[PENTIAK]

Wastra: great idea, absolutly ace, I was wondering how many exercieses you intend to do- I don't mean to be butting in but I've an idea...

[JacobMartin]

The door to the musty room was ajar, letting in the sun's yellow light through a broken window. The stab of light sliced through the gloom of the hallway highlighting a million floating motes. I walked to the door to peer in. Nothing strange about the room: the furniture were covered in white sheets, a pulled back curtain gave me a view of the backyard. My constituent, Officer Brown was poking around a dilapidated toolshed.

Touching the ancient doorknob, I silently closed the door and walked away.

/jm

[JacobMartin]

The door to the musty room was ajar, letting in the sun's yellow light through a broken window. The stab of light sliced through the gloom of the hallway highlighting a million floating motes. I walked to the door to peer in. Nothing strange about the room: the furniture were covered in white sheets, a pulled back curtain gave me a view of the backyard. My constituent, Officer Brown was poking around a dilapidated toolshed.

Touching the ancient doorknob, I silently closed the door and walked away.

/jm

[Oldman]

Ok, here's my rewrite as seen by the woman in the red dress... Any opinions and/or comments are very welcome whether by e-mail or posts online!

They’d been here an hour, she’d filed her nails, brushed her hair, gone over the plan again and again but he still wasn’t here. For the fifth time Angel took out her mirror and checked her make-up. Not only was she bored, but she was sure they weren’t going to pay her extra for her time, and this stupid red dress was the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Two-Faced Tommy had made her twist and twirl and made lots of noises she could only presume had been complimentary noises, but he’d been happy with the dress.

Whack-‘em Bill turned back from the window and shouted at her to put the ‘goddamed’ mirror away and sit on the desk. He then explained the plan to her again. Nodding and smiling Angel wondered if Billy actually understood the plan or was just repeating it parrot fashion to her. She asked the two requisite questions about what to do when the door opened and when to smile. She had a reputation to uphold. Despite this work being boring, it paid well and Two-Faced Tommy wouldn’t hire anyone smarter than himself in case they started seeing the holes in his plans.

Angel knew she had a couple of minutes before Harry would get to his office door, but she sat there as she had been told to. Taking out of her purse the cigar Two-Faced Tommy had insisted she use to get Harry’s attention and draw him away from the door. She had to admit that Tommy had thought the plan through properly for once. She was going to be the decoy while Whack-‘em Bill stood behind the door. When Harry came in, seeing her as the bait, Billy would whack ‘im. All the same Angel had a stupid-bowling trophy from Harry’s office in her left hand out of sight just in case anything went wrong.

Outside the office the floorboards creaked in the corridor. The outline of a man becoming visible through the frosted glass window of the office door. Angel straightened her shoulders and looked off to her side, away from the door.

What was taking him so long? Whoever was outside the door was breathing so heavily the Big Bad Wolf couldn’t have huffed and puffer any harder. Perhaps he was dying out there.

On the edge of her peripheral vision Angel saw the door open. Slowly at first as if the person opening it was suspicious of the room or it’s contents. Could he have found them out? Perhaps it was the Police! Angel gripped the stupid-bowling trophy tightly in her hand ready to swing. Then the door swung lightly back until it hit something. Angel winced, remembering how she’d suggested to Whack-‘em Bill he should move the hat stand so he’d be out of the way of the door.

Turning her head towards him, she took her first opportunity to look him over as he’d been doing since he’d noticed her. He wasn’t exactly what Angel had been expecting. He was much taller and more handsome than most Private Eyes tended to be. She saw a lot of Private Eyes while doing this kind of work for Two-Faced Tommy. She had never understood why Private Eyes spent their days trying to catch the likes of Two-Faced Tommy, or why the likes of Two-Faced Tommy spent their days bumping off Private Eyes. But it paid.

Then Angel noticed Harry’s foot. He’d planted it right in front of the door. Her left hand starting to sweat she felt her grip instinctively tighten on the stupid-bowling trophy. She had to get Harry to move away from the door. He was too big and the stupid-bowling trophy too light to do any damage.

She smiled.

She almost fell off of the desk when it worked and he took a step towards her. His lips sort of twitched in reply, but it looked more like a grimace than a smile. The kind of grimace people make when they’re thinking too hard about something.

Harry started to pull out his lighter, obviously for the cigar she was holding. Angel realised the plan had worked. Harry had forgotten all about Whack-‘em Bill behind the door. In all honesty it’s probably the best thing Harry could have done. Whack-‘em Bill had a habit of getting carried away if people didn’t fall over straight away.

