PDA

View Full Version : Critique:any views are welcome


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Pages : [1] 2

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 04:12 AM
i'm new to this website and i have just posted a story on the community and i would be grateful for any views or criticisms.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/322p0.html

tooeviltoknow
March 5th, 2005, 10:35 AM
Hey there, welcome to sffworld. It's nice to see a few new faces, lol. I just posted some feedback on your story, go check it out.

Of course, now I need a favor from you, check out these two stories, will you. Any feedbacks or comments would be welcomed.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/255p0.html

and this is the second part

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/300p0.html

Have a nice day and keep on writing.

Expendable
March 5th, 2005, 10:58 AM
Your begining is promising but you've got some massive info dumps here.


Each individual has a different type of skill, although some types of skills seem to be inherited generation after generation. There are seven types of skills to represent the seven trees of Vinlay, legendary trees that were thought to have been brought by the giants during the war of the kin...
Too much too soon - its enough for now to show she's telekenetic and to suggest others have those skills.


(For personal interest a growler is a red dog-like creature, which has green horns that scale along the top of its spine. Each year is named after a person or thing for a cycle of fifteen years, hence the year of the growler).
So much information and you're just dying to share it all with us. Why not show us a growler later, maybe penned up in someone's yard? Or aren't they kept as pets? Figure out a fun way to show off your unique calendar without telling us about it.

In the Chinese Calendar, its believed that people born in a certain year show certain traits, and will not get along with their opposite types. Is this the same for your world too?


The sound of Kai’s, her brothers, footsteps rushing down the stairs and the front door slamming could be heard as Kai rushed out of the house as he does every m morning. Kai is seven years older than Blaze, making him twenty-two, although at times he behaves younger. Blaze doesn’t really talk to her brother much, even though they used to be close when she was younger.
This needs editing to make it smoother. Don't do the adding up for the reader, either tell them out right or let them figure it out.


Normally he locks himself in his room most of the time to avoid confrontation with his father, as they argue whenever they are in the same room as each other. In fact her father is the reason why she and Kai don’t talk any more. When Blaze was twelve Kai and her father had a blazing row which resulted in Kai moving out for several weeks, refusing to come home. It was aunt Jinsie that persuaded him to come home but things have never been the same since then, and Blaze still doesn’t know why. They mostly argue about how Kai refusing to go to college and as a consequence Kai has isolated himself from the rest of the family.
Infodump again - instead of telling us about the fight, why not try to work it into the story. Aunt Jinsie maybe trying to persuade Kai once again to sit at the table and not to rush out of the house, he refusing and then adding the details how he'd changed since coming back from the big fight.

Showing is better than telling.


“Shall we tell them? Or shall I wait until the day?” she heard aunt Jinsie’s voice questioning her father.
“Lets leave it for now, I’m not ready to tell them and we don’t know how they will take it. I don’t want then to be distracted from their studies” her father’s deep voice could be heard. “Anyway this is my problem not yours”
Good use of dialogue, pulls the reader right in. It sounds like something special is waiting for Kai and Blase. But if this is something that happens regularly, some rite of passage into adulthood in this society, wouldn't Kai and Blaze already know about it? Seen the older kids go through it? Or at least heard whispers from their friends?

Love your main character, she's very real. Try to give your other characters some more dimension.

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 04:44 PM
In the Chinese Calendar, its believed that people born in a certain year show certain traits, and will not get along with their opposite types. Is this the same for your world too?

Infodump again - instead of telling us about the fight, why not try to work it into the story. Aunt Jinsie maybe trying to persuade Kai once again to sit at the table and not to rush out of the house, he refusing and then adding the details how he'd changed since coming back from the big fight.

Showing is better than telling.

. Try to give your other characters some more dimension.

in regards to the chinese character no. if i did that then a lot of my characters would be similar and i wanted a mixed variety of characters. The cycle of fifteen years has something to do with how the earth renews itself which is seen in certain religions.

The fight isnt a neccesary point as Aunt Jinsie and the father arent init for muchof the story. I only put in this because i wanted to portray Kai as the rebelious youth.

As for giving the other characeters more dimension as i said before Aunt Jinsie and Deagan shyler are only 'passers by' if yiou can call them that and they dont really partake too much in this book . The only two characters that continue into the story are darita and Blaze. further in the chapter you (which i havent posted) you learn a great deal more about Darita and the 'type' of person she is.

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 04:48 PM
i forgot to add thanks for checking out the begining of my story . ive actually finnished the first draft for the book and i am writing the sequel to it. I decided that i better get some criticisms before i do the long painful process of revising it. lol :)

Expendable
March 5th, 2005, 10:35 PM
i forgot to add thanks for checking out the begining of my story . ive actually finnished the first draft for the book and i am writing the sequel to it. I decided that i better get some criticisms before i do the long painful process of revising it. lol :)

You're welcome! ^__^

Just an idea, why not show that brother's rebellousness by having him get into a fight before running off, then have that scene with Auntie and Dad?

Nini!

marymoonshine
March 6th, 2005, 08:44 AM
You're welcome! ^__^

Just an idea, why not show that brother's rebellousness by having him get into a fight before running off, then have that scene with Auntie and Dad?

