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Rira
December 8th, 2004, 09:13 PM
poem for english...just want to know how it sounds before my classmates read it. Please, tear it apart. im having issues with the last line in particular, so any advice would be priceless. Thanks!

A forest, mirrored into Eternity,
Blanketed in white
Wool that curls around rich pillars
Holding the ceiling with spindly branches
Dark against crisp,
Cold, cold blue.

Tendrils of song
Curl through and around
Accompanied by the tenor silver
Of the day moon.

Lonesome power settles here
Like standing in an empty church.

Wildeblood
December 8th, 2004, 09:51 PM
I like the last line, but, the metaphor breaks jarringly here:

Wool that curls around rich pillars
Holding the ceiling with spindly branches
And here:


Accompanied by the tenor silver
The spindly things aren't branches, because branches grow fom the top of tree trunks. The spindly things are whatever those things at the top of pillars are called. You need to find the right word to continue the metaphor.

As for "tenor silver", that's just weird. It mixes two different senses, an alledged effect of LSD abuse. Reads like an old Moody Blues effort from the 1960s:

"Hear the sound of a rainbow,
See the light of a sigh."

There's a proper word for that sensory crossover, too. Which word I also can't recall right now.

Rira
December 8th, 2004, 10:05 PM
thank you, very much.
I actually did that on purpose, the metaphor breaks and mixing senses. im glad you could understand anyway what i was trying to say. thats what i was going for. a combination of senses at once.....it doesnt really make sense, but you can understand it. Anyway, im a weird person. But thank you alot.

MrBF1V3
December 9th, 2004, 12:37 AM
Hey, I liked it, but let me see if I can make a constructive suggestion or two.

You mentioned in particular the last line:




Lonesome power settles here
Like standing in an empty church.

I like the image, it speaks to something most can ident with, I think the improvement you can make is with the cadence, not the idea/image. The other sections end with a short statment, (ie "Cold, cold blue" and "of the day moon") Perhaps you should try an ending with a short definite image. Try to keep the strong words like Lonesome and empty, or something equal to them.

Also, in the first section, fourth line (I think) the word "ceiling" can be problematic, it distracts from the image, I tend to stop right there and think, "but there is no ceiling here."--maybe that's what you wanted, but be definite. Make sure you lead the reader where you want him/her to go. Maybe qualify the ceiling, with whatever attribute paints it in sharp relief to what mere mortals like me think when we say ceiling. (Azure ceiling . . . airy ceiling . . . or something really good. :rolleyes: )

Hope this is helpful, thanks for sharing.
B5

SubZero61992
December 9th, 2004, 05:20 AM
It is a short but okay poem.
It is not something that I would keep to read later but it is still good for school. I see one problem however with the fact that it is for school, isn't the poem too short?

BTW, does this go with the book Hatchet?

Rira
December 9th, 2004, 04:12 PM
Thanks eveyone, lotsa help. Nope, it does not go with hatchet. And our teacher actually asked us to write a ten line poem. I dont know why. maybe cause he has so many to read?
thanks for the suggestions, i'll play with it a bit more tonight to see if i cant smooth some of the wrinkles.
i know its strange and not quite to everyones taste. Thanks for bearing with me.

Archren
December 9th, 2004, 06:04 PM
Oddly enough, the first stanza makes me think of day, and the second stanza makes me think of night, until the line "day moon," which kind of threw me. That might just be me, however. If the day/night thing is intentional, it's a neat contrast. :)

Wildeblood
December 10th, 2004, 09:47 PM
There's a proper word for that sensory crossover, too. Which word I also can't recall right now.
Synaesthesia: the subjective sensation of a sense other than the one being stimulated. For example, a sound may evoke sensations of colour.

I knew I'd remember eventually.

MrBF1V3
December 11th, 2004, 12:49 AM
Rira,
are we going to get to see the final version? :o

Julian
December 12th, 2004, 01:13 AM
Here's a suggestion:

A forest

Mirrored in eternity,
Blanketed in white
A clarity of dark
Cold, cold blue.

Tendrils of song
Curling round and through
Pillars and the spindly hands
holding up their heaven.

Accompanied by tenor silver
Such power in an empty church.

I've whittled it down to ten lines (which seemed to be the requirement) and tried to take out a certain inbalance in the original (the day/night thing; the use of the word "wool", which seems strange when talking about a forest). I also tried to give the poem a little more structure (4/4/2 lines).

I kept the "tenor silver", which I like (it's the best thing about the poem).

Like you, I'm not sure about the last line. It's "power" I'm struggling with (in conjunction with "empty church"). In fact, now that I'm typing this, I'd prefer "struggle", though that would change the poem's content quite substantially. The last line would then become:

Such struggle in an empty church.

Anyways, do post the final version!