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Jay232
February 9th, 2005, 07:59 PM
I posted the prologue to my first novel in the community.
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/247p0.html
As I edit more I will post more, I should have Chapter One up soon if anyone is interested. I've heard good and bad things about my prologue, so any critiques will be great! Thanx! :)
*J*

MrBF1V3
February 10th, 2005, 04:42 PM
I'm up for a few comments.

You seem to have put a lot of good work into this, but you should keep editing, there was, in my opinion, too much information in this segment. You are telling me too much, let me guess a bit more. Try having the characters talk more and think less.

CO should be C.O. or commanding officer. Who by the way is not a real pleasant person, is he?

They found an outsider who seemingly stumbled on their plans, and they did what? It's kind of unclear what had happened, but if they detained and questioned him, he should have been brought to a superior officer. If he was seen but not detained, they wouldn't know what he might or might not have known. (Which might make it more interesting, but you are the author.)

Um . . . Instead of *Three Days Later* as a heading, it might work better to work it into the first sentence, i.e. "Three days later Sniper stepped into the C.O.s office and . . ."

I pretty sure "another soldiers gun" should be "another soldier's gun".

Hope this helps,
B5

Jay232
February 10th, 2005, 06:17 PM
I posted a further edited version of the prologue. Thanx, and I welcome more critiques! I'm sure it still needs more :p I'm also going to post Chapter 1. :D
Thanks!!!
*J*

ironchef texmex
February 13th, 2005, 08:02 PM
The scene as a whole is pretty hard to visualize. You might want to spend a little more time on setting and describing people's reactions as they talk, not just the talk. But that's not the main problem.

The big issue is using this scene as a prologue. I wouldn't do it if I were you. A prologue is just something that happens prior to the story, but the something should usually be an event that catches the reader's interest. A good one usually leaves more questions than answers, and tries to make the reader care about what the answers to those questions are.

Some possibilities: a scene where the sniper is sniping somebody else, then move this scene to chapter 1 or later. Maybe begin with the scene where the brother is actually shot. Let the reader find out the explanation for what happened as the book developed. As it stands now, it's just too much information, not enough action/intrigue/suspense.

Jay232
February 13th, 2005, 11:53 PM
I wrote the prologue in a matter of fifteen minutes, thus why it is so weird :o
But I've been trying to get a good edit on it. The reason I took this scene for the prologue is because as the story progresses you find out that the brother was not actually shot. To give it away, the brother is one of the main characters, Josh. He gets transferred to a new platoon before the attack could take place. I also chose this scene because it was the only scene in the book that is placed directly in the terrorists pov. I wanted to start out the book strong to give the reader a sense of who the terrorists are. I added more info after a friend of mine came up with questions. He'd asked me why the american soldiers wanted to attack their own country. The questions I was attempting to pose were what these people had to do with the main characters and why the main characters were being chased and having their lives almost taken on a couple occasions. I guess I did a bad job :rolleyes: Thanks for the critique, I'll work on it some more! I still welcome more advice if anyone is up to it! :D

Jay232
February 14th, 2005, 03:59 PM
I'm editing the prologue... once again... and I was just wandering, what information in it is too much? I added a scene before the warehouse scene of the Sniper executing one of his past victims. I was hoping to show a little bit of how good he is and how he got the nickname Sniper. But I was just wondering what information I should take out? Any help? :D BTW I posted the even further edited prologue... sheesh I have a feeling I'll be working on this prologue forever :eek: :D