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  1. #1
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    Let's See Who Can Write the WORST Possible Stuff!

    Try reading this out loud:


    A long rod that was hot, metallic, and a greenish blue color yet seemed yellowish green when held beneath the light flightly and rapidly flung across a room that had been littered with cushy furniture, walls, and about five or six photos whose eyes seemed to follow the rod as it dizzily spun and strangely twirled through the air like a sleek, metallic, airborne phallus. Jesus Santiago hurriedly ran away from the rod, but not before saying, "Holy cow!" He quickly and energetically leaped toward a door that was about seven to seven-and-a-half feet tall and grabbed a doorknob that was lifeless and cold, unlike the rod.

    A woman with a mane lush and redder than the fire in the eyes of Zeus also ran, her large breasts bouncing in tandem with each footstep like two basketballs in a sac fighting to break free.

    Jesus Santiago froze like a bronze statue. The shiny, metallic rod glistened sunlight lavishly and heroically whilst finely and quickly slicing through the air like a knife through warm butter. . . .


    Last edited by kamalayka; September 21st, 2013 at 10:19 PM.

  2. #2
    Palinodic Moderator KatG's Avatar
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    Not even close to being bad writing. Beautifully written comedy. I'm disappointed. The use of the non-existent word "flightly" even got points for making up an interesting word. Note to other attempts: simply throwing in adverbs does not create bad writing. Adverbs are part of language and convey emotions which effect how the scene is interpreted. Saying something is phallus shaped or other sexual imagery does not make a narrative bad writing. Nobody cares if your sentences are long or short in fiction. Your sentence structure got a little wiggly at the end, but you could have done much worse. I have seen way, way worse.

    Other suggestions:

    Don't write about color. When you write about color, you tend to make it interesting, as in a blue-green rod that turns yellow-green in light, or a mane redder than the light in the eyes of Zeus. The less sensory info you have, the better.

    Which means also don't use metaphor. You think you're writing a bad metaphor, but metaphors are very good at getting reactions of one kind or another. If you want your writing to be flat, lifeless and dull, metaphor and simile should go as much as possible.

    If you write very specific details, readers tend to assume you put them in because they were important in some way, from comic effect to vital clue. Less detail tends to make narratives more flat.

    Rush the action. The more you play out the action, the more depth and scope a scene acquires and the more significance the readers attach to it. If you rush the action, readers feel the scene doesn't coagulate, is too abrupt and they don't get into it as much. Even minimalists tend to try to avoid rushing action. So if you did: "The rod sailed through the air. Jesus Santiago rushed for the door. He stopped when the redhead ran towards him. Then he jumped through the door." it's not that interesting and the scene is then over. You can make a short scene interesting but that means punctuating the action with pounding language. Flat, vague, simple language, however, doesn't take the readers very far.

    Do not have interesting dialogue that is appropriate (or completely inappropriate,) for the scene, like "Holy cow!" To be really bad, your dialogue should offer no enhancement or info in the scene in any way.

    I should not be laughing and cheering the characters on, and I was. You have failed, failed miserably. You crossed over into broad farce. You need to dial it way back.

  3. #3
    aka. Stephen B5 Jones MrBF1V3's Avatar
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    I wrote this a while back, trying to be funny. Let's see if it's bad enough...


    'I'm not a fan,' Tessie thought, 'of Zion's friction.' She whirled from the immaculately sparkling counter of the kitchen and stomped into the living room.

    But Jon was, lazily lounging back on his azure recliner with his nose on the ultra high definition 3D screen and his thumb hovering over the remote control buttons as he snorted devilishly at the lastest rounds of West Bank woes.

    She had had enough.

    "I have had enough!" she blurted out as she viciously stabbed the tiny black button killing the transmitted picture which once lived in in the now blank blue screen. She knew her rash actions would engender trouble in between them, but as she steeled her eyes to meet his once dreamy blue bi-radial orbs, frankly, she did not care.

    It was a dark and stormy fight. Jon yelled at Tessie with the force of a speeding locomotive which was bound to leap tall buildings faster than a speeding bullet.

