PDA

View Full Version : New Member - hello :)


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Saedolin
March 5th, 2005, 09:34 AM
Hey :)

Just joined the forum. Ameteur writer, about half way through my (as yet untitled) first novel; I have about 50,000 words so far. Just thought I'd slap up my prologue so anyone interested could get a feel for my writing (I'd do a synopsis, but the premise is complicated and right now I can't be arsed :P). The actual novel takes place nine years after this piece, so it just kind of sets things up. Any comments/criticisms more than welcome - my friends are less than literary...

ttfn x

Prologue



“Karahbella, wake up!”
Luella shook her niece violently, snapping her from the long-awaited luxury of sleep. Her eyes rolled open, glazed and vacant, as she fell sideways out of her bed.
“Get up, child!” Luella hissed, yanking her by the wingtips to her feet. Karahbella groaned throatily in discomfort, rubbing her eyes and attempting to gain her bearings.
“What…what’s wrong?” She stuttered, registering her aunt’s urgent expression. Luella knelt down for a second, stroking the fiery waves of hair from the child’s cheeks. She was barely nine years old.
“You have to go,” she demanded, voice strained. “Your father is coming.”
Karahbella flinched. “He always comes.” She rubbed her bruised calves together and lowered her gaze shamefully. I’m used to it.
Luella sprang back up again and shoved her towards the doorway of the cave.
“Not this time, child. This time will be the last. You must run.”
Karahbella stared up at her in frozen horror. Her bottom lip trembled until she bit into it hard, taking a deep breath.
“But…where will I go…?”
“Yao will show you. He’ll take you to the right path.”
Karahbella glanced up as her cousin stepped out of the dancing shadows. He stood tall at three years older, yet his eyes betrayed blistering dread.
“But where will I go after that?” She urged, panicking. “This is my home!”
Yao grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the door.
“There’s no time, Karah. We - we have to go -”
She resisted, solid as marble, and for a second he was unable to move her. Then a splintering voice sprang into her eardrums, rippling down the stone walls of the nearby caves.
“He’s coming,” She whispered. Luella nodded silently at Yao, and gritting his teeth, he forced Karahbella through the doorway. She struggled to keep up with his clumsy speed.
“Karahbella!” Naza yelled from behind, his voice splitting in his dried old throat. She turned to search for him, but Yao yanked her forwards.
“Don’t look back!” He hissed, quickening his pace down the dim Main Passage of Underorph City. Their footsteps shook the silence with deafening thuds, and Karahbella knew he was gaining on them. She squeezed her eyes shut and trusted her friend to guide her.
“W-where are we going?” She wheezed. They sprinted a few more paces round spiralling corners, until Yao dipped into a small alcove and tugged aside a leather curtain.
“This one, Karah - “ He paused to cough in the dust, “It’s a decoy. The passage behind it leads nowhere. But a few feet in…there’s a hole, in the ceiling. Go up. It will take you to the mines, and - and it’s the last place they’ll look for you - ”
“I can’t…I’ll never see you again, or -“
“If you don’t go now, he’ll kill you! He’ll be here any second!” Yao’s eyes watered, maybe from the dust.
“Come with me!” She begged, squeezing both his hands. “Then I won’t be so-so afraid….”
“I can’t!” He shook his head, avoiding her desperate eyes. “Look, I’ll come and find you. One day…when they’ve forgotten.”
“If you were my friend, you’d come with me now! If you -“ Please -
Her strained whisper morphed to a scream, as her father’s emaciated hand grabbed hold of her ankle and she landed with a thud on her back.
“I’ve got you, little curse!” Naza squealed, splattering her face with spit.
She struggled a second…and froze. A dagger grinned obnoxiously in his left hand.
“Y-Yao…?”
It was useless - Yao was already running away, with not a single glance over his shoulder. He hasn’t left me, has he? H-has he…?
“You’re all alone now,” her father hissed in cold, croaking tones. “But you’re used to that, aren’t you?”
“I’m - I’m…”
Her father cackled. He pulled the dagger forward, tracing the sharp tip down her abdomen. It slit through the thin fabric of her shabby dress, grazing her skin. I’m going to die. I’m - I’m…She breathed slowly and deeply.
“Is that making you shiver? Is it?”
She began to edge back from beneath him, flinching as the gaunt skin of her wings scraped against the floor of the alcove.
“Don’t think you can outsmart me, witch!” He hissed, and Karahbella wheezed loudly as the dagger slammed into her left side and twisted, grazing the inside of her hipbone. She coughed and squealed all at once, breath spewing as fast as blood. Naza’s features scrunched in morbid satisfaction, and she swallowed vomit as he drew the dagger out of her guts, raising it above her again. Maybe if I just lie still -
“That’s enough!” Barked one of the two Orphmongers who were suddenly surrounding them. Karahbella didn’t know whether to cry out for pain or relief, but she prayed the soldiers would put a swift end to her misery.
“Leave us!” Naza growled back. He seemed unsurprised to see them and quickly turned back to Karahbella, snarling with rotten teeth. But no sooner had he raised his dagger again, the Orphmongers accosted him and pinned back his arms, knocking the weapon to the floor with a loud clink.
“I said, leave us! Get off, you imbeciles!” He struggled with the two soldiers, and through her smudged vision, Karahbella saw her chance to escape. One hand clamped over her oozing wound, she grasped a rock with the other and used it to lever herself up. She steadied herself against the wall and tucked back her wings, then eased back the leather curtain and crawled into the small tunnel. Hold your breath - huuuuuh - and don’t look back. It was barely big enough to hold her, thick with flint and dust.
“She’s getting away!” Her father squealed in desperation, still struggling by the sound of it. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself further along the tunnel on her arms, her skirt soaking up the crimson that dribbled steadily from her belly. Her cramped wings found the hole in the ceiling, and her arms flat against her, she wriggled up until she was encased, upright, in powdery mud.
“We’ll find her,” She heard the Orphmonger shout at her Father, “but you’re coming with us!”
That’s it…take him, drag him, GO AWAY -
“Where is she?” Demanded the other soldier. “Just a second ago, I swear she was…” His footsteps quaked in her skull as he stepped forward, tearing the curtain aside. She felt the swoosh of air as he thrust an arm in, groping round the tunnel.
“She can’t have gone down here. It’s not even finished, just a few feet deep - “
Huuuuuuh - !
“She escaped! I should kill you both!” Her father’s voice remained threatening, yet grew further and further from her ears. Karahbella didn’t stop to listen to their arguments. Somewhere not too far away, the Orph trembled an earthy groan of torment, and Karahbella whispered a goodbye in reply. A few minutes ago she had been ready to die, but now, her resolution hardened. I will run, but I will stay alive.

