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MrBF1V3
March 8th, 2005, 02:16 AM
Hi, I have posted a story in the community section. The link is:

www.sffworld.com/community/story/329p0.html

Comments are welcome, really.

Did the story keep you reading after the first page? Do you care about the characters? Do they stay in character? Did I butcher the language? Did I give away too much before the end? Did I leave too much for (you) the reader to figure out?

Thanks in advance.

B5

PS--I know it's somewhat long. If it would help, I would be glad to e-mail the story to you, just PM me and let me know.

MrBF1V3
March 9th, 2005, 02:43 AM
How about a related question:

Virtual stories, been done to death, or still an open field?

What do you think?
B5

Dawnstorm
March 9th, 2005, 02:54 AM
How about a related question:

Virtual stories, been done to death, or still an open field?

What do you think?
B5

I realised Virtual Stories have been done to death when The Matrix was new and people who have never read SF told me how mindblowing the concept was (re. reality), and I couldn't figure out what about the Matrix was mindblowing.

But then people still come up with good love stories, so that's that I suppose.

Zanzibar
March 9th, 2005, 12:06 PM
This is one of the best stories I've read on this site. The characters are all well-established and the world is presented in such a way that it is believable without being tired. The length isn't a problem when the story is as interesting as it is.

michaelS0620
March 9th, 2005, 12:19 PM
I've read the first 3 pages, and have a couple of comments. Overall, I think its pretty good, but I did notice a few things.

1) I would like to see some more sensory detail, especially in the first two pages. It doesn't have to be paragraph's worth, but I am having a hard time keeping the scene in my mind as I have nothing to focus on.

2) Drop the line,"It seemed he did have a mystery on his hands." Its telegraphing, and we dont need it. If you feel you must have it, then change the diction so that it is Sharpe's thought, not the author's.

3) A nit pick, but would the characters use the term "Virtual Net" when speaking to one another, or would they go with a shorter, more slang term like v net, virnet, or just net.

I will read more later and get back with some more comments.

Michael

MrBF1V3
March 9th, 2005, 06:05 PM
Zanzibar--very kind of you, glad you liked it. I might have to disagree somewhat. I've read some pretty good stories in the community. ( I think someone recently started a thread for us to list our favorites.)

michaelS0620--Thank you for your commments.

1)That's why I get other people to read my stories, I know the picture I was trying to paint, but I don't always transmit it effectively. I will see if I can't make it a bit more clear without doing a dreaded scene setting info dump.

2)I'll take a look at the line. At that point I do need something to wrap up the scene. In that place the POV is following Sharpe, so it would also follow his thoughts. Let me try it a few other ways, maybe it could be better.

3)I don't think it's too much of a nit pick, but I want to make sure the reader understands where this is taking place. On the other hand, Spider would be most likely to use the shorter, slang term, unless there is a rude slang term for him to use. Sharpe would be less likely to use a slang term, he is used to being precise. Geste could go either way, he's a business man who lives for the weekends. So while I don't think there would be agreement over the terms they use (BTW-is this the internet, or the world wide web?), I think I'll go back and double check who is saying what.

Thanks, this is great.
B5

MrBF1V3
March 9th, 2005, 06:18 PM
I realised Virtual Stories have been done to death when The Matrix was new and people who have never read SF told me how mindblowing the concept was (re. reality), and I couldn't figure out what about the Matrix was mindblowing.

But then people still come up with good love stories, so that's that I suppose.

Hey DS, how are you?

I thought people liked the Matrix for the special effects :rolleyes: , or the woman in red :cool: .

Although, virtual is a setting, like pirate movies. Love stories are a genre, or maybe a story element in any number of genres.

Just a thought.
B5

Dawnstorm
March 10th, 2005, 02:50 AM
Hey DS, how are you?

I thought people liked the Matrix for the special effects :rolleyes: , or the woman in red :cool: .

I thought it was a very stylish movie, but people around me did talk about "wow, what if it's all fake?" It was a line of thought new to them (and why not), whereas it was an old hat to me, and not even particularly well done, IMO.

Can't remember a woman in red...


Although, virtual is a setting, like pirate movies. Love stories are a genre, or maybe a story element in any number of genres.

Just a thought.
B5

VR = setting. Love story = plot device (which turns into story if dominant). Both = elements of story telling.

I don't know if I had a point to begin with, but if a Hollywood hit uses VR in non-inspiring way it's a sure sign that VR is now officially a staple and free to be used in non-inspiring, bland ways; or as an excuse for special effects.

Luckily for writerers, that's not an imperative. :D

***

Heven't read any other posts in this thread, as I want to be unbiased if I ever find the time to read your story (kinda busy right now...).

MrBF1V3
March 10th, 2005, 04:08 PM
DS--I know what you mean about having no time. No worries.
I Think you'll enjoy this one. It isn't the next story after Escapade and Goodbye, it's actually the fourth story, and it only has Sharpe in it.
But this one doesn't fit into the timeline, or, I should say, could fit into the timeline in several places.

I think setting is an important story element, but not the most important element. Or, maybe more to the point, having a killer setting isn't all there is to a killer story.
B5

Holbrook
March 12th, 2005, 01:34 PM
Ok here goes and it is only my opinion ;)

Overall impressions.

The two switches of POV from Sharpe to Geste. I think the two smaller Sharpe sections need to be more differentiated, say by putting them in italics. As they are they get lost and a little confused with the rest as the same characters are in both.

Truly seems to be a bit of a clichéd answer to the problem it was here all along and we did not know it sort of thing.

Would like to have seen more of the committee, that section seemed rushed as if you wanted to get to the end.

The dialogue between Spider and Sharpe was good. It showed you knew these characters inside out and were at ease writing them. It was easy to follow and drove the plot well.

The overall idea was interesting, loved the committee idea.

A few nit picks He just couldn’t seem to make himself stop sometimes it feels like a wasted sentence as you have already told you reader this in the previous one in another way.

I think some else mentioned about “It seemed he did have a mystery on his hands… oh watch the seem, seemed and seemingly. Stuff is very rarely that, it is either or not… more positive if possible. If you “seem” a lot it makes you sound as if you are not sure, if that makes sense.

The sentence It was rude to ask one about his exploits in virtual There rather than his in this sentence.

Hope that helps.