[wolfgang]

Hi everyone,

I have a submission up in the short stories called The Last Mage, and I would appreciate any feedback. The formatting has been fixed, so it is much easier to read now.

Thanks,

Aaron Wolfe

[bir]

( Will Return Critiques ) ?
anyways didnt u post this thread b4?

[wastra]

Hey Aaron,

I read your story. first, let me say the new formatting is better. there are still several grammatical mistakes that you might look into fixing.

The basic concept of the story was interesting, I have to admit. You might want to work jsut a bit on character development. I didn't really get a sense for the characters by their words. You see, each person has a unique way of speaking which reflects their personality- you should be able to portray that in the dialogue. One character should be curt, another friendly, another gruff and abbrasive, etc.

This is a problem many authors have with short stories- they make them too short. With the exception of excerpts, short stories shold be much longer than 3-5 pages. Ideally, a short story, particularly one of this nature, should be about 15 pages. this should be enough to expand on the ideas you've started on and allow you develope the ideas into a story.

It's a good start, just take the next step and expand it.

[Xayn]

I really liked this story.
I don't think that it is too short. But should you intend to make it longer anyway, I'd suggest you simply write part 2 more elaborately, "live" so to speak, rather than telling the events in retrospect.
Had there not been a part 2 at all I would have liked it just as well, though for different reasons.
Other than missing commas here and there, I didn't come across anything wrong with it much in its entirety.
On the first page however, (and there only) were quite a few grammar blunders.
I especially liked the style you (consistently!) wrote this in, and the mood you created thereby.
Nice read. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif