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Gotenks_32288
March 13th, 2001, 11:21 AM
I got my story up here. It's called Ahial's Quest. It's only ten pages, too.

P.S. This is to Dag, but the text on mine is a little messed up. I don't really care, but just letting you know in case u can change it.

Erebus
March 13th, 2001, 04:41 PM
Hi Chris,

I've just finished reading your story and must admit that I really had difficulty working out where the story was headed at times. To me, it seemed to be somewhat disjointed in parts, moving perhaps a little too fast from one scene to another.

The general premise however was interesting, although perhaps you could have expanded the myth of the magic behind the wand some more.
Apart from the typo's and missing words, which are so easy to miss, no matter how many times you read it over, I also thought the dialog appeared a little clumsy and juvenile sounding. Perhaps this was your intent, and of course, I have no idea of knowing how old you are yourself!

I also felt that perhaps the use of the word "Father" would have had a little more atsmopheric impact than just plain old "Dad"! After all, we're trying to make our worlds sound "other-worldly", aren't we.

I believe that with a little revison, a lot of reading your dialog out loud, (something which I am always told to do, BTW!) and some additional proofing, your story will be more reflective of the hard work and skill you have obviously used to create it!

Keep up the good work, Chris!

Regards, Neil.

P.S. In case you're interested, I also have a short story, Ghost of Elysium, posted here. It's only 1000 words so it's a quick one to read! (I have posted a separate topic for any feedback.) I also have an extract from my first published novel, Reflections listed here, which again has its own topic, "Time for a little "Reflection".

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited March 14, 2001).]

Gotenks_32288
March 15th, 2001, 01:47 PM
-Neil

I'm only 13 and I must admit that I understand what you are saying. I can't help what I do, but I'm trying very hard to piece together a better story. Other than that I'll check your story out.