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Julian
December 14th, 2004, 04:22 PM
Okay - I've been reading a few submissions by (aspiring) poets in this thread recently.

Here's another effort. I'd appreciate your thoughts (but mostly the reasoning behind 'em):

Say The Drums

Say the drums rolled out at twilight. Call
the nightwatch to attend. If you were there
and I was absent
would such thoughts roil through your head?

Now if you loved me; if the stairs
were not so steep, and proper toys
were properly hid within their attics
(like promises not meant to keep)
would I question
would I cry
this lullaby of modern ploy?

But as things stand they’re falling over
antics sprawled in mirrored lie.

Thanks!

MrBF1V3
December 15th, 2004, 12:53 AM
I told myself I was just going to look around tonight, and not comment on anything, but
I just can't stop myself.
Maybe it's because I've been on the other end, writting without the hope of feedback Where even bad feedback, by people who don't or won't understand is so much better than nothing.

Enough about me. I wax uneloquent. Your poem.

Bravo! I'm standing in front of the computer clapping.
I assume you want details.

Interesting in the first line, you start a new sentence at the end of the line. At first I was distracted. But it adds an interesting pause to the thought. Keep it. (See if someone has the patent.)

In the last line of the first stanza. My first thought was that "roil" was a misprint. (and it may be.) It did make me stop, but it does fit in with the rest. You might consider changing it to roll.

The pacing of the second stanza is frenetic, nothing seems to end at the end of the line. It keeps me moving forward, not bad at all.

In the last grouping, I stumbled over "antics", I saw it first as "attics" as in a few lines before. It does fit there, and I'm not suggesting you change it, but you may want to look at what it does to the line, and be sure that's what you wanted it to do.

Hope this helps.
B5

Archren
December 15th, 2004, 03:44 PM
I love the first stanza, the rhythm of the words totally works for me. It rolls off the tongue, and is very clear. However, the other two don't work as well for me. After the beautiful rhythm of the first stanza, it seems really jarring, and the metaphor was a little obscure. It was hard for me, personally, to connect toys with promises.

Still, I'm impressed with what you've done here. Keep it up!

One other thing: what would change if you wrote the first stanza this way instead?

Say the drums rolled out at twilight.
Call the nightwatch to attend.
If you were there and I was absent
would such thoughts roil through your head?

Because that's the way it sounded in my head when I read it anyway. But then, the things I don't understand about poetry will fill very, very large books. :o

Julian
December 15th, 2004, 10:07 PM
Thanks for the feedback!

I'll give it a little thought and get back to it.

At first glance though, I have to admit your comments are a little more relevant than I'd hoped.... No, that's not true - it was exactly what I hoped for!

Ah well, as said, I get back to this soon.