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Jay232
January 23rd, 2005, 06:24 PM
I'm writing a paragraph in a sequal and for some reason I can't edit it enough for it to not sound confusing. To me it makes sense, but I am the author of both books. Is there enough sense in the paragraph, or should I keep working to try and fix it?
p.s. keep in mind it's still rough draft material. :p

The house they shared was the same she’d lived in since her father remarried six years prior. The house she shared with her father for those first four years, the house that she then lost interest in when she thought she’d lost Josh. It was the same house that she spent a year alone in after her father and stepmother moved. She still couldn’t figure out why they would move only a year after she’d lost the love of her life, but it didn’t matter now.

Jacquin
January 23rd, 2005, 06:29 PM
Ok. that is confusing. Is the house itself relevant? If not I'd drop the whole thing. If it is, then maybe find a way to drop the facts in one by one throughout the story.

J

Jay232
January 23rd, 2005, 06:35 PM
The house is relevant only because it's the house that she discovered Josh was still alive when she thought he'd been dead for two years. I wanted to make that point because they now share the house, but I guess I went overboard. :p

Jay232
January 23rd, 2005, 06:54 PM
The house they now shared was the same that she’d suffered in the two years that she thought Josh was dead. It was the same house that she’d spent a long, drawn-out year alone until Josh had returned, walking right through the front door that she was walking out of now. She still couldn’t figure out why her father would decide to move away only a year after she had lost the love of her life, but it was all irrelevant facts now.

Does that make it any better? lol :confused:

Jacquin
January 23rd, 2005, 07:02 PM
Yeah that's better. I'd lose the word "facts" in the last sentence though.

Now I'd read on...

J

Jay232
January 23rd, 2005, 07:29 PM
Thanks!! :D

Erebus
January 23rd, 2005, 10:51 PM
I'm a great believer of less being more, so I'd tighten it up a little further:

The house they now shared was the home she’d suffered in during the two years she believed Josh to be dead; the same house she’d spent a long, drawn-out year alone in until Josh had returned, walking right through the door she was exiting now. She still couldn’t figure out why her father would decide to move away only a year after she had lost the love of her life, but it was all irrelevant now.

Hope this helps? :)

Expendable
January 24th, 2005, 10:13 AM
I'm a great believer of less being more, so I'd tighten it up a little further:

The house they now shared was the home she’d suffered in during the two years she believed Josh to be dead; the same house she’d spent a long, drawn-out year alone in until Josh had returned, walking right through the door she was exiting now. She still couldn’t figure out why her father would decide to move away only a year after she had lost the love of her life, but it was all irrelevant now.

Hope this helps? :)

The house they now shared - walking right through the door she was exiting now.

Is she moving, intending never to come back? Or are you just saying this is the very same door that Josh used to walk back into her life?

JRMurdock
January 24th, 2005, 11:21 AM
I'm reading and re-reading and I'm lost in the timeframe here.

Who's Josh?
What does her father have to do with it?
When did Josh leave/die?
What does her father have to do with it?
I'm confused by the reference of four years and one year. What's the relationship? Are you establishing a timeline here?
I also don't understand why the house caused bad memories? Did Josh die in the house? Did Josh just leave? Why did her father remarry? What's up with the step-mom?

I guess, for me, there's a lot of vagueness in that paragraph an by itself it's confusing. My personal opinion, break it up into separate paragraphs to better explain each thought. If this is for a short story, try to be light in explanation. If it's for a novel, delve deep into each little bite.

That's my opinion. :)

Palenval
January 24th, 2005, 11:33 AM
Expendable, I can't answer for Jay, but I would say leave that info for another paragraph... keep the reader interested. I think the paragraph(either by Jay or Erebus) is good. It leaves questions in the readers mind, urging them to keep reading.

Anyway, that is just my opinion.

Edit: needed to remove an assumption on my part...