View Full Version : Critque: Saelieni chap 1

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

March 4th, 2005, 06:46 AM
Okay, the first chapter for one of my projects is up in community. I was just wondering whether a few of you would mind reading it and giving me your impressions. Not a lot is meant to make sense in this first chapter... so don't be surprised when it doesn't. Mainly interested in whether or not I've managed to suspend disbelief in the crazy setting. And whether the characters work... although it is early days yet. The thing i'm mainly concerned about at the moment, however, is pacing. Does it move too fast?


Oh, and the prologue is at:


If you want to read it, or just in case you get confused.

March 4th, 2005, 11:29 AM
I think you've got it right. I just posted some feedback on your story. Of course now I'll need a favor from you. Check out my two stories and give me some feedback will ya?

This is part one


and this is part 2


March 4th, 2005, 10:07 PM
Thanks for the feedback. I'll read your story and provide some of my own as soon as I get a chance. Cheers!

March 5th, 2005, 02:48 PM
Beware . . . . spoilers.

I was waiting to see where the story goes after the intro. So far so good. You seem to be one with the ability to write smoothly, the pacing seems to be just about right. I have a few more detailed comments, feel free to take or leave these as you see fit. (One of these days I'll post a story so you can get revenge. ;) )

I'm thinking perhaps you should start the first paragraph with the setting, which, at the moment, is covered with a dust cloud. Then place the Collector in the midst of it. BTW, wouldn't the government send in a group of people for reconnaissance, not just one?

The description of the pipe (or should it perhaps be the Pipe), is uneven, is it dangerous or not? I suggest you pay more attention to how you describe it, or, more to the fact, what it does.

The Collector seems to be an interesting character, this isn't the same person who wrote the graffiti on the football? It doesn't seem like it's his style. You may want to solidify his "voice" some more, and, does he know as much as he seems to know, or not?

About Arthur, and BTW, I would suggest you give your characters last names, you may only use them once, but they should have them. He seems to hate the dust storm at first because it will mess up his car, then, when he is in it he likes dust storms. How many personalities does he have?

As a reader, I crave more clues to Melanie's age. At first I'm thinking somewhere in her teens, then younger, then older, then younger with parents who taught her how to think like a truck driver. I also suggest you work on the situation with her and the sword, my first thought is that I would move my head, carefully perhaps, but fear of it falling on my face would not be enough to keep me from moving my face out of the way, do you know what I mean? If you want to keep her under the sword, you may want to give her a better reason to stay under it.

After the car wreck, when Arthur finds out that the dog is a piece of taxidermy, you might want to add a phrase to explain how he knows that. Did he touch it? Did he see the glass eyes gliniting in the sandy colored sunshine? Your readers want to know.

When he's debating with himself about going to the hospital, and I know this is a picky detail, "He'd have to wait until someone came along . . ." soon followed by "He'd have to walk." I would change the first 'have to wait' to a 'should', because he knows waiting is not the best idea, but he still has to think about it for a moment.

Um . . . what size is the television set that is wedged in the road. I was thinking bigger, but then Arthur stepped over it.

I could be wrong, but wouldn't it be kind of hard to see that those things are thumbtacks that had riddled the body?

I know you are trying to be mysterious, to not give away everything in the first chapter, but you need to add more detail. I believe you can build the mystery of the 'overall picture' without sacrificing the texture of the present setting.

As always, the opinions expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect those of the thread in general . . . .

Write on :)

March 5th, 2005, 06:53 PM
Thanks for the help MrBF1V3. I've taken on most of what you said. Especially about the sword thing, you're right. I wouldn't stay under it either. There has to be...

(Gregorius heads back to the Plot Device Laboratory (PDL))

March 8th, 2005, 05:48 AM
Chapter 2 is up and ready to be torn to shreds! Hope you like it, any suggestions/grammar corrections etc. would be helpful.


Some of the formatting is wierd (like the first section and the note should be in italics) but... you should be able to get over it.


March 8th, 2005, 07:15 PM
Chapter 2 is up and ready to be torn to shreds!

I hope you don't consider what I do tearing your story to shreds. :eek: I just point out a few things fo you can improve what is already a pretty good story. I don't make too many comments on the good stuff, because you can't improve good stuff. If you post everything but the last chapter, I'll be upset.

Just so you know --SPOILERS---

There were a few things that jumped out at me:

William Garson shot him a look before speaking that Melanie couldn’t quite interpret,

At the risk of being considered sarcastic . . . I can't quite interpret. . . Perhaps 'Garson shot him a look before saying something that Melanie . . .' Did you mean what he says in the next line, or did he say something before introducing the three men? It isn't clear.

They passed a brief nod in her direction. They were both non-descript men, no distinguishing features worthy of mention.

I know what you mean, though perhaps if instead of highlighting that they are non-descript, you should highlight what they all look like--you know, army men.

Melanie would have placed him at about six foot three, and somewhere around a hundred kilograms or more.

I had a question here. What system would Melanie use? Or would they use feet and kilograms together?

The Collector is an interesting character, strange looking by his description. At this point it's hard to say what side he's on, although I'm thinking I wouldn't want to end up under his tender mercies.

And who wrote the note to Arthur? There may be more going on than we thought. (Dramatic music)
(Fade to black)

March 9th, 2005, 12:38 PM
Not a bad start at all. A few comments on the opening. I would start with the image of the Collector. He is an intriguing figure (more so than the Core at this point) and provides a nice ominous opening image. Also, I am having some trouble with the first two sentences as they are written. The first talks about how the Core had gathered well, but the second speaks of the extermination. I don't get the link between the two.

You've lost me a bit on the pipe, is that what the brown dust is expelled from, or am I being completely dense. I think you can drop the last two sentences of the that section. "He was sure of it" seems like a nice way to end the section before moving onto other things.

Sorry to nitpick, but the beginning definitely wants me to continue on.


March 10th, 2005, 07:30 PM
Thanks for the help guys! I'll get editing...

March 13th, 2005, 03:24 AM
Chapter 3 is up!!! <insert triumphant music here>

A few formatting issues I couldn't get around when submitting it...
The first bit should be in Italics, and the mathematical expression should read:

[(1267 x 56497)Infinite] + 1


Any comments, tips, suggestions would be good. Thanks in advance!