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SubZero61992
December 3rd, 2004, 09:32 PM
This is another beginning I am thinking on.

Chapter 1

The crowd was loving it.
Genjo, with his two handed katana, had already dropped seven opponents from the arena.
Only five more! he though. He stood frozen to concentrate on their movements. By now they would have already made a decision to drop Genjo then finish the tournament.
Sweat rolled off of his foreheard. His icy blue eyes focused on the sandy ground below him. His brown hair was soaked to his head and he had already fought his way out of his cloak, black shirt, and now was wearing only pants, a black leather belt, and the black body armor he always wore.
" Ayay!" shouted one of the opposers running at him with a single-handed sword. Genjo darted his head sideways and swung his sword to block the blow. The man bounced backwards and stumbled over his own boots. Genjo resumed his position.
" Damnit!" the man shouted as he left the arena. The rules were if you fell down you were disqualified, simple and easy, and the winner got five hundred silver coins.
The crowd was in the high stands surround him. They roared like fierce Keloctas and every time Genjo dropped an opposing person the ground shook from their excited feet. Genjo heard the flowing of sand and he jumped around. A man with a flail was running at him, swinging the spiked ball fiercely around his head.
Genjo smirked. The man swung the flail straight at Genjo's head, but Genjo forseen it. He took his katana and let the flail's chain wrap around it. With a forceful tug, the flail was thrown through the air out the man's hand.
" Fall down." Genjo goaded. The crowd was roaring wildly. The man clumsily refused, and with a thrust of Genjo's katana he was thrown to the ground. The man cursed as he walked away.
Three more. he thought now. But they had teamed together now. They approached him in a rotationg triangular fashion. The three of them each had a single-handed sword held above the head. Genjo looked at his enviroment. Nothing but fine sand.
Sand!
The new weapon gave him a high hope. He held his sword in his right hand and began to spin around dragging the sword's edge on the ground. A spiral of sand blinded the opposers and before their vision was cleared Genjo had already charged and dropped them.
There was an uproar. The crowd stood up and began to jump down the stands and come to celebrate Genjo.
Genjo nodded his head in shock and lowered his sword. " ****." he muttered.
He sheathed his katana and ran tot he gates of the arena as the crowd charged for him from all sides.
As he ran he grabbed his shirt and cloak and when he reached the gates a hand barely missed his arm.
When he was outside the gate he hit the lock lever and the gate slammed down, keeping the crowd inside.
He swung his cloak and shirt over his shoulder and walked slowly away.
The arena owner greeted him and threw him a heavy puch full of coins.

TheEarCollector
December 3rd, 2004, 11:08 PM
By now they would have already made a decision to drop Genjo then finish the tournament.
I thought that was implied...


his cloak, black shirt, and now was wearing only pants, a black leather belt, and the black body armor he always wore
Perhaps a little too detailed, it starts to ramble on... I wouldn't go that deep into it all right there.


The rules were if you fell down you were disqualified, simple and easy
Alright I know you don't know this, but that is passive voice and just makes for ugly sentences. On top of that, it sounds like you are trying to hold the readers hand by coming out the the story and being so blunt. Try going into Genjo's mind and having him think about a way to get the guy on the floor so that he will be disqualified.


They roared like fierce Keloctas
From reading your other stuff, I have come to reason that a Kelocta is a tiger-like creature... I think. Anyways, this is the first page of your story so, maybe it would be better not to get TOO specific on something the reader doesn't know. That is just a suggestion though, maybe just say they roared like fierce beasts.

Put thoughts in quotes or italics and treat them like dialogue, it's not a separate sentence. End dialogue in a comma, not a period.


Genjo looked at his enviroment. Nothing but fine sand
Another example of where it feels too blunt what you are trying to tell us. Weave it into the story... mention his feet sinking into the sand and we will know there is sand instead of going, "Hey reader! There is sand here!"

I am confused at why the crowd is freaking out on him... The dialogue is unrealistic, think about how people actually talk to each other. Don't be afraid to say said, you don't have to break out a thesaurus every time someone says something.

I think the biggest weakness of this is the end... everything falls apart so fast, I don't understand what is going on. Is the crowd angry? Are they cheering? It seems odd that he runs out and locks the crowd in... Just having a hard time visualizing a lot of this.

SubZero61992
December 5th, 2004, 03:36 PM
The crowd would have tore him apart, he was the champion and won every fight and it got the crowd excited, so if they started coming towards him just to shake hands, then the shaking would turn into touching, and the touching making other people fight to touch.

Drew
December 5th, 2004, 04:51 PM
Just to add another comment about the ending...

Is there nothing to keep viewers out of the arena? There were no guards or fences, etc. stopping them from entering that easily?

What about locking the gate? Genjo could do this? There was not a gatekeeper or anything there to watch it?

