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Leo
February 5th, 2005, 07:34 PM
i posted the story celestial wars for an experiment, in order to see if the idea would fly the book isnt complete, but in oder for it to be complete i need to know if its a good idea to follow. if some of you could give me some feed back on whether you like it or not i would be gratefull :)

Prunesquallor
February 6th, 2005, 12:52 PM
here is the link

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/234p0.html

Prunesquallor
February 6th, 2005, 02:51 PM
Here are some nitpicky comments...

There are a lot of typos in the first part

It’s a cold night in the city of New York, and on the tallest tower a figure stands watch over the people below.

It seems to me that, if the setting is NY, you should choose a specific building rather than “the tallest tower”

The figure being of a woman who for along time has defended the city against the forces of darkness.

This is a sentence fragment. How about: “The figure, a woman, had defended the city against the forces of darkness for a long time.”

But on this particular night the cold wind stings her face, and passes through her coat and sends chills down her already half-frozen body. Frozen and tense she inhales the cold air as she moves on to another part of the city. Looking down at her watch she notices that it’s almost midnight. Her shift would soon be over as a cop, and if she didn’t catch anything it would have been a waste of a night.

It seems odd to me that a cop would spend there time on top of a building waiting for something to happen, unless there was a reason to expect something.

Looking up again she scans the city with her binoculars and spots something of interest. On the furthest part of the city she saw three men abducting a girl.
I don’t think someone could see an abduction taking place on the far side of York City, even from the top of a building with binoculars. Other buildings would get in the way.

Zooming in on them she takes a picture of the men before they get into a van and move away from her view.
I thought she had binoculars in her hands….

Seeing this [SHE?] leaped off the building and spread out her hands and transformed into her angel form.

Her body [WAS?] briefly engulfed in a bright flash [that?] made her leather coat and black jeans give way to white and gold armor and on her back a pair of white eagle wings appear.
This sentence needs to be reworked.

Getting close to the ground she flaps hard and takes off into the night, once in the clouds she scans the surface for the men with her Angel sight, her eyes briefly going white as she does this. Seeing them on the high way [highway] heading north she climbs up and [then] dives, keeping her body straight she dives into the enemy like a bullet.
If you want to use the bullet simile, I would use a word other than dive (do bullets dive?) pierce, penetrate, flies towards. Another reason to use a different word is that it is the second time you have used it in this sentence.

But before she hits the ground she pulls up just in time
That is the second tome you have used that sort of image

to feel demon senses flicker on and to see her amulet give off a deep glow.
Does she pull up because of the flickering senses and amulet? If so, this must happen first, before she pulls up. If not, then why did she pull up?

“Hmm demons, that explains it,” she said under her breath “well I guess its time to make my presence clear”.
Explains what?

She said to her self-flying over them with the thick fog covering her.
This should be two sentences (at least). And explain where the fog came from.

Keeping up she followed them to the docks, where she saw that the men were getting out. Watching them from above Rin dove and landed a few meters away behind a building.
She can’t watch from above AND land a few meters away behind a building. (And how big is the building if she is behind is and only a few meters away?) This is the first time you use the name Rin. Why wait until here?

Getting away from her cover she leaped onto the roof,
This is kind of awkward

and surprised the driver who was still in the van.
He sees her on a roof from inside of his van?

Punching in the windshield she pulled him out by his collar demanding to know who he was.
Why is that the first question she asks?

The man being caught off guard searched for his gun at his waist and pulled it out. But before he could shoot at Rin, Rin twisted his arm back and broke his hand. Looking at the pendant on her neck the man gave a yell and pulled away from her.
His arm has been broken, but he only yells when he sees the pendant?

Looking down Rin saw that the pendant started on her neck-started glow even more, indicating the danger that he was


That is about as far as I have gotten. You have the action, but I would be more careful with the description. It might seem like I am picking on little things, but the way to get a reader to buy into a world with guardian angels and demons running around NYC is to describe little things carefully so we feel we can see what is happening for ourselves. As it stands, it is hard to picture the scene - how does she see something happening on the other side of the city? where did the binoculars [edit: I meant camera] come from? And the fog? Why did she pull up?

Filling in some backstory here and there - what does she know about demons in the city? Why was she on the roof? - would help also.

Hope this helps.

Leo
February 6th, 2005, 05:07 PM
thank you for your insight and it has help me alot. i will do my best fix it adn i hope that you enjoy reading what i have posted :)

ironchef texmex
February 13th, 2005, 07:37 PM
Hello Leo, read your story, it's a colossal mess, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. :)

I'm guessing that you're pretty young. One word of advice. Stop sleeping through your English classes! No, I know it's boring. No, I don't understand the purpose of sentence diagrams either. But you've got a long way to go in the grammar department. Especially watch out for run on sentences and punctuation.

