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TayTootje
December 12th, 2004, 03:37 PM
I don´t usually wright stories, but I do sometimes wright poems. This one I wrote this evening.

Ice

Her world is dark
Empty and cold
She’s lonely and afraid
There’s no-one there to hold

Even when the world around her is warm and kind
She feels frozen and down
On the outside she might seem just fine
Inside she’s covered in a black gown

She tried to break free
She wants to get out
Out of this cycle of doom
She’d like scream and shout

But nobody is there to hear her
She needs a helping hand
Somebody has to reach for her
Pull her out of this misery land

Walking around in this frightening world
Looking trough the glass wall
Behind which everything seems so desirable
She is hoping for someone to hear her call

Tears of pain
Freeze on her cheeks
When will come
The release she seeks…….

Ofcourse it´s not very professional, probably not very interresting to read either. But I would like your opinion on it. And also if there´s any grammar errors I would like to hear it, since my english isn´t perfect.

Drew
December 12th, 2004, 04:13 PM
It isn't too bad...

But let's nitpick! :D

You spelled the word "write" incorrectly (not in the poem, but in your intro). You said you don't know English that well, so I thought I would throw that out there for you to work on.

The poem then...

Not bad. There is really only one thing that I would like to point out. You said "misery land", that just doesn't flow right. Misery is a noun, and shouldn't be used in front of another noun in this manner. I'm not sure if it is explicity against the rules of the English language (don't start on my English degree until next semester), but it doesn't flow for me. I would say "miserable land", it seems more natural and fits the pattern without stopping the reader. When I read it originally, I had to stop and reread the line. That is something that you don't want to make the reader do.

Not too bad at all, I do like the ice anagolgy to her emotion as well. Good stuff! :cool:

MrBF1V3
December 12th, 2004, 04:26 PM
Yeah, good. I like the images.

Might I add there are some difficulties with the cadence, for example the first line of the second stanza:

"Even when the world around her is warm and kind
She feels frozen and down"

Maybe if you drop the "Even" and add a syllable on the next line, somewhere, without changing the meaning. (Do you know why I don't write a lot of poetry, too complicated).

Oh, I really liked the last stanza.

Write on . . .

B5

Dawnstorm
December 13th, 2004, 12:03 PM
You said "misery land", that just doesn't flow right. Misery is a noun, and shouldn't be used in front of another noun in this manner. I'm not sure if it is explicity against the rules of the English language (don't start on my English degree until next semester), but it doesn't flow for me. I would say "miserable land", it seems more natural and fits the pattern without stopping the reader.

"Misery Land", per se, is not "wrong". Nouns do combine with nouns in this way. What we have here is a compound noun, composed of two nouns.

Gold watch - a watch made from gold
Christmas Card - a card you send out at Christmas

The nound + noun pattern is also possible in neologisms. So, "Misery Land" is possible: A land where you experience Misery.

However, there seems to be a naming convention within poetry (and, perhaps, in everyday language, too) for compounds that feature places in combination with abstract noun: instead of [Abstract noun] Land, you get Land of [Abstract noun].

Misery Land --> Land of Misery
Vale of Sorrow, Land of Plenty, Land of Confusion

There is an exception: referring to Theme Parks, Gambling Halls etc:

Fun Land
Joy Plaza

So, while it's technically not incorrect to say "Misery Land", it is unusual, and it may remind readers of theme parks.

Personally, "Misery Land" did not throw me off at all, but I see Drew's point. "miserable land" is an option to consider, alternatively, you could capitalize "Misery Land", making it into some kind of twisted theme park allusion... or you could even leave it as it is. It's your poem and, thus, your decision.

She’d like scream and shout
Are you missing a "to" in this sentence? (She'd like to scream and shout"
Personally, I feel there's a contrast between the relative lightness of "like" and the vehemence of "scream and shout".
I can imagine an Englis gentleman on a train. "Excuse me, sir, but I'd like to scream for a while, if that's okay with you."

Might just be me.

And, like Mr. B, I really the like the last stanza.
:)

TayTootje
December 13th, 2004, 12:24 PM
Thanks all, I can really work with this. I see your point, I´ll change misery land to miserable land, sounds better indeed.

MrBF1V3, I don´t think I´ll change that line. The " even" is really to emphasize the contradiction. Because normally a warm and kind world would make you feel better, but not even that works for her. I see your point, but it sounds better to me this way.

Yes, hihi, I see I´m missing a "to" :). The politeness of "like" is because here we learn the rather old fashioned and polite english like it is used in britain. Probably just a cultural difference. I´ll reconsider.

Drew
December 13th, 2004, 12:57 PM
Thanks for the lesson, Dawn! :o :p

MrBF1V3
December 13th, 2004, 08:12 PM
MrBF1V3, I don´t think I´ll change that line.

Okay with me. If/when you revise, it would be cool if you would post a copy here.

B5

Dawnstorm
December 14th, 2004, 11:50 AM
Yes, hihi, I see I´m missing a "to" :). The politeness of "like" is because here we learn the rather old fashioned and polite english like it is used in britain. Probably just a cultural difference. I´ll reconsider.

Not so much a cultural difference as one of situation.

"Like" is polite, and to be used in situations when you want something from someone. So, for example, you'd say, "I'd like to open a window, plese," even if the air was thick and hot and you really, really, really need to open it, or you'll faint.

There's no need for politeness when you describe what someone wants, then you might want to express that.

She'd like to, She wants to, She needs to, She's got an urge to, She's desparate to...

As for the cultural difference: I'm from Austria, and we get to learn the British version, too.
;)