Once again, I have to add... This is not giving us a taste of the story unless the rest of the story is about Genjo being a gladiator. Just remember that you want to set up the rest of the story or at least hint at it with the prologue/chapter one... this isn't doing it for me either.

Keep practicing though, it is getting better!

SubZero61992
December 5th, 2004, 05:13 PM
Just to add another comment about the ending...

Is there nothing to keep viewers out of the arena? There were no guards or fences, etc. stopping them from entering that easily?

Ever seen football games where the fans jump the walls and go crazy?
Well even the stadium had guards but none of them could stop the crowd if they tried.


What about locking the gate? Genjo could do this? There was not a gatekeeper or anything there to watch it?

Even if there was, do you think they would try to stop him?


Once again, I have to add... This is not giving us a taste of the story unless the rest of the story is about Genjo being a gladiator. Just remember that you want to set up the rest of the story or at least hint at it with the prologue/chapter one... this isn't doing it for me either.
Keep practicing though, it is getting better!

Wait, you mean the book First Knight is about a gladiator?
It has a similar beginning to mine but Lancelot ins't a gladiator.....

Drew
December 5th, 2004, 07:14 PM
1) I understand about the fans bleeding into the arena, but you should at least show that there is some resistance by guards.

2) Once again, you should show that there is someone there. Even the best gladiators of their time were not given free reign over the stadium.

3) Haven't read it, but I get the message. However, you must remember that a book about Lancelot was written many years ago, and since then, writing and readers have changed. If you could somehow release your book a few centuries ago, then this would be fine. But modern readers are spoiled and expect more.

Sorry to sound if I am bashing you, but here is my reasoning:

When I read a book, any book, I see it playing out in my head. I see the characters move and talk. I see thier faces and their clothing as if I am watching a movie. And I picture what I know, I don't let my mind fill in the blanks for me as I don't want to misinterpet and be confused later on. So when I pictured this fight, it was nice. Good writing there! But when I saw the fans flood, I didn't see any guards or a struggle-I saw fans jumping over the wall and flooding in. That sent up a red flag. Same for the gate. Red flag.

To be positive, you did introduce the character and his attitude with the beginning, which is always good. I just think that you should throw in some foreshadowing or something in there to hint at the rest of the book.

Perhaps you could tell us, or me (via email, if you like) what you want to happen next and what you want to happen in the rest of the book. Just generally and broadly.

Example: If Genjo is going to be hired by an assassination squad, then perhaps someone in the crowd pays special attention. Or whispers to his friend a comment. This would show us that there is something deeper going on and that this isn't just a random gladitorial (is that even a word!? :p) battle.

Get back to us!

I think it would be alright

SubZero61992
December 5th, 2004, 07:18 PM
Well, the plan for this beginning is, that he eventually joins a hunt for a manslayer ( that isnt originol in books is it?) but he comes to think he could defeat anyone, but once he fights the manslayer and some of his troops he realizes that this manslayer is going to be a challenge he has never been opposed to.


And for those who want to know what I am planning next, to introduce a new character that is a big part of Genjo's journey. Oh, and also to fill in why he is where he is and other things.

Erebus
December 5th, 2004, 08:42 PM
( that isnt originol in books is it?)

I assume you mean is your idea an original (not spelt originol btw) one - if so, then no, your story sounds like many others in that genre and doesn't really stand out to me as being an original idea, but as long as you aren't actually taking from another's work then I guess it will depend on how you develop your particular storyline that may set it apart from other books and tales that follow a similar theme.

An original idea is of course one that actually hasn't been used before in the same way that you are intending to develop it.

Hope this helps. :)

TheEarCollector
December 5th, 2004, 09:20 PM
Subzero, all I can say to you is that at the moment you are being too defensive to develop as a writer. Saying things like, "Ever seen football games where the fans jump the walls and go crazy?
Well even the stadium had guards but none of them could stop the crowd if they tried." and, "Even if there was, do you think they would try to stop him?" don't hold any relevance to what we are saying.

You make it sound like there isn't even a wall, these people run in there trying to kill him (I had no idea they were trying to congratulate him and then got angry with each other... if I have to ask then something is wrong) and then he runs away hitting a lever that drops a gate and is standing next to some guy who gives him coins? Not believable by far, and very clichéd.

First Knight doesn't start with Lancelot as a "gladiator" either. There is a big difference between putting on a show to display your skills, and fighting to the death. Gladiators fight to the death, Lancelot was making by doing oddjobs which just so happened to display his skill with a sword. The message isn't that he is a gladiator, it's that he is good with a sword... I am thinking you are trying to say this about Genjo but gladiator is more of a career path than a job. You don't do it for a month and then move onto something else.

SubZero61992
December 6th, 2004, 04:25 AM
Other then the arena, how is my story reffering to a gladiator?

And the coins was the prize money.
The Arena Owner greeted him and threw him a pouch of coins.