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Tari
March 18th, 2005, 09:04 AM
Hey

To cut a long story short i need some constructive feedback on the pieces below ASAP (tis due on Monday) i'll give you some background infor on both.

the piece at the bottom is the original and was writen on the spot in a 10min time span and the top piece is the extended version. neither have been edited so i apologise in advance for my bad punctuation and any spelling errors but because of skool i haven't had any time to edit it. but i would love some feedback from anyone.

i'd be grateful. thanks

~ Tari


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Untitled]

By Rebecca Alosi 13/3/05

A thick fog clawed it’s way across the abandoned street. There was no moon this night for the clouds dominated the sky. Barry shivered, he’d forgotten the last time he’d felt the sun on his now ghostly pale complexion. He glanced across at his older sister. Betty was walking tall and proud, her hair wisped across her face as she walked. She hadn’t always been this proud. She reminded Barry of their mum, tall and strong with long black hair. Betty, he whispered under his breath so she couldn’t hear. How long had it been since someone had called her that? They all called her Kal now. Kal was not like the Betty, Barry had known. Betty was kind and loving but Kal, Kal was different. She had a heart of ice and eye‘s to match but still Barry still saw her as his older, loving sister, the girl she had once been. A dog barked nearby, Barry jumped grabbing hold of Betty’s blood stained shirt. Betty recoiled slightly at Barry’s touch. He wasn’t supposed to have seen but he had but there was nothing she could do about it now. She sensed his fear. Fear of being caught, his fear of his now unknown life. Fear of her, his own sister, his only family left. She glanced down at his frail, ragged figure. She could see it in his eyes, it was etched all over his face. He reeked of it. She remembered Arken and how she had been able to smell his fear before she killed him. But the fear etched all over her little brother was not that sort of fear, it was a fear of her and who she had become. She slinked into a side alley, quickly pulling Barry after her. She crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in hers. Barry’s eyes were skittering everywhere, searching for something else to focus on something other then Betty’s eyes. Betty had her mothers eyes, icy blue and hypnotising. Barry feared those eyes and she knew it. He feared them like everyone else in their coven did. Betty was powerful and now he understood just how powerful, first hand.
“I did it for the Coven. I did it for us, Baz, for us.” she whispered . . . . . . . .



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Original
By Rebecca Alosi 10/3/05


A thick fog clawed its way across the abandoned street. There was no moon this night for the clouds dominated the sky. Barry shivered, he’d forgotten how the sun had once felt on his now ghostly pale skin. He glanced across at his older sister. Betty was walking tall and proud, her black hair wisped across her face as she walked. A dog barked in the distance, Barry jumped grabbing hold of Betty’s blood stained shirt. Betty recoiled slightly at his touch. He wasn’t supposed to see what had happened but he had and there was nothing she could do about it now. She glanced down at his frail, ragged figure, she cold see it in his eyes, it was etched into his face. Fear. She stepped off into a side alley pulling barry with her. She crouched down in front of him. Barry franticly searched for somewhere else to look but was caught by betty’s eyes. He feared those eyes like everyone else in their coven did. Betty was powerful and no he’d seen it first hand.
“I did it for the coven. I did it for us, Baz.” she whispered.

Expendable
March 18th, 2005, 04:17 PM
A thick fog clawed it’s way across the abandoned street.
'Its', not 'it's'.


Betty was walking tall and proud, her hair wisped across her face as she walked. 'Wisped' is the wrong tense, try 'wisping'. We already know she's walking, why are you saying it twice in this sentence?

I'd start a new paragraph here but that's me.


Betty, he whispered under his breath so she couldn’t hear.
Put in quotes around the speaking part.


She had a heart of ice and eye‘s to match but still Barry still saw her as his older, loving sister, the girl she had once been.
Point of View change, end this paragraph here and start a new one.


He wasn’t supposed to have seen but he had but there was nothing she could do about it now.
What did he see?


Fear of being caught, his fear of his now unknown life.
Why is he afraid? What is he afraid of? What's happened to him? Think about this sentence.


She slinked into a side alley, quickly pulling Barry after her.
Start a new paragraph, you're going from introspection to action. Also, 'quickly' isn't needed here.


Betty had her mothers eyes, icy blue and hypnotising.
'Mother's eyes' - possessive. And try 'hypnotic'.


“I did it for the Coven. I did it for us, Baz, for us.” she whispered . . . . . . . .
Four periods, not eight. What did she do for the coven? What did she do for the both of them?

Tari
March 19th, 2005, 02:07 AM
Four periods, not eight. What did she do for the coven? What did she do for the both of them?

It's a cliffhanger piece. it's part of a bigger piece of writing, like a nsapshot from a scene not the entire scene. i appreciate the help with the editing but as a piece what did u think of it? it's only being put in a booklet for the Literary Board to help raise money for the Lierature Centre in town. there's 40 odd pieces going in all writen from the same activity. it's to help support our master class.

~ Tari

Tari
March 19th, 2005, 02:17 AM
Untitled

By Rebecca Alosi 13/3/05

A thick fog clawed its way across the abandoned street. There was no moon this night for the clouds dominated the sky. Barry shivered, he’d forgotten the last time he’d felt the sun on his now ghostly pale complexion. He glanced across at his older sister. Betty was walking tall and proud, her hair wisping across her face.

She hadn’t always been this proud. She reminded Barry of their mum, tall and strong with long black hair. “Betty” he whispered under his breath so she couldn’t hear. How long had it been since someone had called her that? They all called her Kal now. Kal was not like the Betty, he’d known. Betty was kind and loving but not Kal. Kal was different. She had a heart of ice and eye‘s to match but still Barry still saw her as his older, loving sister, the girl she had once been. A dog barked nearby, Barry jumped grabbing hold of Betty’s blood stained shirt. Betty recoiled slightly at Barry’s touch.

He wasn’t supposed to have seen but he had but there was nothing she could do about it now. She sensed his fear. Fear of being caught. Fear of her, his own sister, his only family left. She glanced down at his frail, ragged figure. She could see it in his eyes; it was etched all over his face. He reeked of it. She remembered Arken and how she had been able to smell his fear before she had killed him. But the fear etched all over her little brother was not that sort of fear; it was a fear of her and who she had become.

She slinked into a side alley, pulling Barry after her. She crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in hers. Barry’s eyes were skittering everywhere, searching for something else to focus on something other then Betty’s eyes. Betty had her mothers eyes, icy blue and hypnotic. Barry feared those eyes and she knew it. He feared them like everyone else in their coven did. Betty was powerful and now he understood just how powerful, first hand.
“I did it for the Coven. I did it for us, Baz, for us.” she whispered . . . . . . . .


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Original

By Rebecca Alosi 10/3/05

A thick fog clawed its way across the abandoned street. There was no moon this night for the clouds dominated the sky. Barry shivered; he’d forgotten how the sun had once felt on his now ghostly pale skin. He glanced across at his older sister. Betty was walking tall and proud, her black hair wisped across her face as she walked. A dog barked in the distance, Barry jumped grabbing hold of Betty’s blood stained shirt. Betty recoiled slightly at his touch. He wasn’t supposed to see what had happened but he had and there was nothing she could do about it now. She glanced down at his frail, ragged figure, she cold sees it in his eyes, it was etched into his face. Fear. She stepped off into a side alley pulling Barry with her. She crouched down in front of him. Barry franticly searched for somewhere else to look but was caught by betty’s eyes. He feared those eyes like everyone else in their coven did. Betty was powerful and no he’d seen it first hand.
“I did it for the coven. I did it for us, Baz.” she whispered.



P.S. Has anyone got any idea's for a title?

Expendable
March 19th, 2005, 03:33 AM
Well, you had a good start to begin with and I think its better now. ^_^

Only I'm worried - you're mentioning a coven - for a literary magazine - someone might object.

--Ex

kongming
March 19th, 2005, 06:03 AM
my "corrections" are [in these brackets]

as a short grab it's pretty good. It's kinda compelling. Why do you have to hand this in on a saturday morning at... What time is it?....

When finalizing the piece I'd just warn about avoiding cliche and overused archetypes and stereotypes:

"A thick fog" starting of a piece like this is up there with "A dark and stormy night" in a noir detective novel.

Also having barry with a "ghostly pale complexion" is an overused description. If this story is about a coven of witches and he's part of it, if you don't describe him everyone is going to assume that he's pale. If they were darker skinned, like say Haitians that would be a new look at convention and as Haiti has a past riddled with the occult it would be easy to work them in. Also with dark skin it they could have a "sallow" complexion and you would get across the idea of long days without light, sleep and also imply long hours studying by candle light.

But, I kinda liked this so I give it: 13 banana Katamis.
;) good luck


Untitled

A thick fog clawed its way across the abandoned street. There was no moon this night[,] for the clouds dominated the sky. Barry shivered, he’d forgotten the last time he’d felt the sun on his now ghostly pale complexion. He glanced across at his older sister. Betty was walking tall and proud, her hair wisping [not a word, try: wisped or better yet: brushed, or flowed like a feather’s touch] across her face.

She hadn’t always been this proud. She reminded Barry of their mum, tall and strong with long black hair. “Betty” he whispered under his breath so she couldn’t hear. How long had it been since someone had called her that? They all called her Kal now. Kal was not like the Betty, he’d known. Betty was kind and loving but not Kal. Kal was different. She had a heart of ice and eye‘s to match but still Barry [get rid of the second still] still saw her as his older, loving sister, the girl she had once been. A dog barked nearby, Barry jumped grabbing hold of Betty’s blood stained shirt. Betty recoiled slightly at Barry’s touch.

He wasn’t supposed to have seen but he had [try: and instead of but, but is redundant] but there was nothing she could do about it now. She sensed his fear. Fear of being caught. Fear of her, his own sister, his only family left. She glanced down at his frail, ragged figure. She could see it in his eyes; it was etched all over his face. He reeked of it. She remembered Arken and how she had been able to smell his fear before she had killed him. But the fear etched all over her little brother was not that sort of fear; it was a fear of her and who she had become.

She slinked into a side alley, pulling Barry after her. She crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in hers. Barry’s eyes were skittering everywhere, searching for something else to focus on [,] something other then Betty’s eyes. Betty had her mother[‘]s eyes, icy blue and hypnotic. Barry feared those eyes and she knew it. He feared them like everyone else in their coven did. Betty was powerful and now he understood just how powerful, first hand.
“I did it for the Coven. I did it for us, Baz, for us.” she whispered . . . . . . . .

Dawnstorm
March 19th, 2005, 06:22 AM
They all called her Kal now. Kal was not like the Betty, he’d known. Betty was kind and loving but not Kal. Kal was different. She had a heart of ice and [color=blue]eye‘s to match but still Barry still saw her as his older, loving sister, the girl she had once been.

1. No comma after Betty
2. eye's --> eyes
3. Not sure about this: Grammatically, "Betty was kind and loving but not Kal," means that "Betty was kind and loving but Betty was not Kal", whereas you meant to say that Kal was not kind and loving. Try punctuation. "Betty was kind and loving. But not Kal." (I might not have a point here, really...)
4. Get rid of one "still"

Anyway, this section makes my head spin with Betties and Kals. The meaning is quite clear, but I think this section would profit from a bit of tightening.
Example:
They all called her Kal now. Kal was different, not kind and loving, like the Betty he'd known. She had a heart of ice and eyes to match, but still Barry saw...


He wasn’t supposed to have seen but he had but there was nothing she could do about it now.

but --> and


Barry’s eyes were skittering everywhere, searching for something else to focus on something other then Betty’s eyes.

Too much "something" (non-evocative word); how about:

Barry's eyes were skittering everywhere, searching for a focus, anything but Betty's eyes.


Betty had her mothers eyes, icy blue and hypnotic.

mother's

***

2 general comments:

1. You use the word "fear" too much, I think. This is an aspect of the scene you might want to control better. "Fear" is a very abstract word and covers a variety of different emotions. You're quite good at pointing that out in your scene, but the frequent use of the same word for all those feelings does kind of detract from the vividness. There are other words: anxiety, dread, fright... And sometimes you could just describe bodily reactions and leave it at that.

2. Point of View is a bit confusing. There are instances, when I wasn't sure whether it's Betty or Barry or an omniscient narrator. For example, when you're outlining the difference between Kal and Betty I'm unsure whether this is all Barry's point of view or some of it is a narrator explaining. If it's all Barry, I get two different "Barrys": one wants his sister back and the other idealises her according to memories. They needn't be incompatible (Barry could well do both), but I don't really see how they are connected.

These are all minor points, really. You're quite good at weaving an atmosphere. :)

Tari
March 20th, 2005, 01:02 AM
Thank guys,

jusr give me a sec i'm just finishing up putting some suggestions in.

