View Full Version : Critique: Invitation to the Dance
March 2nd, 2005, 08:57 AM
Posted a draft story here:
Have at it, please.
Thanks to Holbrook who pointed out I had mis-linked this. Should work now.
March 2nd, 2005, 04:53 PM
Posted a draft story here:
Have at it, please.
Are you sure that's the right link? I found a story but it's on an edit page.
Give me some time to read.
March 2nd, 2005, 04:54 PM
See my edit above, B5. As usual, I screwed it up the first time.
March 2nd, 2005, 05:20 PM
Note the times on your edit & my post. We won't let you stay screwed up for long. So if you would dare listen to someone involved in the "Fan Tessie and Zion's Friction" thread, here are my thoughts. . .
About the story: This is one of the few stories I would actually use the word "cute" to describe, and not in a bad, sarcastic way either. Interesting take on future use of language. Nice work.
A few housekeeping kind of details: You start the "broadcast" with a time reference, which your character, Puck, later takes time to explain to the viewers. It seems if the broadcast starts with that the viewers would be aquainted with it, and maybe not the other kind of time reference.
Also, the announcer in the intro calls it "the least important discovery of modern times", but more toward the end He calls it a "startling discovery" and says "requiring minds are wont to know"--it just seems like he's contradicting himself.
Hope this helps,
March 2nd, 2005, 06:27 PM
You had me until the last line. I got a chuckle, but was wanting something more. It's cute. I'll give you that. :)
March 3rd, 2005, 03:29 AM
Typos, a number of them, but not sure if they are "inflections" in the speech.
One I would alter though desired desire its towards the end ;)
Wanted to know more of where the interview was taking place. Was it a radio one or TV was there an audience? Did Puck fiddle with his tie or look to see if anything was on the bottom of his shoe (Harrision I would figure ;) ) Just wanted a bit more about "them" if that makes sense. What they looked like etc...
From the way it was written got a idea that it was like a 1940's radio interview, the sort that is in US films. Were you aiming for that or was it an accident?
Bits that cracked me up
"Stanford’s a school on the coast of Arizona"
I’m above average when it comes to sleeping.”
Puck: “Yeah, computers are so literal. I remember one time the stress got to me. I made a mistake and the computer corrected me just like it always did but this time I exploded. I yelled ‘well, screw me all the way to hell and gone!” A couple of seconds later, the computer asked if I wanted it to be male or female.”
Harrison: “They can do that?”
Puck: “Oh, it’s all a head game, you know.”
Harrison: “So your D-Day was the 4th of June?
As to the ending I was half expecting that by the end of page two, but then I know your style when it comes to this type of short story. It was what I would call an HE ending, but it worked well...
March 3rd, 2005, 07:59 AM
We have in the U.S. phenomena known as Public Television and Public Radio. Both do interesting interview shows and may be the only forums remaining in this world where the interviews are designed to elicit infromation rather than stroke one side or the other's ego.
I imagined a host who had pretensions to snobbery but lacked the wherewithal to pull it off. The inspiration for the host's language difficulties, his tendency toward malapropisms, came from a current personality.
I took the explorer's educational background from the same personality extrapolating the impact such a person might have on future generations.
And, then, I tried to be funny.
I owe my short story endings to the tradition set by O'Henry and all those fine purveyors of shaggy dog stories.
March 10th, 2005, 03:30 PM
Another writing exercise posted at:
What do you think?
March 10th, 2005, 03:59 PM
god should be God
"...pretty mush as the goddess..." I think you meant much
"He was full of pee and vee..." I assume you mean Piss and Vinigar
An interesting slant you got on that one. At least now I know why I don't understand women. :D
March 12th, 2005, 12:45 PM
Evil man! Favourite subject I see and overall interesting
Ok....Main idea good, dialogue good, but too much of it I wanted to know where they were, what were their reactions to what was bening said etc.. when you did do any, like the chair it worked well, but more please as it is flat out conversation without "getting to know" the characters, it just needed a few words here and there,
MacKay resisted the ejection, moving slowly so as to get his question out before they reached the door. loose the ejection it makes the sentecne clumsy, least to me.
and they did this pretty mush Mush? typo! much....
turgid with self-importance can you loose the turgid it does not fit at all
The ending, you rushed it, I was wanting more detail of the conversation between the Goiddess and the God and hints at to what she was going to get up to... thought you had got so far then said right had enough finish it...
Hope that did not hurt too much ;)
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