Angel had to admire Whack-‘em Bill. She didn’t even hear him move, but the thick end of a wooden stick breaking around the back of Harry’s head told her all she needed to know. From the size of the stick, Angel figured Whack-‘em Bill had cursed himself for not moving the hat stand too.

Angel saw Harry’s eyes unfocus as he started falling forwards towards the desk. Before his body had come to a rest she was being helped out of the door, as Swimming-with-the-fishes Frank was coming out of the office across the hall.

[Umesha Chalanie]

She watches him, silently, her body split up into many different forms, physically seperated but essentially together. Nothing has happened for well over an hour, since the others had brought him. But she hadn't been in this place, or in this state of mind, then.

The fact he had showed up in her sacred water chalice undoubtedly showed her he was of some importance, whether minor or major. She had been given a vision, and it was up to her to decide what to do with it. So she had invoked a magick that had been outlawed many years before because of its danger. It was because of that she was where she was, her mind on a higher plane, yet still in control of her body - or at least, her bodies. For her body had been split into thousands of specks of lights, and it was in this way that she had travelled so quickly from her home to this place.

Perhaps this is a waste of time, she tells himself. The liklihood he will make a difference in this war is slim. He is only a mere mortal.

Her sight wanders around the room. She can see it ever so clearly, her mind processing a thousand different views and angles at the same time. It is unlike normal sight; it is more wonderful and joyous...

Her memory flashes back to her youth, when she was no more than a toddler. Strange that a seer should be born to blind parents, they had all said. She herself could never imagine being blind. To her, it was the ultimate -

Her thinking is cut of by the stirring of the man. She focuses again, watching and observing. He gets up, and staggers to a chair. Undoubtedly, he is suffering from some kind of injury. She makes up her mind then; her people are desperate, and they are in need of hero. Unlikely as it was, perhaps he could be it.

She calls her body together, starting to materialise and come out of the magickal trance. She can feel her mind swirling; it is dizzying and she starts to swoon. She loses awareness of all around her, focusing only on coming back into the world.

She opens her eyes, the process complete. She has her normal body back; the magick had done her no harm. Walking towards the young man, she sees his slumped form. What had happened while she was coming out of the trance?

[bing]

Bing enters the room.
"Dark, can't see."

[Electric Eden]

Hmmm, I suppose first of all I should introduce myself, this being my first post and all. I'm a young, just beginning writer in Columbus Ohio. I have not yet published anything, but soon I'll be submitting a few things to sffworld. There, that outta do it. Now here's my response to the exercise, comments and such would be appreciated:


“Alright, alright, I’ll go in!” Cried Julita as she was practically carried through the stone doorway. The two sorcerers to the sides of her looked at one another, nodded their heads, and then put her down. Julita saw them turn around and walk down the ancient hallway, their red cloaks dragging behind them as their feet pattered lightly in unison. She looked at the door. Knowing what she had to do, she pulled aside the curtain and walked confidently forwards, into a wide open space. To the sides were rows of stone support columns, extending way off in the distance, where sunlight was seeping in through designs in the stone walls. Julita could well hear the echo of her feet hitting the cold floor as she paced forwards. What caught her eye was right in front of her - in the center of the mysterious chamber. It was a fountain, an absolutely magnificent display of dragon and elf statues, all spurting clear water into a smooth, oval-shaped, stone tub. The suns rays shone through the continuous streams of water, making an array of bright rainbow colors dance up and down the flowing lines of water. Julita stared at the beautiful scene in front of her and listened to the soothing water sounds in awe. She reached the fountain and dipped her hands in the majestic fountain for a drink of water, wondering what was going to happen next. Jutila lay down beside the fountain and began to fall asleep. She had no trouble doing so with such serene surroundings. Suddenly, Jutita heard a loud banging noise. She awoke and turned towards the sound, and what she saw the the most horrifying thing she had ever seen--

[Hans]

Good descriptions guys, miles better than i could do, as I'm rubbish at english Lit. Though I will improve it over the next year hopefully.

Electric Eden, that was well done. Not too much description which would bore the reader.

what Happen's next?
What does she see?

[Hans]

Here I'll have a good.

Mike opens the heavy wooden door.
He doesn't know what he sees, for he is blind.

[Electric Eden]

Hmmm...lets just say she sees a dragon. A big mean one, that works. Now about yours--what does this blind man hear? What does he feel? What does he smell even?