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  1. #1
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    pls read my story

    Hello readers and discussers. Please read my story: The Dragon and His Dinner... and tell me what you think.
    Thanks
    d

  2. #2
    Senior Member Giarc's Avatar
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    *grin*
    A fun story Dalia
    Wasn't sure what to expect and you kept it that way for the most part. The last page might use some tidying up to clarify it or maybe I just lost concentration, but in any case, I enjoyed it hugely
    Time to go scoff my serf-and turf....
    *belch*


  3. #3
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    I thought it was great...even email the story to a few of my friends...

  4. #4
    High Priest of Cainism Shehzad's Avatar
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    Nice story, with a light touch. It's been some time since I read something that made me smile. Keep it up.

    Best of luck for the future.

  5. #5
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    I liked the story. It was humorous, but not sticky sweet or excessively gross, nice balance. Maybe just a touch of fine tuning here and there toward the end. But an all around nice read. Hmmm wonder what type of wine goes well with serf. Perhaps ale would be a better choice.......



    [This message has been edited by katy (edited August 26, 2000).]

  6. #6
    Brownie points for starring a dragon in your story, I'm quite partial to dragon stories. A fun little story and I liked the ending!

  7. #7
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    Well done, Dalia,

    What a nice, quirky little story. Though I must admit I am disappointed to learn that such a stately Dragon had so little honour!

    I noticed a couple of little things in the text, mostly typo's and the like and easily fixed up, and just the occaisonal moment of confusion separating spoken dialog and thought. Perhaps you can consider using italics for thought speech? Anyway, like the others who have responded here, I loved the tale. Keep up the good work!

    I have submitted a short story, "Ghost of Elysium" as well as an extract from my first published novel, "Reflections". You should be able to find them here soon. In the meantime, if you're interested, you can check out some of my stuff here: www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/

    Regards,

    Neil

  8. #8
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    I read your story Dalia, and I especially liked the droll quality of the tone. The last part where "things get back to normal" It's a good indication of how things are different because of the experience the story tells.

    I wondered if you could enhance the present-tense way the story starts out by making it even more evident how come the story is getting told - because it almost has a "fable" smell to it rather than a fairy tale. I always liked sly people who would tell a story and give it a completely different "moral" at the end that made it a sort of "twist". I'm thinking of an old program that used to run on cartoons with Rocky and Bullwinkle called "fractured fairy tales". Your story had that kind of narration to it, with the comments of the characters featured in a kind of vinette.
    Anyway, I liked it. Charming ending, well if you're a pessimist. I'll bet the dragon has digestion problems from the cows too. I'll illustrate it for you.
    Anyway, if you want to read my short story, it's under E, " in circles." It's kind of a strange one, but I imagined what it would be like to have one opportunity with technology to change your outlook on life, nothing more. Then you had to go back to your old life. So instead of being too imaginative, I figured a commonplace situation would be a plane ride for someone who had never flown.

    Tell me what you think, everyone...

    Franis


  9. #9
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    As one day I would like to post a story, and actually receive an honest response to the story, I'm going to give you an honest response to your story Dalia. I'm not sure whether or not the people ahead of me are being polite, or if they truly feel the story was well written., but your story needs a lot of work.

    There are numerous errors, the most immediate of which is the reference to Dragon, is it "Dragon" or is it "the dragon". It shouldn't be "the Dragon". Decide, and refer to it consistently. Also, decide on a tense, stick with it.

    As far as the story goes, there are some things that can be attributed to your own style (like meandering away from the main story), but there are other things which hinder the flow of the story. First, you use the word dragon too much. Of the 766 words on the first page, 21 of them were a word containing dragon. Also... your meandering style.. really... not good... lose track... So anyway, writing in this style. Painful it is you see.

    Write in a coherent manner. Meandering away from the storyline is cute. Excessive meadering, makes for bad reading. There are other mistakes, but I think if you correct the ones mentioned already now, the story is at least readable and then it will be possible to write a fair review of the story.

    [This message has been edited by bing (edited May 29, 2001).]

  10. #10
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    Ouch, Bing! Harsh words for such a pleasant little story. Most people who post here are probably well aware that their work needs some polish, however, I usually try to commend writers for their creativity rather than criticise them too much for obvious mistakes.

    While I understand the need for harsh critique, we also have to make allowances for the fact that many young folk try out their ideas here, and this is supposed to be a friendly forum after all; it's not just a question of being polite, although this too is important.

    My story, Ghost of Elysium, was a runner up in a publisher's writing contest, but even that didn't stop it from being "savaged" a little. But, as a published author I have to expect this, I suppose! Again, here at this forum, I believe we should be offering encouragement for creativity and leave it to those closest the authors to offer the necessary harsh criticism! But these are just my opinions, of course!

    Cheers,

    Neil www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/



    [This message has been edited by erebus (edited May 29, 2001).]

  11. #11
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    The story really wasn't that bad, I liked it.
    Well everything except for the ending which I thought seemed a bit rushed and unimaginative.

    [This message has been edited by Dag Rambraut (edited May 29, 2001).]

  12. #12
    I'm the law... Administrator daigoro's Avatar
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    Well, as some of you will notice I've deleted a post in this topic as well as removed other quotes from it.

    ...so if everyone could try do be nice to each other it would be appreciated, we're trying to be friends here aren't we?

  13. #13
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    Thanks, Dag,

    I enjoy a good, heated discussion like everyone else, but there's no need for the blatant vulgarity shown by some in this topic, which you have now kindly removed.

  14. #14
    Guardian of sffworld
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    I hesitate to give an actual critique of this story as it was originally posted almost a year ago and Id question whether the author is still around. In fact, I did a search and I only found this 1 post by this person.

    I did however want to comment on Bings critique. I agree, for the most part, about the story and the need for giving an honest critique. True the critique could have been worded a little less harsh. But Bing may not have meant for it to sound has harsh as it does.

    Bing, Ive been known to piss some people off with my critiques. I do not understand why authors would post here asking for feedback then expect to only get raves, but some do.

    My friends and family do not have the ability to properly critique my work. The response I get from them is its good or I liked it. But I NEED more than that. I need to know if the characters are real, if they come alive for the reader. I need to know if the plot was strong enough. I need to know if the story was entertaining enough to keep you reading til the end. I need to know if the foreshadowing was too subtle or too obvious. I need to know things that only other authors / editors can advice me on. That is what I try to give people. And I would hope that if I ever submitted anything here that people would give me the same curtsy.

    But then, thats just my opinion. I have a feeling Erebus and I disagree on many, many things, not just this topic.

  15. #15
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    Kats, my comments were largely relating to those made by Gabe, comments which Dag has had the good sense to remove. Also, I was not aware that we disagreed a lot. But if we do, I guess that's healthy, right?

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