004, 08:21 PM
I see, I have changed it in the script above so maybe it sounds better now.
I used bum to make it more drunken like in the bar.

November 17th, 2004, 09:47 PM
Som consistency/logic ideas:
If he's so drunk he can barely talk how does he manage to blurt out "No offense was intended" wthout slurring
How big's the bar? does he have room to swing the sword around and only hit one person?
If he's swinging around a big two handed sword why wasn't the girl more seriously injured/maimed?
How come he has time to sheath his sword and kneel to help the girl before he's set upon? If everyone's angry surely they're going to attack him straight away.

November 21st, 2004, 12:23 AM
Ummm watch your adjectives... it seems like you are throwing too many in there for the sake of trying to sound like a good writer and not all of them are making sense. I mean, what exactly is a "thug like sword"?

November 21st, 2004, 09:08 PM
This being towards the opening of the book (or THE opening of the book if you make it a prologue) presents a key problem for me...

I want a prologue to introduce me to a main character and present the objective of the rest of the book...

So now I am expecting the book to be about a man who gets thrown in the woods battered and bruised. Doesn't sound to intriguing...

If I read this at my local bookstore, it would be going right back on the shelf...

But that's me! :p

To offer some constructive criticism, read it over a few times. It just doesn't really make sense and you don't go into any detail about him, the surroundings, or the girl he injured. It is very vague, and doesn't form a picture in my mind of what is going on.