Nini!


hmmm interesting i dont know if it would work then, because if there was a row then Blaze would atomatically run downstairs when she heard fighting and then that way she would never hear the converstaion between her father and Aunt Jinsie. Good suggestion though. A fight occurs betweenthe father and Kai in chapter two though. I internded this scene to be a 'establishing the scene' scene if youknow what i mean.

michaelS0620
March 6th, 2005, 09:27 AM
I am going to nitpick the first paragraph. Nothing personal :) I am just going through what I see. Hopefully I will have time to go through the rest.



‘Every day is the same’ Blaze Shyler thought to herself as she lunged herself out of bed.
Lunged doesn't seem to fit here. Her mood seems one of boredeom and monotony. She would probably get up slowly, turgidly, regretting the morning. You can remove "to herself" in that line. I notice this in a lot of stories. Unless she is using ESP and is thinking to someone else, you can leave it out.


Every day is the same’ Blaze Shyler thought to herself as she lunged herself out of bed. ‘I get up, I get washed, I get washed, I get dressed. I then go down stairs where Aunt Jinsie says every morning- in her high pitched ageing voice – “would you like peanut butter and marmalade with pancakes or toast dear?” Then father walks in , drinks his banana juice and then sets of to work or goes on one of his expeditions where he doesn’t return for days on end!’ Thought Blaze grudgingly.
The "voice" she is thinking in sounds too much like yours (as the author). Especially as she appears exasperated and annoyed. And you have two indicators of Blaze thinking. I would remove some of the words, to make it more punchy.


"Every day is the same," Blaze Shyler thought. "I get up, washed, dressed. Then down the stairs where Aunty says "Would you like peanut butter and marmalade with pancakes or toast dear?” Then father walks in, drinks his banana juice, and he's off to work, or on some never ending expedition!'


Why I didn't do here is add Blaze's opinions (which I think you should do). Does she find the banana juice gross? If so say it there. Does father walk in, or does he march in, or does he shuffle in. Filtering the desciption through Blaze's eyes will give her more of a personality and make her seem more real, riht from the get go.

Michael

marymoonshine
March 6th, 2005, 11:14 AM
I am going to nitpick the first paragraph. Nothing personal :) I am just going through what I see. Hopefully I will have time to go through the rest.


Lunged doesn't seem to fit here. Her mood seems one of boredeom and monotony. She would probably get up slowly, turgidly, regretting the morning. You can remove "to herself" in that line. I notice this in a lot of stories. Unless she is using ESP and is thinking to someone else, you can leave it out.


The "voice" she is thinking in sounds too much like yours (as the author). Especially as she appears exasperated and annoyed. And you have two indicators of Blaze thinking. I would remove some of the words, to make it more punchy.


Why I didn't do here is add Blaze's opinions (which I think you should do). Does she find the banana juice gross? If so say it there. Does father walk in, or does he march in, or does he shuffle in. Filtering the desciption through Blaze's eyes will give her more of a personality and make her seem more real, riht from the get go.

Michael

jebus!
i used the word lunged because she didnt want to get out of bed but she knew she had to. Getting out of the bed slowly would not have relflected her character because Blaze is the type of character who lieks and adventure so even though she is bored of her routine she likes to get up just in case the day brings something special. Hence she lunged because partly she doesnt wnt to get up to the same routine but partly because she wants to get up in case the day brings something new.

i wouldnt say shes exasperated but more frustrated. a daily routine is enough for anyone to go mad

i thinkyour right about the voice though. i think i should definetely miss out someofthedescriptions ( epsecially about her aunts voice - no one would thinkthatin theirthoughts reallywouldthey. il just use it when her aunts talking. oops i said i get washed twice. i think il keep the bit about the father the way it is though because i just wanted to show that the father doesnt talk to his daughter at all and that they have no relationship.

Bannana juice is the norm for people there so i dont really think i would have to put an opinion in there. it would be like one of us waking up and suddenly decide to tell people about what you think about orange juice if you get what i mean.

i think il chaneg the father to striding in, he's got a strict personality but he's no drill sergeant so i think striding would be good.

This paragraph is basically just informing the reader of the world that she lives in . As its in the third person omniscient (sorry if ive spelt it wrong) i didnt want to delve too closely into her personality to early on as i thought it might make it seem to first person-ish but il see if i can tweak it a bit to get a few more hints at her pesonality.

Thanks very much for posting your comments i really really apreciate it.Its always good to hear criticisms because then i know where i'm going wrong.

Sorry if some gaps are missing in my text my space bar isnt functioning properly

michaelS0620
March 6th, 2005, 12:06 PM
jebus!

Sorry if I overwhelmed you! :)



i used the word lunged because she didnt want to get out of bed but she knew she had to. Getting out of the bed slowly would not have relflected her character because Blaze is the type of character who lieks and adventure so even though she is bored of her routine she likes to get up just in case the day brings something special. Hence she lunged because partly she doesnt wnt to get up to the same routine but partly because she wants to get up in case the day brings something new.


This is good, as is shows character. The problem is that you don't get this from reading the story. I think it would definitely be worth spending a sentence (or even a clause) . For instance "Blaze lunged out of bed, knowing today would bring nothing that yesterday didn't bring, bust she lunged out of bed just the same." That's crap, but you know what I mean :)