    "It's a burden!"

    "That's my plan!"

    "How can you think that's super, man?" Tessie screamed up at his face as she slammed her fist down on the table. She was standing up for herself and putting her foot down. "I much prefer Cricket!!!!!"

    And she did prefer Cricket, just like her friend Katy did.

    When his unchecked tirade gasped it's last breath, her dear Jon stomped out through the door and across the trackless verdant sward, of which Tessie was vehemently proud of, it was a vibrant swatch of engendered life amidst a world of dull, colorless pavement and dry dissonant dust. He trodded toward the dark cold street pausing to go around the stalwart proud oak in the yard's epicenter, the cornerstone of her landscaping skill, a comfortless leaf-covered mute witness to the conflict of their lives.

    Jon loaded himself into the car, gunned the engine and shot down the street. He was gone in sixty-eight seconds.


    B5

  4. #4
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrBF1V3 View Post
    I wrote this a while back, trying to be funny. Let's see if it's bad enough...
    Nope. You failed at being bad, too. It got a couple of chuckles out of me.

    If you want bad...

    No, sorry. I can't do it. Putting up my bad stuff here will just make me depressed right now. I've gotten another rejection recently and I have to let the wound heal again before I can swing my stuff around.

  5. #5
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    @ MrBF1V3:

    I thought it was funny.


    @KatG:

    Lately, my real writing has been minimalist. I thought it would be silly to do the opposite of what I normally would.

  6. #6
    Mod Lady Moderator Eldanuumea's Avatar
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    hopelezz

    I am so blank at plot construction that I can't even write it badly, much less well. I think one would have to be a pretty dang good writer to succeed at this challenge.

  7. #7
    Noumenon - answers to Nou Andrew Leon Hudson's Avatar
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    This guy could do the honours: How to Write Badly Well (I linked to the oldest archive - his new stuff is mostly podcasts, I think).

  8. #8
    Greymane Wilson Geiger's Avatar
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    I think my Sinaptor story might count.

  9. #9
    Speaks fluent Bawehrf zachariah's Avatar
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    I take it you've read The Eye Of Argon?

  10. #10
    Master Obfuscator Dawnstorm's Avatar
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    The chicken wanted to cross the road. It stepped on the road. A car ran over it. The chicken was dead. It never got to the other side. It was a nice chicken. Everyone was sad. Everyone wanted to know why the chicken wanted to cross the road. But it was too late: the chicken could not tell them anymore.

    The End

    (I always thought there was tragedy hidden in the joke.)

  11. #11
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dawnstorm View Post
    (I always thought there was tragedy hidden in the joke.)
    It is tragic! The poor chicken...

    That was pretty bad. Very bland prose, no feeling to it. Starts and ends abruptly with no scene setting, no backstory, no message imparted. I'd say that was bad. Good job.

  12. #12
    Is Winter Coming? R.J.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zachariah View Post
    i take it you've read the eye of argon?
    my eyes!!!

  13. #13
    We parley for nobody norm's Avatar
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    Trying to write badly can be a good exercise. I find that when I aim to write something terrible, it usually ends up being great. A couple of flash fiction pieces I wrote, The Unwritten Story and An Evening With Victoria, were both spawned from the fact that I didn't like the current flash contest theme, and so I wanted to do something awful with it. Not only were they probably the best flash pieces I've written, but they were the fastest; one took two days and the other only took four hours.

  14. #14
    Was: "Virangelus" A. Lynn's Avatar
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    I don't think I have time to write badly on purpose, but it is interesting note that one time I submitted to TMSO's last anthology contest ("The End", if I remember correctly) and one of the critiques came back as: "I don't think this writer's first language is English." LMAO!!!!

    It's because I wrote like a bat out of hell trying to meet both writing and college homework deadlines :P

  15. #15
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by virangelus View Post
    ...one of the critiques came back as: "I don't think this writer's first language is English." LMAO!!!!
    Oh, dear, I remember that. It was funny. Don't feel too bad about that as it made me feel better. I've been told that as well. Misery loves company.

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