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juzzza
February 2nd, 2005, 11:27 AM
I was just having a look in the community pages, quite a nice little place we have there.

Anyway, I thought I would put up one of my published stories for people to read and critique.

It is called Arthur's Tavern, and appeared in the final issue of LEGEND.

Of course I am interested in your opinions, although it's a little late for critique. However, I thought the writers might be interested as it was accepted and published by quite a tough editor. If people want to pick it apart, that is fine too.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/226p0.html

Miriamele
February 2nd, 2005, 01:36 PM
Hey, thanks for posting your story. I enjoyed it! A unique portrayal of the noble Lancelot, to say the least. :D

I can see why it was accepted. It's a good length (not too long), clearly written in short paragraphs and easy to read, an original idea...and most of all it's entertaining. What I really liked about it was its POV--I like stories which follow the viewpoint of a "regular joe." You could have made the story from Lancelot's POV but it wouldn't have been nearly as entertaining as the way you did do it.

Good work, and congrats on getting published! :)

juzzza
February 2nd, 2005, 02:42 PM
Ah, God love ya Miriamele, thank you for those comments.

I must admit I thought the Arthurian fans would go mad with that portrayal, so was very pleased to have it accepted.

Thanks again and all my love to your family (new members & older, trouble ones) ;)

Dawnstorm
February 3rd, 2005, 02:11 PM
Hehe, I always enjoy stories that take popular figures apart like that. Great story! Not a word too much, nothing unclear.

Only thing I found a bit odd was the paragraphing. Why's there a paragraph break between the first two paragraphs for example (and don't say, because they wouldn't be paragraphs, then, because that's my point...).

Also, there's this structure:

Someone does something. -- Paragraph break. -- Same one speaks. Someone else reacts. -- Paragraph break

Example:

"Weíve kissed, that is all. Iím not totally without honour, farmer. I think Iíll return to Camelot and proclaim my love for her, to Arthur." Gouan cursed under his breath.

"Look Lancelot, donít think me rude, but I think Iíve heard enough." Lancelot reached across the table and held Gouanís wrist with a vice-like grip.

"Whatís the matter? I thought you wanted to make conversation?"

No big deal, though. If this was a novel, I'd get used to it in no time.

And I absolutely agree with Miriamele about the choice of PoV character. :D

juzzza
February 3rd, 2005, 02:45 PM
When I submitted it to the community Dawn, it was all clumped together as one large paragraph :rolleyes: So I just chopped it up quickly so it was readable.

Dawnstorm
February 4th, 2005, 02:18 PM
Ah, that explains it.

MrBF1V3
February 5th, 2005, 12:49 AM
That was good. Is there a chapter 2 perchance?

But really, good story, well paced, unique point of view, and the guy gets a free sword. All I need is a bag of popcorn.

B5

juzzza
February 5th, 2005, 03:43 PM
Nope, that is it.

Although I hope I have kept that style and POV with my longer project.

Miriamele
February 5th, 2005, 09:48 PM
What longer project are you working on?

That reminds me, Juzz, whatever happened to that book you were writing? The first chapter was posted here ages ago, the one where the sword-weilding woman has an ethereal visitor whilst in the bathtub...lol. I really liked that story and wanted to read more...did you ever finish it?

:)

juzzza
February 6th, 2005, 11:43 AM
Yep thatīs the project I am still working on Miri.

I actually emailed you about five chapters a few months ago, after promising I would do that for so long :o

It is coming together, and I know where I am going with it. It is my goal to finish it this year.