I liked some of the action scenes. The whole thing had a lot of energy and it was a fun read. Sometimes a scene or two was hard to visualize. Action is nice, but you also have to spend some time on things like characters and describing the setting. But that's all for later. Right now, just work on the grammar stuff. The rest will come with time.

Leo
February 13th, 2005, 08:57 PM
Hello Leo, read your story, it's a colossal mess, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. :)

I'm guessing that you're pretty young. One word of advice. Stop sleeping through your English classes! No, I know it's boring. No, I don't understand the purpose of sentence diagrams either. But you've got a long way to go in the grammar department. Especially watch out for run on sentences and punctuation.

I liked some of the action scenes. The whole thing had a lot of energy and it was a fun read. Sometimes a scene or two was hard to visualize. Action is nice, but you also have to spend some time on things like characters and describing the setting. But that's all for later. Right now, just work on the grammar stuff. The rest will come with time.


i appreciate all the advice please keep it coming, all this will help in developing the idea

MrBF1V3
February 14th, 2005, 01:26 AM
I've read the story, and I think you are getting some pretty good help gramatically, so let me make a comment about characterization here. You can take it for what it's worth. (A comment made by someone on a website who uses an alias ;) .)

I think the main character in this segment is too powerful. I've had problems with over-powered characters in my own writing, you might want to aviod it.

If your character can take on any and all opponents and barely breaks a sweat, there's no drama in taking on opponents. So you have to give them problems that they cannot solve as easily, with the background that they are so powerful. If you invent superman you have to invent kryptonite, and magic, and solar flares, and, well, Lois.

It can be much more dramatic if the hero is facing difficult if not impossible odds.

On the other hand, I still have the stories with my very powerful character, and I still read them every so often. Go figure. :rolleyes:

B5

Leo
February 14th, 2005, 12:12 PM
I've read the story, and I think you are getting some pretty good help gramatically, so let me make a comment about characterization here. You can take it for what it's worth. (A comment made by someone on a website who uses an alias ;) .)

I think the main character in this segment is too powerful. I've had problems with over-powered characters in my own writing, you might want to aviod it.

If your character can take on any and all opponents and barely breaks a sweat, there's no drama in taking on opponents. So you have to give them problems that they cannot solve as easily, with the background that they are so powerful. If you invent superman you have to invent kryptonite, and magic, and solar flares, and, well, Lois.

It can be much more dramatic if the hero is facing difficult if not impossible odds.

On the other hand, I still have the stories with my very powerful character, and I still read them every so often. Go figure. :rolleyes:

B5


thank you which story have you read, guardians of power or Celestial wars, you must understand that when i get further into the story. there are going to be more difficult task, the my chrachter will not be able over come with out getting injured

Leo
February 14th, 2005, 12:14 PM
I've read the story, and I think you are getting some pretty good help gramatically, so let me make a comment about characterization here. You can take it for what it's worth. (A comment made by someone on a website who uses an alias ;) .)

I think the main character in this segment is too powerful. I've had problems with over-powered characters in my own writing, you might want to aviod it.

If your character can take on any and all opponents and barely breaks a sweat, there's no drama in taking on opponents. So you have to give them problems that they cannot solve as easily, with the background that they are so powerful. If you invent superman you have to invent kryptonite, and magic, and solar flares, and, well, Lois.

It can be much more dramatic if the hero is facing difficult if not impossible odds.

On the other hand, I still have the stories with my very powerful character, and I still read them every so often. Go figure. :rolleyes:

B5


thank you which story have you read, guardians of power or Celestial wars, you must understand that when i get further into the story. there are going to be more difficult task, the my chrachter will not be able over come with out getting injured

wastra
February 14th, 2005, 12:22 PM
Well, grammar wise, you've made one of the big mistakes on a couple of occassions.

You CAN get by with sentence fragmetns if it fits within thestory- especially if it's a person's thoughts.

You CAN get by with poor spelling becuase we have speel checkers now.

You CAN change point of View because, if done well (See: Frank Herbert), it can work, though it's difficult.



You CANNOT change tense. You simply cannot. Editors will laugh, readers will become confused, and you'll lose the flow of yoru story altogether.

But on this particular night the cold wind stings her face, and passes through her coat and sends chills down her already half-frozen body. Frozen and tense she inhales the cold air as she moves on to another part of the city. Looking down at her watch she notices that it’s almost midnight.

All that is present tense- which is also fine, thought difficult to write an entire novel that way.

The next sentence in that paragraph is:
Her shift would soon be over as a cop, and if she didn’t catch anything it would have been a waste of a night.

To remain in present tense, it should read: her shift will be over soon, and if she doesn't catch anything, it will be a waste of a night.