View Full Version : Critique: Saelieni Prologue
February 1st, 2005, 11:56 PM
I've put up the prologue to a work called the Saelieni in the community section. (That's the name of the longer story featuring the collector, for those of you who've been reading my other post. Or am I deluding myself If i think people care that much?) I need to know a few things,
-What kind of tone does it build up, for you?
-Is it interesting?
-Do you get a nice clear picture of what the town of Yulumson might be?
-And how's my grammar/sentence structure/ spelling etc. ?
I've really got to go now... there's a dust storm sweeping across the district... (i hate australia). :mad:
February 4th, 2005, 02:15 PM
The smarmy, yet omniscient narrator wasn't my favorite, but it was consistent, and who knows, maybe omniscient/yet smartass is the perfect voice for a story about falling trash and its universal defenders. :)
A few typos -- bum sum (some) so what the hell was it. (?) Although (still,) he may (might), but not too many. The atmosphere is good, the character could use a mannerism or something quirkish to make him a little more vivid, but still, he's good too. The last scene works well right up until the end, at which point it gets a little muddy. It would probably go better if the station wagon were left undefined until the last sentence "and then station wagon landed." Letting that serve as the concluding line.
Of course the main issue is the content (and this is purely as it applies to publication). The very realistic -- not even a little bit slaphappy -- writing stands in fairly stark contrast to the storyline of junk falling out of the sky, and mystic junkmen who write sappy lines on footballs before throwing them to earth. I'm not trying to tell you what to write. I'd never let anyone do that to me (unless of course we were talking about HELLACIOUS GOBS OF MONEY :D ), but I think most people will be thinking in terms of humorous prose with a setup like that.
Just so you know. :)
February 10th, 2005, 12:05 AM
Well, the aim of the story is really to generate a fantasy kind of plotline in our own world. Because in fantasy stories you always have these larger than life heroes and villains, and rare, magical items that the fate of the world relies on... and it's always about the fate of the world. Here I'm trying to replace the dark lords of the icy north with a homeless looking guy; the reign of fire becomes a reign of trash, the ring of power (and other such objects) becomes a discarded hubcap and the hero... well it was going to be an army guy, but now I think it might be a blue collar farmer type. I wasn't really aiming at humour (well maybe a little bit in the form of sarcasm and irony) rather I want the focus to be the mystery about exactly what the hell is happening... and maybe even end it all with an apocalypse.
The goal is to create a fantasy world within our own world, which probably came about as i was bored with life one afternoon. So I thought, hey, I'm going to write a story where the fate of existence itself is in the hands of a homeless guy who has an obsession with collecting junk. The contrast with the writing and the actual plot was intentional, I wanted to present such a story in a way that was as down-to-earth as possible. I was hoping that it might make the falling junk, The Collector, the guardians (none of whom are under the age of fifty) and three races of mutant monster creature things that'll end up fighting over the town of Yulumson and therefore an alliance with a fourth race of demon creatures and therefore control of existence... a little more believable. :(
February 10th, 2005, 03:18 PM
If you haven't read the story--there are spoilers here.
If you haven't read the story, why are you reading this?
Okay, I looked at the prologue and wrote down a few (hopefully) helpful comments. Take this with a grain of salt, or a spoonful of sugar, depending on your culture.
Let me say first it is an interesting segment. I don't always see the point of a prologue (just jump into the story already), but this seems to work in this case. It is a creative and unusual idea, which would keep me reading. You are doing a good job.
To answer your question, I like the tone, the omniscient/sarcastic voice which follows "Mark" works really well. The situation with trash falling out of the sky is terrifying and strange, and deadly serious if you're in the wrong place (obviously).
The initial comments on Yulumson seem out of place. (i.e. "Life is sh**house. . .") We are following through the omniscient voice the thoughts of Mark as he is going to a job, and all of the sudden he is majorly slamming this little town. If you look at the rest of the narrative, he doesn't have a lot of knowledge or experience with the town, and obviously doesn't care
to. Your character is having mood swings.
This is just a matter of style, but it seems like your character wouldn't be too concerned about having to explain sunburn to his doctor. I know it would not my first concern.
I agree with the chef about the station wagon, try taking out the "It was a station wagon." sentence. And in the last sentence, don't begin it with "Although"--Maybe something along the lines of "He would have even survived, if the station wagon hadn't landed on his little head."--except more in your style. See what works.
A few typos (because we know they couldn't be possibly be missspellings or errors :) ) When you are talking about the Makaletti Shire, "(And only god knew... )". :eek: For the record, proper names of dieties should be in caps, for example "God' or "MrBF1V3".
Isn't toolkit two words?
The guardian shall fall should be in quotes.
"The chair had landed (yet had remained in tact)"---try "intact". It must be a well built chair, by the way. Most furniture I know of couldn't remain intact if dropped from a second story, much less after falling from the sky.
Right after that "What the hell? But as he watched . . ." You don't need a "but" there, possibly an "and" or a "then", maybe even a "suddenly".
I hope you find some of this helpful.
February 10th, 2005, 04:11 PM
Thanks for the help MrBF1V3. I'm not too good on the whole grammar side of things because I nevre paid attention during school :rolleyes: .
Oh, and with the chair thing, all of the stuff that falls from the sky is indestructible... what? Na, ah, you're wierd!
Looks like I've got some editing to do...
February 14th, 2005, 12:10 AM
[QUOTE=Gregorius_H]Thanks for the help MrBF1V3. I'm not too good on the whole grammar side of things because I nevre paid attention during school :rolleyes: QUOTE]
One editing tool I've found helpful is to read what I've written out loud. Some of the inconstancies or wrong words will stand out when you do that, as well as awkward constructions.
Doesn't always help with spelling though.
February 16th, 2005, 07:00 PM
Yeah, I've tried that in the past. But now I'm living in a college with two hundred people and I feel kind of weird talking to myself in my room... lol.
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