I'm curious Kongming why are you worried people will object? it's a funding piece among 40 others that will be read it's a talent show of the master class for funding thats it? plus i wasn't sure what to call it so i called it a coven? and i was leaning more towards guild? as a possibility and not witches, possibly vampires? or hunters of some sort of creature? but anywayz.


kongming = as a short grab it's pretty good. It's kinda compelling. Why do you have to hand this in on a saturday morning at... What time is it?....

oh yeh i'm pretty sure i said Monday not saturday? oh well my bad if i said Saturday tis due on Monday morning. and i realise i made my last post at 3:30ish on Saturday arvo. :o

Here's a copy of the edited version (part 2) :D


Edited Version (part 2)

By Rebecca Alosi 20/3/05

A thick fog clawed its way across the abandoned street. There was no moon this night, for the clouds dominated the sky. Barry shivered, he’d forgotten the last time he’d felt the sun on his now ghostly pale complexion. He glanced across at his older sister. Betty was walking tall and proud, her hair wisped across her face.

She hadn’t always been this proud. She reminded Barry of their mum, tall and strong with long black hair. “Betty” he whispered under his breath so she couldn’t hear. How long had it been since someone had called her that? They all called her Kal now. Kal was not like the Betty he’d known. Betty was kind and loving. But not Kal. Kal was different. She had a heart of ice and eyes to match but Barry still saw her as his older, loving sister, the girl she had once been. A dog barked nearby, Barry jumped grabbing hold of Betty’s blood stained shirt. Betty recoiled slightly at Barry’s touch.

He wasn’t supposed to have seen what she had done but he had and there was nothing she could do about it now. She sensed his fear, his sorrow and pain. She glanced down at his frail, ragged figure. She could see it in his eyes; fear. It was etched all over his face. He reeked of it. She remembered Arken and how he had smelt as she had put an end to his pathetic existence. But the fear that held her little brother was not that sort of fear; it was a fear of her and who she had become.

She slinked into a side alley, pulling Barry after her. She crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in hers. Barry's eyes were skittering everywhere, searching for a focus, anything but Betty's eyes. Betty had her mother’s eyes, icy blue and hypnotic. Barry feared those eyes and she knew it. He feared them like everyone else in their coven did. Betty was powerful and now he understood just how powerful, first hand.
“I did it for the Coven. I did it for us, Baz, for us.” she whispered . . . . . . . .


Thanks for your help guys. but i still haven't come up with a title? any have any ideas? if you need more info on the possible history or story or whatevaer it's related to give us a shout.

thanks again

~ Tari

Tari
March 20th, 2005, 01:12 AM
Well, you had a good start to begin with and I think its better now. ^_^

Only I'm worried - you're mentioning a coven - for a literary magazine - someone might object.

--Ex

i think i sould explain where this piece is going a bit better. i dunno what it will achieve but hey it might achieve something!! :D

I'm in the Master Class at the Fremantle Literature Centre in WA. there are three classes, our and the two below obviously. the intermidiates and the beginners. our class has forty or so teenagers in it. the courses are for people aged between 13 and 17, so for high school students. we meet once a term and each time we meet new author/s and they spend the day with us talking about writing, doin activites and stuff. anywayz we're trying to raise money for a weekend long writing workshop with several authors. so we decided to appeal to the Literary Board of WA for some funding and to help support our effort we've decided to submit a piece each from our last workshop to show the talent the board would be supporting. so this is my piece from our second workshop with Markus Zusacks. a piece we did which i'm not going to explain because it'll take too long but it's related to the sun or in this case a lack of.

Anywayz thats the story with the piece and i should have sent it last week to go into the booklet thingy but skool bogged me down so i rang and said i'd get it to em by monday morning so i'm going past to drop it off b4 skool 2moro.

~ Tari

kongming
March 20th, 2005, 01:17 AM
I don't understand. I can't recall saying anyone would object to anything. I think that was Expendable. Not to put any words in her mouth but my best guess is that parents get weirded out by things they don't understand, and there's alot they don't understand about their kids. A great deal of the time any mention of the the "Occult" in school is followed by dubious glares and a condescending shake of the head. Much of the time the teachers and the Principle are too cowardly to say: "this is creative" instead they think that parents are going to hang them. So basically what happens is no one explains to the parents that said creative writing is a great piece by a good student and that they are not baby eaters. I think Expendable is just worried that you might get disapointed by the close mindedness of the school and the parents and that you might become part of a backlash. And this is entirely possible especially in a small town, but it is entirely worth it. If they call you a Satanist or a Witch then call them morons b/c that's what they are.


Thank guys,

jusr give me a sec i'm just finishing up putting some suggestions in.

I'm curious Kongming why are you worried people will object? it's a funding piece among 40 others that will be read it's a talent show of the master class for funding thats it? plus i wasn't sure what to call it so i called it a coven? and i was leaning more towards guild? as a possibility and not witches, possibly vampires? or hunters of some sort of creature? but anywayz.