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 09:48 AM
i thought it was really good a bit morbid, in regards to the violence, but good all the same. Only one thing i have to say is that i found the main girl a bit mature for a nine year old.

I'm new too!

Saedolin
March 5th, 2005, 09:53 AM
It's difficult to write from a child's point of view -my narrator is omniscient, so I just have the "thoughts" and dialogue to play with.

Do I take "morbid" as a bad thing...? Hehehe...

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 10:01 AM
no lol every fantasy story has elements of morbid in them lol Mine story certainly does lol.

tooeviltoknow
March 5th, 2005, 10:06 AM
Another new writer, welcome to sffworld. Try posting your story in the Community Homepage as well, that way you could get more feedback and a ranking on your story. The prologue isn't that bad, although I wouldn't mind if you'd explained why Karahbella's father was after her, is it bacacuse of the wings or something else. Lol, anyway I'm just an ameteur writer like you.

Of course I'm gonna have to ask a favor from you as well.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/255p0.html

and here's the second part

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/300p0.html

and feedback or comments would be welcomed.

Expendable
March 5th, 2005, 10:07 AM
Nine won't work. I can't see her running away alone at nine, especially after being saved by the soldiers. Can you make her at least eleven, or have the cousin join her after the soldiers leave?

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 10:16 AM
"[QUOTE=tooeviltoknow]Another new writer, welcome to sffworld. Try posting your story in the Community Homepage as well, that way you could get more feedback and a ranking on your story. The prologue isn't that bad, although I wouldn't mind if you'd explained why Karahbella's father was after her, is it bacacuse of the wings or something else. Lol, anyway I'm just an ameteur writer like you.

Of course I'm gonna have to ask a favor from you as well.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/255p0.html"

ive read the first part and i think its good. you keep mixing your tenses but i do that all the time . i thought your characters were good and i liked the whole god aspect.

marymoonshine
March 5th, 2005, 10:18 AM
now i ask a favour of you. i have posted the begning of chapter one of my book on the communtiy and i would be grateful if you will give criticisms

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/322p0.html

Saedolin
March 5th, 2005, 10:40 AM
"The prologue isn't that bad, although I wouldn't mind if you'd explained why Karahbella's father was after her, is it bacacuse of the wings or something else."

Why her father is after her is the point of the story; I'm going to post up bits of what I have in the stories section soon (I've already posted the prologue now, but it's not showing up on the homepage just yet. Is that normal?!). I'm hoping this mystery will make people read on after the prologue.

All the characters have wings...except one. To put it crudely, they're the genetically modified survivors of a post-apocalyptic world. Again, when I post up more of the story I'm hoping most of this will explain itself (so do let me know if it doesn't!).

"Nine won't work. I can't see her running away alone at nine, especially after being saved by the soldiers. Can you make her at least eleven, or have the cousin join her after the soldiers leave?"

I'm playing with ages at the moment. Her cousin doesn't join her until nine years later, when he reaches twenty one - the idea is that she is a child the last time he sees her. Would eleven work this way? Let me know :)

I will look at both of your stories (marymoonshine and tooeviltoknow), and post up a rating when I can think of anything worth saying, hehe. Thanks for responding to mine.

Expendable
March 5th, 2005, 11:15 AM
"Nine won't work. I can't see her running away alone at nine, especially after being saved by the soldiers. Can you make her at least eleven, or have the cousin join her after the soldiers leave?"

I'm playing with ages at the moment. Her cousin doesn't join her until nine years later, when he reaches twenty one - the idea is that she is a child the last time he sees her. Would eleven work this way? Let me know
At nine you're still desperate to believe it'll all work out, that you can be a family, that you can fix it. You cling, try to do stuff to make the person hurting you happy. You might run away but you'd come back.

At twelve, your body's in the middle of changing and you're a little more independent, a little cynical. Easier to rebel, to run away.