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JRMurdock
March 10th, 2005, 12:37 PM
Since we've shifted focus on the writing forum from exercies to critiques, I thought I'd join in the game. (Hey Jaq, are we going to try exercises again one day?)

Every write a story and wonder where the conflit is? Perhaps it's just getting through the day.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/333p0.html

choppy
March 10th, 2005, 06:00 PM
Read it. No time to write critique. Will post later.

choppy
March 11th, 2005, 10:38 AM
Alright, I have some time now.

Overall I really liked this story. I'd say that it had the air of a children's book/story to it, although I'd hesistate to put it in the kid's section of a library. The imagery is very vivid. I think I had a good picture of Ken through the whole story. Very comical. It remined me of Shawn of the Dead in a lot of ways.

A you pointed out, the central conflict is not apparent. I believe there is something there, though. As it stands, I'm glad the story ended where it did. The humour had the potential to get old real quick, but I think you cut it off just in time.

One thing that I really started to think about was the rate at which he seems to be falling apart. At one point you mention that the girl has only been dead for six years and to Ken this seemed like she was young, so I can only assume he's been living as a zombie for a lot longer. The thing is, if he's falling aparts as quickly as he is, then it would seem after six years of this he'd be nothing but scattered body parts. Or does he somehow regenerate?

Herein lies the conflict. Without much effort you could twist this a little and have the story read like Ken's last chance for love before he completely falls apart.

Anyway, definately a good read as is. It made me smile on an otherwise sad day.

Cheers!

JRMurdock
March 11th, 2005, 01:01 PM
Anyway, definately a good read as is. It made me smile on an otherwise sad day.

And this was the entire point of the story. :)


I've given some thought to re-writing this story, but feel it'll lose something if I try to add to it or try to twist it into a real story. I'm sure I could, but for now, it'll just remain entertaining. :D

J.R.

Oh, thanks for giving it a read. I do appreciate it.

MrBF1V3
March 11th, 2005, 02:15 PM
To quote those who've read my story: "This isn't the kind of thing I would usually read." :)

Which brings me to . . . Great story, good images, the pacing seemed just about right, warped sense of humor. I had the feeling that everything was falling apart, I know what thats like.

One minor detail, (I didn't find much need for improvement in the structure at all) When Ken shows up at work, Mmmmmm s at the security guard, then suddenly Arthur is talking to him. I suggest a transition of some kind there, just a phrase maybe, like,

'Ken looked at the guard, said Mmmmmmm, and hobbled into the building.'

Other than that, good stuff.

Did I say 'warped', or 'twisted'?

I have to go wash my hands.
B5