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Darth Angelus
March 4th, 2005, 02:57 PM

I am, obviously, a very new member at this site. This seems to be a very good place for people who are interested in writing in the Science Fiction and Fantasy genres because there seems to be others here who are willing to take a look at your stories. I like that.

I decided to post a Fantasy story I wrote a couple of months back. It is called Restoration of the deathless and can be found here (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/318p0.html).

At 27 pages, it is longer than most stories posted on this site. It is also pretty dark, and the ending may be a bit controversial. The character who wins is actually not a hero, but quite an unscruplous bad guy who does some quite ghastly stuff to achieve his end (which isn't as evil as the means by which he achieves said end).

The early part (first two pages) may be a bit slow, explaining the political situation in the world, and a major part of the story consists of conversations (although there is some action). Still, I hope people here shall find it a worthwhile read.

March 4th, 2005, 05:07 PM
Welcome to the site, Darth Angelus. Allow me to be the first to say that it's nice to see a story where the good guys aren't always the winner. I'll critique your story but I have to ask a favor from you as well. Please take a moment and critique my two stories, they're each about 6 pages long on this website.

This is part one


and here's part two


These two stories are still work in progress, but if you don't, check'em out, any feedback and comments are welcomed.

March 4th, 2005, 06:55 PM
One thing that you could do is try breaking your story into smaller chapters. That way our critiques could pinpoint the errors or highlight a section that we personally like. Oh and try and post it on other websites, too (www.Elfwood.com, the only problem with that one is that it's all formated in html). Your story is 27 pages long on this website, most people shy away from that length, breaking it down might help.

As for me, I think I'll side with the Immortal King... but what happened to the the president anyway?

Darth Angelus
March 5th, 2005, 04:01 AM
As for me, I think I'll side with the Immortal King...Heh. Well, let's just say it was always my intention to make his incentive perfectly understandable.

but what happened to the the president anyway?I don't want to spoil for others who might want to read the story, so you'll have to highlight the area below in order to be able to see the answer...

Just like virtually every other human in the world, she ceased to exist. I am not saying she died, because she didn't, at least not in the ordinary sense. She just stopped being when the time reversal took place (because she obviously wasn't alive at the point in time approximately a millennium earlier that the Immortal King reversed the world to).
Normally, humans would get reborn every now and then (their souls get installed in new bodies). The exception would be when someone's soul is destroyed, because then they would get ripped out of the timeline and not even a time reversal could restore their soul. Thanks to Nelanor taking her out of the way of the soul-sucking spell, her soul wasn't destroyed, though, so she would eventually be reborn, as another person.

I have read the first section of your story, by the way, and commented on it in your thread for it.

Edited to include our groovy new spoiler tags... Jacquin

March 5th, 2005, 11:19 AM
Ah, I see. I would've expected Nelanor to use his powers to somehow save her so he could have a witness or proof that the Immortal King used the forbidden spell. But anyway, tell me if you plan to write anymore about this story.

Darth Angelus
March 5th, 2005, 11:32 AM
Ah, I see. I would've expected Nelanor to use his powers to somehow save her so he could have a witness or proof that the Immortal King used the forbidden spell. But anyway, tell me if you plan to write anymore about this story.
Formidable as Nelanor is (although not as great is the Immortal King himself, obviously), there are some things that cannot be done. Even if he could have kept her alive through the time reversal, the Immortal King could have covered it up. Nelanor's own word would carry more weight with the Immortal Queen than some human's, anyway.
As for the continued story, I have been thinking about it (alternatively, a story taking place a few years after the majority of the Immortals were wiped out). What happens after the time reversal, anyway, is that the Immortal Queen notices subtle changes in her husband and eventually figures out that something isn't right. After that, she is far more inclined to believe Nelanor about what happened. She will not approve of what her husband did, and when the story becomes known among the Immortals, their people is split into two camps; a good one with the Queen as the leader and Nelanor as another prominent figure, and an evil one with the King at the top.

March 5th, 2005, 01:30 PM
Ah, I see, I see. Evil is the new thread of life. Anyway, write on!

Darth Angelus
March 20th, 2005, 04:06 AM
All right.

I'd like to report that I have put spaces between the paragraphs now. I have also split my story into three sections...

Part I (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/356p0.html)

Part II (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/357p0.html)

Part III (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/358p0.html)

This may make my story a more manageable read, I hope.