Anxious But Dealing With It And Also Confused By Love
by, March 28th, 2009 at 11:47 AM (1281 Views)
(Zelika Loophole Blog #9)
Why has Hem not arrived yet?! It has been weeks and there is no sign of him! I am worried that he maybe encountered trouble. What if a dogsoldier or something else killed him? And after all our worrying for each other! If he takes three more days I will go and look for him myself!
He told me of his older sister Maerad. What kind of a sister would not go and guide her little brother?! I would do that for Nisrah any day.
But there is good news. Mik is acting a little normaler now that he is living like a normal person, instead of traveling all the time. He still becomes angry and runs away or throws things, or becomes sad and cries and needs somebody to hug him, but not like he did while we were moving.
Also, Sunara and Nisrah do not seem to be very different. They did not know well what they did as Curs, as they said they vaguely remembered calling themselves, and they feel guilty but they cannot remember actual killing people or creatures. But I am happy that Nisrah remembers seeing me. He said it was misty but he knew my face and wanted for a second to go with me. He is as well not sick anymore.
Sunara is learning how to be a Bard now. It it strange to think that there is a Bard in a warrior family but I heard another Bard telling her that it grows strong unexpectedly in famlies and goes extinct unexpectedly in others. I thinked about if me or Nisrah had children when we were older, would they be Bards like Sunara? She would probably have Bard kids, I think, or she might be a freak accident. Although that is not a nice thing to call one's sister. So I take that back. But the point remains.
Now my thoughts turn to love, something somewhat new to me. I love my family of course, and I sort of love Irak'gar as parent since I have no parents now, but I have never thinked of baby-making love until recently. Of course I am too young to do it at this point, but in the future, maybe. I am not as crazy as I was before, though Sunara says I am still a rash fool. However she says it in play, so I do not know whether not she means it.
If he stops being so unpredictable I maybe would want to be with Mik, although I still feel that I betray Hem. But I maybe do not even know what that kind of love is. When I think of them both I feel light and ridiculous and I do not know what to say to Mikerh because I do not want to say something wrong. He is too preoccupied to love me, I know that much.
As for Hem, I am not so sure. He seemed to maybe love me. I thinked that I love him as we journeyed but now that I doubt I know what it is I maybe just love him as a friend. But I maybe love Mik as a friend too.
I am confusing myself to no end and I am moving nowhere! Forget it all. I am going to play tag with Nisrah and Sunara.
~Zelika of the House of Il Aran